For Your Friends- Herb Seed Bombs

I’ve wanted to post about these for a while, but was hesitant because

1. As a Persian person, I feel like writing “bomb” in a blog post and suggesting it be mailed to others is probably not the BEST move.

2. As a notorious killer of herb gardens, I feel that perhaps I lack the authority to write about growing living things.

3. I forgot.

BUT! I am busy at work and looking for an excuse to save all my stress for a few hours from now when it’s midnight and I’m writing terribly and the wine is gone and everyone is asleep and I have 4 articles to turn in ASAP. Also, I’m trying to expand my audience to the NSA-set. Hello, government overlords! (I promise these herb bombs are just harmless, hipster-nonsense gifts.) So here you go.

Send these HAND FORMED BALLS to your friends to shame them into being greener. Hopefully their garden will last longer than mine.

PS- If Big Brother comes and takes me away, I authorize my sister to post my manifesto. Spoiler: it’s mostly about goat cheese and Will&Grace.

For Your Friend- A Round of Drinks FROM THE INTERNET

A quick something special for my friends in Los Angeles and Seattle- I’m assuming you all have smart phones because this is NOW, and even babies have smart phones, and how do you avoid making eye contact with people in line for coffee if you aren’t Instragramming your shoes?

Anyway, I had the pleasure of going to the launch party for a new gifting app (#thisisthefuture) last week, and decided to share it with you because it’s cool, and also because they gave me free sliders and wine so I’m STILL in a good mood.

Gratafy is an app that lets you send restaurant food/alcohol gifts to your friends VIA THE INTERWEB. Here’s how it works:

Say it’s your friend’s birthday and they are celebrating with a big dinner at a restaurant in Santa Monica. However, you live in West Hollywood and refuse to try to go west of the 405 after work because NO WAY THAT’S FAR. So you send a text to your friend like “sorry, bro. would love to make it but ugh work and things and my boss is mean and meetings!” and your friend knows you are lying because then you tweet about watching Chopped on your couch, but they let you off the hook anyway because they are a better friend than you.

Then you start feeling guilty because you remember that last year for your birthday, your friend brought you champagne and agreed to karaoke with you even though you are a bossy, mic hogging terror at karaoke. But now it’s 9:15 and your shoes and pants are off so it’s not like you’re going to get in your car and try to make it to dinner by dessert-time. What do you do!?

Answer: stop making vine videos of your roommate watching TV, and open up your handy dandy Gratafy app. Then choose the restaurant and select your friend from your phone/facebook contacts and send them a little slice (or glass) of happy. Buy your friend a round of drinks at the bar they are at, or if you are sending this to me, make it an appetizer AND a round of drinks. Then your friend just has to show their phone to the server and collect on their gift. (Did that explanation make sense? Probably not, but just read the website. It’ll help.)

Helpful tip: you can also send gifts to yourself and sit at the bar pretending you are really popular and everyone loves buying you drinks.

For Your Mom- Tabletop Salad Sprayers

I have some very very very sad news to report. Brace yourselves…

… All of the plants in my herb garden died.

Our relationship was short and tumultuous. But much like every relationship I’ve ever been in, I loved them just a little more than they loved me. And despite my dedicated (er.. um… semi-dedicated?) watering and plant fooding, they left me. On the bright side, I got one home-grown jalapeno outta the deal. And a bunch of basil that I gave away to my mom before I knew my herb-boyfriends were facing their eminent demise. Our parting ceremony consisted of me cursing while I threw them in the dumpster. If only real break ups went that way.

Anyway, now I’m thinking I’ll just plant some fake flowery plants to hang instead. That way I don’t have to think about them, but if I catch a glimpse- hey, at least they look nice. Also fake plants don’t need real sunlight, which is hard to come by in my apartment.

I suppose this means my Ina Garten dreams are dashed. I’ll never be the Barefoot Contessa and make bruschetta for my gay friends and sometimes Jeffrey when he comes home to the Hamptons from his important Washington job. But then I also won’t have to throw a million goddamn dinner parties where people expect me to share the wine.

It’s fine, though, because I found these cool (and cheap!) tabletop salad sprayers that let you infuse oils in a handy contraption that will also spray them on your salads (or if you’re me, your bread/pizza/french fries). Plus, even if I wanted to make rosemary or basil oil, it wouldn’t fit enough in there to warrant a whole patio-garden. I’ll just keep buying my herbs in small bunches from Trader Joes like normal humans. (Except they only sell basil in a package big enough to feed a small country and then I throw like 4 pounds of basil away because no one can eat that much basil.)

Give these pretty sprayers to your mom or something. Good for a hostess or housewarming gift too.

Feel free to send me condolence flowers for my garden or condolence chocolates for my stomach.

For Your BFF- Just Because Sweet Treats (from Chocolate Twist)

Hey. How come no one EVER sends me flowers? Relationship or no relationship, I’m not sure I’ve EVER gotten flowers delivered to me at my home or workplace (which is way better than getting them in person. duh.) Is that just wrong? Like, what is the normal flower amount girls are supposed to receive in their lifetimes? Probably somewhere between 20 and 50 bouquets, right? Because of birthdays and anniversaries and whatnot? Or maybe even MORE if I become some sort of dancer or singer or profession where I’m bowing on stage a lot. My roommate gets flowers every other week from her parents or her girlfriend or her girlfriend’s parents. WHAT THE HECK, LOVED ONES? WHERE ARE MY FLOWERS.

Ok, but be strategic about it. If everyone sends me flowers next week and I end up watching Pretty Little Liars through a sea of roses I will be living a recurring dream (as long as Mr. Fitz is also there) know that you are just sending them because I demanded it and it will cheapen the experience.. but not totally ruin it so please feel free to send them anytime I need some flowers in my life and edible arrangements are also accepted as long as some of the fruit is chocolate covered because whowantsregularfruit?!?!

ANYWAYZ, speaking of mail gifts (as opposed to male gifs, which is also something I like sent to me), my friend got these sweet Chocolate Twist chocolates in the mail from her boss. (HER BOSS. COME ONNNNN.) She suggested I put them on the blog, and I obviously agreed in exchange for being able to eat one of the chocolates. Because I am a cheap ho for chocolate, and I accept blog bribes. I AM OPEN FOR BUSINESS. If you send me snacks, I will blog about them and I will say all the good things. And if you send flowers, then I will also marry you.

So please consider sending these chocolates to the people you love. There are cool flavored marshmallows and caramels and other delicious things. (I want the Parmesan truffles! cheese chocolate!) And they ship all over the US. Don’t leave your sad, flower-less friends out in the cold. I think sending treats and flowers is best done out-of-the-blue because they really are the loveliest of lovely things to receive when you least expect it. Which is why I will continue to not expect anything over the next week or so. 😉 😉 😉 all the winks.

For ME- An Encouragement Edible Arrangement, Please

Today is my one-month single-versary, and in honor of me, I am celebrating with one last post about my sad sad life before I stop boring you with my complaints. After this, it’s all roses and sunshine and summer alcoholic beverages! I’ll still be writing melancholy contemplative emails to myself, but it’s time to move forward. At least blog-wise. Because hoping this is just a bad dream that I’ll wake up from and walk into the kitchen and there’s an omelet and hash browns is NOT gonna happen, I guess. And waiting for it is keeping me stuck in this omelet-less rut. So here we go. Good bye, old life. Hello, a lot more alcohol every day! But first, just for fun, shall we recap some things I did in this month of heartbreak? I…

• Read approx 7 million books
• Learned how to properly clean a shower
• Tortured some herb plants and maybe grew the beginnings of one tiny jalapeno
• Cried a lot
• Watched ALL the episodes of Chopped
• Developed a cheese allergy (WHYYYYYYYYYYYY)
• Kicked my Starbucks breakfast sando habit (damn cheese!)
• Cried more
• Exercised three times!!!!!11
• Almost died in a freak Baskin Robins accident
• Wrote a multitude of pathetic emails
• Ate mystery sliders in a bedroom at a party instead of talking to people
• Taught myself to save pathetic emails into the drafts folder instead of sending them
• Read the entire internet every day
• Stared solemnly out of car windows
• Went to all the happy hours
• Bought some awesome, remote controlled flameless candles that I can turn on with the push of a button in a badass, sexy way if I ever have a gentleman caller in my home
• Watched a recap of Pretty Little Liars so I finally kind of understand the plot
• Finished three bottles of bourbon
• Laser-ed all of my body hair off
• Drove to old relationship landmarks to make myself feel bad
• Took a cooking class
• Discovered buying prepared foods at Trader Joes is easier
• Watched Steel Magnolias 15 times
• Cleaned out my closets
• Made out with my ex and got confused about what life is
• Decided to control my own emotions and just try to feel better

So, you know, mixed bag. One month later and I’m slightly healthier and my house is clean, but I still can’t unsubscribe from my fake Knot.com account so I’m being tortured by emails about happy couples and wedding cake everyday. You win some, you lose some. On to the next phase- making out with anyone who has a British accent, real or otherwise. Commence happiness! I hope? I dunno. Here goes nothin’. I don’t know what I’m doing here.  If you feel like sending me an encouragement edible arrangement, I’ll take it. Everyone loves Edible Arrangements, even if they pretend they are dumb. It’s free food! And I love free food. Make sure there’s some chocolate covered pineapples in there. Maybe some fish ‘n chips.

“If you’re planning on sending me an edible arrangement, I prefer a meat one.” — Liz Lemon (30 Rock)

For Your Dad- 23AndMe

Father’s day is coming up! When I asked my dad what he wanted (besides the Macklemore CD. Seriously, he wants that), he literally said, “I would like you guys to leave me alone.”

Soooooo, thanks dad! Love you too! And sorry- Because what you are actually getting is me sitting on the couch at home all weekend because I ran out of wine at my house. And probably my sister coming home too and both of us fighting over who gets control over the TV, AND SO HELP ME GOD I WILL NOT AGREE TO WATCH MORE THAN TWO EPISODES OF CSI. I don’t care what anyone says, it is the poor man’s Criminal Minds and I won’t have that. Then we will all go out to dinner to a place you don’t want, and you will get to pay! But we love you! Really!

Anyway, maybe a better present for YOUR dad is the 23AndMe health and genetics DNA mapping service. It can tell your old man what health concerns to look out for as he ages based on his unique DNA markers, and let him know if he’s descended from the House of Lannister or something. But beware, my friend did this and found out that her dad is distantly related to her mom so….. gross. But also like the House of Lannister.

When I try to buy my parents luxurious things, they NEVER use them. Usually they forget I was the one who got it for them and try to give the gift back to me six months later when they are cleaning out the closets. Because of that, I have to get creative. I like this idea because it’s science-y, which dads like. AND it’s helpful. You could save your dad’s life so that he’ll be around to listen to Macklemore and take you to dinner for years and years to come.

For The Bride and Groom- Gourmet Spices

 

Ok, I’m just about over being unemployed. Sure I get to wake up whenever I want, write Chopped fanfiction about Ted Allen for entire afternoons,  and take creepy stalker pictures of Will and Grace’s Beverley Leslie at Starbucks all morning (!!!!!!!!!!), but this not-having-money-for-whatever-cheese-I-want-at-Whole-Foods thing is starting to wear on me. Thank God my mom invited me down to my parents’ house this week. They have a whole fridge full of cheese! Hashtag family resemblance.

While I was there, I came across this great gourmet spice shop, and obviously ended up spending a ton of money that I don’t actually have. Thanks, credit card! I will now be enjoying my Ramen noodles topped with some delicious Alderwood Smoked Course Sea Salt!

Even if you like your Ramen plain, these spices would make a great gift. Wedding season is fast approaching, as you can probably tell from the pile of Save the Dates you’ve shoved under your coffee maker/in between your couch cushions/in the junk drawer (if you’re me). And these gorgeous, unique, and surprisingly cheap spice sets would be a PERFECT gift!

For young couples, go with the household starter kits like The Organic Collection or Keys to the Kitchen. For more established couples, I like the wilder salt or ethnic sets.

They ship all over the country, but if you live in So Cal, you’re better off calling the store in Corona del Mar and getting them to ship to you direct for cheaper.

(Ps- Beverley Leslie just left. Sadly, I did not get to ask him where Benji his “business associate” is today.)

For Your Foodie Friend- Smorgasboard Board Game

Snacks not included.

I don’t know if you know this, but I am a foodie. I am like… super interested in the nuances of cuisine or whatever. My pallet is the most refined. Safran! Coq a vin! Other food words! See?

It absolutely does not matter that I put ketchup on everything, cook mostly microwavable meals, and order fish and chips from every restaurant, everywhere, every time. I watch Top Chef and own a food processor. Therefore, I am a foodie.

Occasionally I meet other foodies and we delight in discussing the merits of ragus and curries and cheeses. This is how the conversation usually goes:

Me: “CHEESE IS THE BEST.”

Other foodie: “Yes, this is from the Normandy region of France and is a strong, robust cheese. It pairs best with hearty dishes like—“

Me: “OMNOMNOM cheese. Oops it’s all gone.”

Very few food snobs are willing to put up with this, but I am lucky enough to have a found a few true food lovers who don’t mind my particular brand of foodie-ism. One of them is my best friend, Melissa. She cooks actual food at her home, is half french and therefore naturally good at food things, AND is going to Paris next month to take a two week cooking course at Le Cordon Bleu. This board game is what I’m getting her for her birthday.

It ships from Ireland so plan ahead. AND it looks hard. Even for an experienced foodie like me, this board game has some stumpers. Not ONE question is about hot cheetos or the McRib. Despite these minor deficiencies, it’s a great gift for anyone who loves food and wants to put their knowledge to the test.

For Your Boyfriend (If you’re super rich, you bitch)- A Food Vacation!

Is this heaven?

Groupon got me again! Out of the 12 emails they send me everyday, the only one I ever really look at is the Groupon Getaways page so that I can pretend I am a person with the time and money to actually leave Los Angeles for more than one night at my parents’ house. Today I noticed what must be the BEST FUCKING VACATION EVER- a Pasta Making Food Tour of Abruzzo, Italy that includes cheese making, wine tasting, pasta rolling, truffle hunting, AND salami factory touring. It’s like these people are INSIDE of all of my sexual dreams (yes, they all take place on the floor of a salami factory).

Obviously I clicked on the link. Turns out Groupon is offering a 40% discount, making the price somewhere around $2,000. Only $1800 over my yearly vacation budget! Anyway, some lustful clicking got me to the home website of the company offering the tour- epitourean.com.

If you’re thinking you wanna go BIG for your boyfriend’s birthday/anniversary/whatever this year, AND work in a little cheese making, consider planning a vacation for the two of you at Epitourean. I cannot speak for the validity of the site, but the comments look positive, and I didn’t find any scam warnings or disgruntled tour takers in my very thorough reseasch (one google search). All I know is that when I do make it big, I’m definitely booking one of these tours. The Greece trip looks particularly enticing. I will spend my ENTIRE vacation sampling olive oils and stuffing various food items into grape leaves. And at the end, I’ll have plenty of fodder for all of my future sex dreams.

For Your Sister- Send Over a Bottle Of Bubbly

When I was younger, I was pretty terrible to my little sister. Sure she’s always been able to beat me up, but in my preteen years I practiced a cruel and unusual form of psychological warfare that was way more damaging than the baby punches she’d throw. Usually it involved making her sit in a corner and watch my friends and I play house. We’d tell her she could join us, I’d even let her come into MY room! But then, just when her adorable little face was lighting up with excitement, we’d make her play our butler, or Scary Spice, or worst, our “neighbor”-which basically meant she had to sit quietly and watch how much fun we were having until we “came over to her house” (the closet) and let her speak. Often we’d forget she was trapped in there, and she’d sit patiently for hours waiting to be included. When I think about it now, I want to die. She was the CUTEST BABY EVER.  How did I do that to herrrr?!?!?

Anyway, don’t feel too bad for her. Now that we’re older, the tables have turned. I’m the one waiting in the metaphorical closet waiting for her to decide she wants to include me in her fun. As the older of two sisters, I always imagined growing up to be the wise, beer-buying, awesome grown-up my sister would look up to and admire. But it turns out she’s like one million times cooler than me. Now I’M the one calling three times a week trying to get her to come hang out. And even though she only lives 1.5 hours away, her multitude of friends keep her way too busy to ever visit me. (HOW DO I GET HER TO LIKE ME?!)

Anyway, next time a friend (or little sister you are trying to impress) has a birthday dinner/grad party/restaurant celebration of any kind- try this gift: call the restaurant a few hours before your friend is scheduled to arrive, ask them if you can purchase a bottle of champagne over the phone, and have it sent to the table once she gets there. That way, she’ll sit down with her friends and be super surprised when a celebratory bottle is brought over. Maybe she’ll even decide you are worthy enough to be one of her cool friends! A great way to be a part of celebration you can’t physically attend (because your little sister didn’t invite you).