[Warning specifically for my dad: graphic content. please stop reading. here’s an interesting TedTalk for you instead.]
STOP LOOKING FOR A VALENTINE’S DAY GIFT FOR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER RIGHT NOW. I just found the PERFECT thing. It’s done. You win at V-Day.
Ok, here goes: basically you are going to make a sex painting while getting it on. The “Love is Art” kit comes with a cotton canvas, not-toxic paint (thank god, because I guarantee you’re gonna get some up in your naughty bits), plus body wash (you know, in case you don’t have that).
You lay out the canvas, throw some paint down and then go at it until you’ve created a sexual masterpiece of abstract art. If you wanna get really artsy, you can get colored canvases and special metallic paints. Up to you. How much do you love your boyfriend?
Here are the reasons I love this:
1. I don’t have to buy fancy lingerie that costs a million dollars, and then awkwardly change into it after dinner and be like “let me slip into something more comfortable” and then go to the bathroom and strap on a bunch of straps. And then sprint from the bathroom to the bed because god help me if I ever let someone see me standing around in a circulation-strangling bustier and crotchless panties. Also, eff you guys because dudes are always just like, “oh, cool underwears I guess. Take them off.” so it’s not even worth it. SO. If we’re going to get all painty anyway, I get to just wear my 5-year-old Target brand cotton thongs. Score!
2. If we’re gonna make some art, he’s gotta last longer than like 6 seconds. No one wants to hang a canvas that is literally just a butt outline. Where’s the movement?!
3. Art’s expensive. I don’t know if you know this, but sometimes it costs like hundreds of dollars. Or like, thousands, I suppose. But that is so ridiculous I refuse to even think about it. The “art” on the walls of my apartment is just a bunch of pictures of me and my roommate hung in dollar store frames. Making your own sex art is the perfect way to spice up your decor without haggling with the guy at the fancy farmer’s market over his abstract pieces. (This might be a thing that only happens at LA farmer’s markets.)
4. I just like imagining the look on someone’s face when they lean in for a better view of the painting, and then right at that moment you whisper, “Steve really knows how to evoke emotion with his strokes.” And then wink and walk away.
My office just had a 15 minute discussion about the best techniques for actually doing this. Put the paint on yourself first? Put it directly on the canvas then roll around? Personally I like the idea of stamping parts of your body onto the canvas, but I’ll admit it’s probably not conducive to raucous sex-having. I imagine me yelling “let’s see what an outline of my knee looks like!!!!” might not put a man in the most sensual mood. Evs.
Get this. Do this. Let me know how it turns out.
Hint: Is it just me, or is a prefab kit totally unnecessary? Just go buy a sheet and some paint and you’ve got your own! Woo!
Things For Other People 