For Your Valentine- DIY Sex Art

[Warning specifically for my dad: graphic content. please stop reading. here’s an interesting TedTalk for you instead.]

STOP LOOKING FOR A VALENTINE’S DAY GIFT FOR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER RIGHT NOW. I just found the PERFECT thing. It’s done. You win at V-Day.

Ok, here goes: basically you are going to make a sex painting while getting it on. The “Love is Art” kit comes with a cotton canvas, not-toxic paint (thank god, because I guarantee you’re gonna get some up in your naughty bits), plus body wash (you know, in case you don’t have that).

You lay out the canvas, throw some paint down and then go at it until you’ve created a sexual masterpiece of abstract art. If you wanna get really artsy, you can get colored canvases and special metallic paints. Up to you. How much do you love your boyfriend?

Here are the reasons I love this:

1. I don’t have to buy fancy lingerie that costs a million dollars, and then awkwardly change into it after dinner and be like “let me slip into something more comfortable” and then go to the bathroom and strap on a bunch of straps. And then sprint from the bathroom to the bed because god help me if I ever let someone see me standing around in a circulation-strangling bustier and crotchless panties. Also, eff you guys because dudes are always just like, “oh, cool underwears I guess. Take them off.” so it’s not even worth it. SO. If we’re going to get all painty anyway, I get to just wear my 5-year-old Target brand cotton thongs. Score!

2. If we’re gonna make some art, he’s gotta last longer than like 6 seconds. No one wants to hang a canvas that is literally just a butt outline. Where’s the movement?!

3. Art’s expensive. I don’t know if you know this, but sometimes it costs like hundreds of dollars. Or like, thousands, I suppose. But that is so ridiculous I refuse to even think about it. The “art” on the walls of my apartment is just a bunch of pictures of me and my roommate hung in dollar store frames. Making your own sex art is the perfect way to spice up your decor without haggling with the guy at the fancy farmer’s market over his abstract pieces. (This might be a thing that only happens at LA farmer’s markets.)

4. I just like imagining the look on someone’s face when they lean in for a better view of the painting, and then right at that moment you whisper, “Steve really knows how to evoke emotion with his strokes.” And then wink and walk away.

My office just had a 15 minute discussion about the best techniques for actually doing this. Put the paint on yourself first? Put it directly on the canvas then roll around? Personally I like the idea of stamping parts of your body onto the canvas, but I’ll admit it’s probably not conducive to raucous sex-having. I imagine me yelling “let’s see what an outline of my knee looks like!!!!” might not put a man in the most sensual mood. Evs.

Get this. Do this. Let me know how it turns out.

Hint: Is it just me, or is a prefab kit totally unnecessary? Just go buy a sheet and some paint and you’ve got your own! Woo!

For Your Friend (or Boyfriend. UGH Stop With The Valentines Day Already)- Autographer Wearable Camera

Oh hey.

Yeah yeah yeah it was Christmas and I didn’t post ANYTHING. But come on, you guys! I was busy single-handedly saving the world from winter weight gain by eating all of the Christmas cookies in a 50 mile radius. (You’re welcome, BTW.)

Now it’s somehow the MIDDLE of January (?!?!?!) and I know you’ve been wondering about my whereabouts AS PER YOOJ because all you care about is my life and whats going on with me and when I’m gonna post again.

Anyway. How about a gift idea, friend? Sure the holidays are over, but poor unlucky souls with January birthdays still need some love. Also it’s almost MLK day, so that’s a thing. And if you’re the WORST and already planning a V-Day present for  your boyfriend, I guess I can come up with some not-stupid stuff for you. Let’s get started, shall we?

The Autographer Wearable Camera is THE SHIT. It’s $400 but you’ve got Christmas money, right? This thing’s got enough memory to shoot for 12 hours non-stop and take a bunch of pictures. The lady they’ve got modeling it is a little terrifying, but besides that it seems great all around. It’s like a sleeker Go Pro. What dude would not like this? Like seriously. If your boyfriend doesn’t love this then I know NOTHING about men. *

Alternatively, there’s this cool scale that links to your smartphone and measures everything from body weight (duh) to body fat, resting heart rate, and indoor air quality (?). Is it mean to get someone a scale? I’d like it. #coachelladiet

So, uh. There. Sorry they’re expensive. Now that I’m super flush with Christmas cash I just feel like we can all afford to ball a little.

Will post again soon! (Maybe.)

ps. Guess what! I just learned what SEO is. (Hint: It’s NOT a South Korean electronics store like I thought.) Now this shit is search optimized! Prepare to see TFOP in Google every time you look up “super hot blogger chick” or whatever. I don’t really know how the Internet works.

pps. We’re moving to Tumblr soon so I just want to prepare you all. Because if I’ve learned anything from my Newsfeed after Facebook changes the placement of one tiny feature, you guys really HATE change. We’ll be here by March. For now, it’s just a bunch of (mostly 30 Rock related) stuff I reblogged from my sister while learning how Tumblr works. Don’t judge me. It’ll look nice soon. Or like, eventually. GIVE ME A BREAK GEEZ. Feel free to keep watching me experiment and fail until the grand unveiling.

xx

*I am single.

For Your BFF- Random Childhood Memorabilia

First of all, and most importantly- WHY DIDN’T MY PARENTS EVER BUY ME SPICE GIRLS BARBIE DOLLS?! All that time I could have been staging professional, full fledged Wannabe concerts in my room with ACTUAL Spice Girls Dolls, instead of drawing fake head sets onto my Power Ranger action figures and making making my little sister be Scary Spice when I couldn’t find the Black Ranger. (Wait. Is that racist?) She was terrible at it. And she always wanted to be Posh. If anyone was going to be Posh, it was OBVIOUSLY going to be the (gay) Blue Ranger. Or his stand-in, Polly Pocket.

Concert casting aside, I have a sneaking suspicion that I missed out on some of the best adolescent pop culture paraphernalia of my time because my dumb parents wanted me to grow up to be a well adjusted adult hated me. Plus, I didn’t really understand what money was and how it can be used to buy things until like, last year. That could be why I wracked up so much credit card debt in so little time.

Thankfully, there is still some room on my card, and PLENTY of random, inexplicable, ridiculous, and wonderful NSYNC/Spice Girls/Boy Meets World/Clarissa Explains It All/Power Rangers/Ninja Turtles/90210/etc stuff on Ebay to give to my friends. Just search and enjoy. Here are some I’ve found. Get ’em before they’re gone!

This poster of Devon Sawa in Teen Beat because OF COURSE.

Power rangers lunch box (and thermos!!!!). Super functional for your work lunches.

Way Cool (Alright alright)!

Not exactly vintage, but still a throw back. Blue Barracudas FOR EVER.

Duh.

And a bonus because V-Day is coming up and Lance will always be the love of my life (sorry I’m not sorry):

For Your Valentine- Indoor/Outdoor Fireplace

Sexy.

I will not say much about this except that I definitely did NOT order it for my manfriend, so if he reads this: he should NOT expect an awesome indoor/outdoor fireplace gift, and this post is NOT spoiling the surprise. We will not be having a romantic glass of wine on the porch wrapped in a snuggie near his new fireplace on Valentine’s day. We will not then move inside (with the fireplace) because it’s cold and we want to be watching Downton Abbey and sitting on the couch instead. And we will NOT make out in front of this new fireplace as if we are in some sort of Cary Grant winter classic.

Finally, it is NOT being delivered to the apartment in the next 2 weeks, so he should not assume that large boxes that show up are a fancy fireplace present for him. Thanks.