For Host/Hostess- Brie Baker

Brie-tiful

SPEAKING OF CHEESE…. I was shopping with my mom last weekend and she was bragging about the great new gift she’d been bringing to all of the holiday parties she’s attending (she’s way more popular than I am). Apparently, along with the freckle and shortness genes I got from her, I also got my knack for gifting. She’s been picking up this brie baker from Crate and Barrel, filling it with some nice brie (she suggests Costco for this. we are a fancy family), and baking it right before she heads to a shin dig. That way you’re bringing an app AND a gift. Brilliant. Put some honey and fruit on it if you want to get all Food Network. Grab a sleeve of crackers and you’re all set.

Fun fact: my dad is an Iranian immigrant and once tried to say “shin dig” but instead kept saying “shing ding.”

For Your Mom, Grandma, BFF, Boyfriend, and/or Bride and Groom- West Elm MARKETPLACE Shenanigans

“Critically acclaimed,” you guys. BY CRITICS. Acclaimed! Mike Tyson is the new Kenneth Branagh.

WHAT is going on today!? So far I’ve received approximately one fuckton of emails from every retailer in the universe telling me about all the new deals they have? Did I time warp back to Cyber Monday? Did I not cyber hard enough for these people?! I mean, it MIGHT be because I sign up for every mailing list I come across (it’s a compulsion. I have a problem), but still, what the heck? Groupon sent me THREE separate emails today. There are only so many times I can refuse a deal on a fancy flat iron with a built in brush before I cave in to the Chinese Email Torture and start buying. I guess that’s what they are counting on. YOU GOT ME, GROUPON. NOW SEND ME THAT STRAIGHTENER STAT.

Anyway, in addition to the pretty fantastic email the Pantages Theater sent me to give me advance notice of Mike Tyson’s new live one man show directed by Spike Lee (apparently it was already a success on Broadway? What is happening in the world?), I also got a heads up about free shipping at West Elm’s “Marketplace”- a new department geared toward kitchen, garden, and a section called “personal care” which I’m assuming is all dildos. It features a bunch of fancy, overpriced stuff that is supposed to seem homey and rustic. I’ll never understand paying $35 for a piece of wood to put cheese on at parties, but whatever. Let’s harken back to the simple prairie lifestyle by spending an entire paycheck on fake wood (and cutting board oil????).

That’s not to say I would NOT buy that cheese board. I mean, I would. As my mom told me this weekend- cheese is VERY in right now. (I’m serious. She said that). Anyway, I was surprised to find that there are actually some cool things in there. If you can look past the bossy placemats and ridiculous twig forks, here are a few neat present ideas:

Wine!

It’s been well documented that I love wine, AND any and all wine accoutrements. So these re-purposed wine bottle glasses are a no brainer. Throw in a good ol’ bottle of Two Buck Chuck and you got yourself a little gift set. In the summer, try a white port and tonic with a little simple syrup and ice. Voila!

Bento box.

This is adorable. For roommates and coworkers everywhere! The responsible food stylist filled it with edamame instead of peanut butter pretzels like normal people would.

Hanging planter

Oops I love this. I’m determined to become one of those people who grow their own herbs and buy all of their tomatoes from the farmer’s market. Someone buy this for me!

Spice rack

I dunno. We’ve all got that one friend with too much time on her hands, giving her the ability to take spices from their store packaging and put them into pretty jars. That’s definitely not me. I pour salt on my dinner straight from the gigantic blue cylinder it comes in. But if you DO have a lot of free time (I’m looking at YOU friend from high school who married a rich dude when she was 21), this spice rack is prettttttyyyyyyy. It will make your friend feel like Ina Garten.

For Your BFF- Clueless Candles

Rollin with the homies.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!11111 Remember when I said I was getting all of my friends those wine sippy cups? I lied.

I gotta tell you, it really says something about the people of Etsy when there are about 8 thousand different versions of the “This Guy Loves His Wife” shirt for sale on there. I get that a lot of dudes hate saying those three little words even after years of being in a committed relationship, but if you’re gonna force your husband to be better about expressing his feelings, I think we’d all prefer he not have them written across his belly. Hate it. Anyway, there are plenty of spectacular things to be found on Etsy if you can push past the husband torture shirts, monogrammed beer steins, and knit-to-order socks. For example, these ridiculously awesome Clueless candle gift sets. An excellent addition to all of the Paul Rudd posters your friends already have plastered on the walls of their apartments.

For Dad and Baby- Keg Stand Shirt (no cybering required)

Yup.

It’s officially Cyber Monday (online shopping’s sexiest day) so I suppose we should be talking about all of the awesome things you could buy for other people online today (oops, I wrote this post a million hours ago and never posted it. Sorry cyber day is almost over!) I’ve gotten about 12 thousand emails outlining all of the awesome deals I could get IF ONLY I hadn’t already spent $200 this weekend.

… On Christmas decorations…

… Not even presents.

JUST decorations.

You’re probably thinking: “Geez. how many ornaments can one person buy?” The answer is- approximately 12 thousand. Or at least that’s what it feels like. Thanks a lot, Target.

The problem with Target is that it is literally impossible to spend less than $75 every time I go in there. I’ll walk in planning on buying razors and a birthday card, and walk out $100 poorer with a George Foreman grill, hand towels, and 3 boxes of wine. Everything is just so reasonably priced! It’s not fair! Plus, I’m pretty sure I NEED another hurricane glass to go along with the 4 I already have stuffed in a closet. You can never have enough hurricane glasses. I learned that from my mother. Someday I might fill them with seasonal fruit or epsom salt or something else I learned from the Women Of Pinterest (henceforth known as ‘WOP’, and characterized by their love of dip recipes, nail polish designs, and daily exercise routines). It could happen! I do crafts!

CASE IN POINT- Let’s talk about this gift. It does not require ANY online shopping (since I’m too poor for that now), but it does require a trip to Target. I know, I know- I just spent a whole paragraph explaining why Target is so hard, but I needed razors, guys. And since I already plan to lose $100 every time I go in there, this gift felt free.

I’ll admit I found this on Pinterest and re-appropriated it. Thanks WOP, for giving me something more useful than a crockpot brownie recipe. It’s adorable.

You just need to buy a dad sized shirt, a baby sized shirt, and some transfer paper. Then figure out how to make your printer print things in reverse (mirror image). This is the hard part that could take the better part of 6 months if you are me and my manfriend. After that- just print, iron, and send away! Then your baby’s friends will all know what’s up when he gets to his baby parties. Coolest. Baby. Ever.

For Your Thanksgiving Hostess- A Gift Guide

Looks just like me after the dessert round.

Thanksgiving used to be so much easier when all I did was go home to my parents’ house and hide in my room until it was time to eat. Then I loaded my plate, put two cans of Diet Coke in my pockets, and ran back upstairs to watch the rest of the Saved By The Bell holiday marathon.

Now that I’m a grown up (or whatever), I’m spending a lot more Thanksgivings at the homes of my friends, my friends’ parents, and, on particularly nerve wracking occasions, my boyfriend’s parents. Even more annoying than not being able to eat your mashed potatoes alone with Zack Morris, is that now you have do more than just socialize. You have to bring a gift.

Really though, you do. Sure you CAN bring a bottle of wine and a Marie Calendar’s Coconut Cream, but if you want to really impress your host, consider bringing something more imaginative. If you’re cooking/baking something to add to the meal, you don’t have to do much. I probably should have done this sooner, since now there’s not much time to order anything. But whatevs. Sorrryyyyyyy. Here are some last minute ideas you can pick up on your way:

1. Shameless Idea Plagiarism: DRINK UMBRELLAS

YES I am hereby admitting to reading Clinton Kelly’s Freakin’ Fabulous. Sorry I’m not sorry. I trust EVERYTHING that comes out of that man’s mouth. Also, he has his master’s in journalism. So there. Anyway, in his book, he gives a few ideas for hostess gifts- but my favorite has always been to bring a bag of little cocktail umbrellas for festive drinks. Thanksgiving might seem like not exactly the right time for umbrella drinks, but they are always fun to have in your kitchen for the future. I’d recommend this for a close friend’s Thanksgiving, probably not for your significant other’s parents. Wrap ’em and let her open them after everyone’s eaten or gone home. She’ll love having them.

2. Table Topics

Because, why not? It’s kind of expensive, but pretty fun. Also, when you can’t answer the “when are you going to get married/have kids/go back to grad school/stop letting your dad pay for your cell phone” questions anymore, this will help change the subject. Win-win!

3. A cool serving tray they can keep

Nothing bothers me more than when my mom starts cleaning literally 12 seconds after Thanksgiving dinner is served. I always feel really anxious when other people are cleaning and I’m trying to enjoy myself. Not anxious enough to stop eating and help, obviously, but just anxious enough to not fully enjoy my third serving of pie. Anyway, save your host the responsibility of doing all of the dishes before the guests leave by bringing your food on a serving tray she can keep. Put a little bow on it, or a note that says Happy Thanksgiving, and let the poor guests eat their dessert without having to yell over the sound of the garbage disposal. Crate and Barrel has some good ones. Or Macys. Really, anywhere. Just make sure it’s autumn-y and cute.

4. Festive Salt and Pepper Shakers

No one in the right mind actually buys themselves seasonal salt and pepper shakers, right? I mean, the only reason ANYONE should have them is if they got them as a gift. That’s why it’s so fun to give them to people. They’re fun to have, but no one actually buys them for themselves. That’s the definition of a great present. Your hostess isn’t gonna use them all year round, but two days before a big seasonal party/meal, when she’s digging in the back of her cabinets to find a salad bowl, she’ll see them and be thrilled to pull them out. Plus, she can unwrap them and throw them on the table day-of. I like these.

5. Whatever. Just bring wine.

Everyone loves wine.

…Or there’s always these monogrammed disposable coasters I wrote about before.

I posted about Wine Sippy Cups A Million Years Before Buzzfeed Did!!!

Or really like, 2 weeks.
BUT STILL.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/wine-sippy-cup

For Your Boyfriend- Old Timey Dog Portrait

I just. I can’t.

This might be weird- but I just really have a thing for dog-themed art. I don’t even have a dog. Neither does my boyfriend. But I have been trying to get him to adopt one for the better part of a year. We’ve even gotten pretty close a few times. For realz though, every time a dog comes within 50 feet of me, I am physically compelled to touch it. I’ve started maybe 500 million conversations with the phrase “I saw a dog today.” And still,  the Man Friend resists. Probably because of all the fur that would collect around the apartment. Even I get scolded on a daily basis for leaving stray locks on the couch/bed/floor/shower/his clothes/my clothes/the kitchen/my own head. The man hates hair. Also, there’s that whole “waking you up at 5 in the morning when it has to pee” thing. That is NOT happening. I don’t even get up when I’M the one who has to pee at 5am. I force myself back to sleep and hold it until it is a more reasonable hour. But whatever, even with all of the bodily function-related responsibilities, my argument has always been that a dog brings so much joy to your life that it is all completely worth it. I mean, SOMETIMES THEY SNUGGLE WITH YOU AND MAKE CUTE NOISES. ONCE, A DOG FELL ASLEEP WITH ITS HEAD IN MY LAP AND I DIED. Plus, all the clean up is traditionally the man’s job, right?

Anyway IF my boyfriend had a dog, I would FOR SURE order this for him. It’s hilarious. I imagine it hanging in the bathroom, maybe over the toilet so that guests have something to look at. The dogs look so sophisticated. I can’t stand it. I love when dogs pretend to be humans. There’s your dog, smoking a pipe in his fancy robe while reading a classic novel, when in real life I GUARANTEE he’s staring out the window of the living room, barking at a lizard.

Really though, is there anything better in the world than a dog wearing a hat? No. The answer is no.

For Your BFF- WINE ICE CREAM!!!!!!!!!

GimmeGimmeGimmeGimme

Welp, wine ice cream is a thing now THANK GOD. You’d think with all of the scientific advances we’ve made in the last decade, the invention of an ice cream that can get you drunk would have come long ago. Especially once all of the Top Chef contestants decided to try to prove that cooks are JUST LIKE scientists by mixing impossible-to-find chemicals in impossible-to-afford cooking apparatuses and creating impossible-to-enjoy food science experiments. I mean, why the FUCK was Marcel always making sea bass foam when we could have been mixing merlot and milk with some liquid nitrogen (I’m assuming it’s that easy) and creating wine ice cream EIGHT SEASONS AGO? You know Padma would have pee’d herself with joy. Or maybe not, she kind of seems like one of those women who only have “sips” of things. Gail would’ve gotten so drunk on that dessert, though. I love Gail.

Anyway, if you’re lucky enough to live in New York, Florida, or DC (which I am not, but considering moving for this), I’m pretty sure you’re going to want to order one of each flavor RIGHT NOW. I mean- CHOCOLATE CABERNET ICE CREAM THAT IS 5% ALCOHOLIC?! Come on. That’s not even fair. It is impossible for me not to eat that. Next time your BFF goes through a heartbreak, bring her wine ice cream and you’ll straight up revolutionize her break-up binge.

Would it be weird if I randomly sent this to everyone I know on the eastern seaboard? Right now that includes basically just my college roommate and my boyfriend’s mom. Whatever. They’ll love it.

For Your Grandma- Kiva Gift Certificate

Better for the world than that candle you were thinking about getting her.

Buying a present for my grandma was always impossible. As a kid, I would usually just get her a Jesus-y bookmark or tree ornament from the shop at my Catholic elementary school. Come Christmas day, she’d tell me how much she loved it, give me a hug, carefully put in her purse, and never mention it again. Then, months later, I’d find out she’d given my gift away to a little boy or old lady at her church. At first, I thought maybe it was just because I had bought her a small trinket without much thought. But as I got older, and bought her bigger and better things, she’d still always graciously thank me, fold the present into her purse, and as quickly as possible give it away to someone in need. No matter how hard I tried to find something she’d cherish, I always knew that within two weeks I’d see the homeless woman on the corner wearing the luxurious slippers, beautiful necklace, or sensible new coat I’d given to my grandma for Christmas.

My grandma was an excellent human being, a shining example of Christian charity and goodness, and a PAIN IN THE ASS to shop for. For the Do-Gooder in your life, skip the candle and give a gift certificate to Kiva instead. Kiva allows donors to choose which charities they’d like to support. You can buy a gift certificate for as little as $25, and let your loved one choose who the money will go to and how it will be used to better the community. If your grandma’s going to give away your gift anyway, might as well help her make a bigger impact in the world. Plus, you get to feel good about it too!

For Your Roommate- Audio Lightbulbs

Hear the light.

Apparently these hook up to ANY light bulb socket up to 60 watts. Any socket. ALL THE SOCKETS. Well, not all the sockets. But still- that’s most of them! It syncs to your iphone or ipod, and comes with a little remote control. I like the idea of these speakers as a gift for your BFF or roommate, along with a little note like this:

“Dear Roomie. Happy Birthday! Might I suggest screwing these speakers into your bathroom light sockets? I’m sure the neighborhood would appreciate it if your showertime musical stylings were drowned out by more than just the sound of running water. Love ya!”

But really- how great would these be in the bathroom? So cool.