For Your Dad- the iKettle

Fun fact about excessive drinking on Tuesday: it leads to inescapable desk napping on Wednesday.

Feel thankful that you do not follow me on Twitter, because the barrage of angry, ranting tweets I lobbed at my poor poor friends last night was not cool (and has since been mostly deleted). [Side note: I basically just discovered Twitter a few months ago because I am living in 2009. And oh my god guys, it’s kinda neat.]

AND because I was super busy tweeting, watching Catfish, and stumbling around my apartment, I didn’t get ANY work done last night and now have approximately one kajillion things to do. So, obviously, I’m writing blog posts instead because LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

Do you guys ever google encouraging phrases just to see what the internet will come up with to motivate you? No? Just me? Well. If you were smart, you’d try searching “OMG WAKE UP, SELF. AND DO WORK.” Because once you got past all the grumpy cat memes, you would have discovered this amazing kettle that will boil water for you whenever your iphone tells it to!

Now, instead of waking up every morning and hating everyone, the promise of the tea kettle boiling me up some delish English breakfast will make me an entirely different person. I could even imagine myself actually opening both of my eyes, brushing my hair, and perhaps saying “hello” to my roommate (and/or my gentleman caller. By which, of course, I mean my Elliot Stabler pillow).

Tea is my favorite thing besides burritos, planes driving around on the runway, and all-day marathons of Doug. It’s so much better than coffee! And healthier, right? Because of anti-oxidants and science? Oxidants are the worst!

Give this kettle to your loved ones and change their lives.

But DON’T google, “STOP EATING SO MANY WORK SNACKS” because you will find this.

For Your Friends- Herb Seed Bombs

I’ve wanted to post about these for a while, but was hesitant because

1. As a Persian person, I feel like writing “bomb” in a blog post and suggesting it be mailed to others is probably not the BEST move.

2. As a notorious killer of herb gardens, I feel that perhaps I lack the authority to write about growing living things.

3. I forgot.

BUT! I am busy at work and looking for an excuse to save all my stress for a few hours from now when it’s midnight and I’m writing terribly and the wine is gone and everyone is asleep and I have 4 articles to turn in ASAP. Also, I’m trying to expand my audience to the NSA-set. Hello, government overlords! (I promise these herb bombs are just harmless, hipster-nonsense gifts.) So here you go.

Send these HAND FORMED BALLS to your friends to shame them into being greener. Hopefully their garden will last longer than mine.

PS- If Big Brother comes and takes me away, I authorize my sister to post my manifesto. Spoiler: it’s mostly about goat cheese and Will&Grace.

For Your Bridesmaids- Bossy Handkerchiefs

Oh hi. It’s 7pm and I’m on my lunch break. And by lunch break, I mean cold tea and snack size can of pringles break. Also, I am still on the phone and emailing.

May I offer a few…

PRO LIFE TIPS:

1. Don’t have three jobs at one time.

2. Especially don’t have three jobs at one time if hardly any of them pay you.

3. Especially especially don’t have three jobs at one time and then get the yips and be unable to put together a coherent sentence (except in blog list form). And then cry to your dad about being a terrible writer on the way to another job interview. And then have snot on your sleeve when you are being judged on your maturity and responsibility.

4. Never leave your contacts in sink water.

5. Eat more snack size pringles.

SO YOU KNOW. I’ll be here. Working. Until the weeeeee hours of the morning again. It’s like college. Only in college, there were more Twizzlers around. Also, I think I was smarter then.

But whatever because I asked for this and the alternative is working in HR and hating everyone! IM EMBRACING LIFE. SLEEP IS UNNECESSARY. SOMEDAY THERE MIGHT EVEN BE TIME FOR WINE AGAIN.

Anyway, if you wanted to email me an encouraging note, I’d take it. Even a nice hand drawn picture. If it’s of me, make sure you include a single tear rolling down my cheek as all of my writing abilities go flying out the window, leaving me prostrate in front of the computer while all of my friends watch New Girl with alcohol in the next room…

Oh, and buy these handkerchiefs for your bridesmaids and/or graduation attendees.

(Note: this is exactly the kind of post that my mom says makes me seem like “a negative person.” So, um, to counterbalance that- just know that I am going to have a burrito later and it will make me pretty happy and upbeat. Until it’s gone. #curmudgeondiaries)

In other news: 30 Rock Season 7 is now on Netflix. I guess it’s not all bad.

For Your Friend- A Round of Drinks FROM THE INTERNET

A quick something special for my friends in Los Angeles and Seattle- I’m assuming you all have smart phones because this is NOW, and even babies have smart phones, and how do you avoid making eye contact with people in line for coffee if you aren’t Instragramming your shoes?

Anyway, I had the pleasure of going to the launch party for a new gifting app (#thisisthefuture) last week, and decided to share it with you because it’s cool, and also because they gave me free sliders and wine so I’m STILL in a good mood.

Gratafy is an app that lets you send restaurant food/alcohol gifts to your friends VIA THE INTERWEB. Here’s how it works:

Say it’s your friend’s birthday and they are celebrating with a big dinner at a restaurant in Santa Monica. However, you live in West Hollywood and refuse to try to go west of the 405 after work because NO WAY THAT’S FAR. So you send a text to your friend like “sorry, bro. would love to make it but ugh work and things and my boss is mean and meetings!” and your friend knows you are lying because then you tweet about watching Chopped on your couch, but they let you off the hook anyway because they are a better friend than you.

Then you start feeling guilty because you remember that last year for your birthday, your friend brought you champagne and agreed to karaoke with you even though you are a bossy, mic hogging terror at karaoke. But now it’s 9:15 and your shoes and pants are off so it’s not like you’re going to get in your car and try to make it to dinner by dessert-time. What do you do!?

Answer: stop making vine videos of your roommate watching TV, and open up your handy dandy Gratafy app. Then choose the restaurant and select your friend from your phone/facebook contacts and send them a little slice (or glass) of happy. Buy your friend a round of drinks at the bar they are at, or if you are sending this to me, make it an appetizer AND a round of drinks. Then your friend just has to show their phone to the server and collect on their gift. (Did that explanation make sense? Probably not, but just read the website. It’ll help.)

Helpful tip: you can also send gifts to yourself and sit at the bar pretending you are really popular and everyone loves buying you drinks.

For Your Mom- Tabletop Salad Sprayers

I have some very very very sad news to report. Brace yourselves…

… All of the plants in my herb garden died.

Our relationship was short and tumultuous. But much like every relationship I’ve ever been in, I loved them just a little more than they loved me. And despite my dedicated (er.. um… semi-dedicated?) watering and plant fooding, they left me. On the bright side, I got one home-grown jalapeno outta the deal. And a bunch of basil that I gave away to my mom before I knew my herb-boyfriends were facing their eminent demise. Our parting ceremony consisted of me cursing while I threw them in the dumpster. If only real break ups went that way.

Anyway, now I’m thinking I’ll just plant some fake flowery plants to hang instead. That way I don’t have to think about them, but if I catch a glimpse- hey, at least they look nice. Also fake plants don’t need real sunlight, which is hard to come by in my apartment.

I suppose this means my Ina Garten dreams are dashed. I’ll never be the Barefoot Contessa and make bruschetta for my gay friends and sometimes Jeffrey when he comes home to the Hamptons from his important Washington job. But then I also won’t have to throw a million goddamn dinner parties where people expect me to share the wine.

It’s fine, though, because I found these cool (and cheap!) tabletop salad sprayers that let you infuse oils in a handy contraption that will also spray them on your salads (or if you’re me, your bread/pizza/french fries). Plus, even if I wanted to make rosemary or basil oil, it wouldn’t fit enough in there to warrant a whole patio-garden. I’ll just keep buying my herbs in small bunches from Trader Joes like normal humans. (Except they only sell basil in a package big enough to feed a small country and then I throw like 4 pounds of basil away because no one can eat that much basil.)

Give these pretty sprayers to your mom or something. Good for a hostess or housewarming gift too.

Feel free to send me condolence flowers for my garden or condolence chocolates for my stomach.

For a Housewarming- Junk Drawer

He’s HERE!!! HE’S HERE! THE ROYAL BABY IS HERE! Or something. I dunno. That’s what the news is saying. I just saw a picture, and I’m sorry but Kate Middleton’s hair right now is UNACCEPTABLE. It’s too nice! My hair doesn’t even look that good when my hair stylist does it on special occasions (i.e. when I save enough money to go to a hair stylist). This lady gave birth 24 hours ago and THAT’S how she gets to look? What the heck!? Where’s the greasy top bun that the rest of us would be sporting?

Dear Future Husband, please go look at a picture of Kate Middleton right now. Then please understand that I will look OPPOSITE of that the day after having your baby. And probably for the next 18 years after that. Love, your human wife.

The days of my greasy top buns are over for now because now I (kind of) have a job, and I’m assuming my coworkers will expect me to wash my hair on the reg. So demanding! But at least now I’m clean and semi-busy all the time!

Anyway, right now I’m savoring my last days of freedom and sitting (literally) in a long line for a movie screening because the tickets are free. Figure I should bang out a quick post because I’m bored of eaves dropping on the conversations of other people anyway. Be impressed with my HTML skillz, though. Because the phone app doesn’t have a button for fancy formatting like italics . I’m doing this OLD SCHOOL, bitches.

So! Junk drawer as a housewarming or wedding gift. Because a vase is boring and no one actually likes to buy lightbulbs and note pads even though they need them. Get a tub and help your friends out by doing it for them. Full it with a lint roller, scissors, a screw driver, laundry quarters, light bulbs, bobby pins, etc. Also, batteries. People ALWAYS need batteries. I’m fact, I need batteries right now! There are some electric candles that I still haven’t been able to turn on in order to seduce gentlemen callers. It’s the worst!

Ok the line is moving. And I need popcorn.

More later.

For the Bride and Groom- Personalized Salt ‘n Pepper Shakers

Wellllllllllllp. All I want in the world right now is an Egg McMuffin and all the aspirin. There are just so many steps between eating that McMuffin and me. Like…. pants, car, talking to the lady in the drive through, home. I just can’t. So I’m going to sit here until someone brings me one. Now it’s on you! Don’t let me starve!

There are, however, a few things I CAN do without lifting my head from my pillow. Spilling water on myself when trying to drink from a glass, for example. Or staring at the wall. Also, Esty-ing. I developed a pain-free method where I keep my head on the bed and inch my arm out so that I can scroll and click with minimal body movement. It’s working!

Speaking of Etsy. A friend of mine is having a birthday party next week, and because he’s a (lovable) weirdo, he’s asked that the only gifts people get him are novelty salt ‘n pepper shakes. WHICH I LOVE. Because, in case you were wondering how much time I can spend scouring the internet for salt and pepper shakers, the answer is FOREVER. FOREVER TIME.

I still haven’t found the right ones for him, but did come across this lady. She will paint you some personalized romantic shakers for your lucky wedded friends, your mom and dad on their anniversary, or whoever! And they are so cute! Suh. Cyuh. Way better than the flatware on their registry. Forks have got to be the LEAST exciting things to get as a gift. These are guaranteed to surprise and delight. I’m gonna have some made for me. Romantic shakers with my face on the salt and an Egg McMuffin on the pepper. True love!

For a Housewarming- DSchwen #FoodArtPairings

I’ve been thinking about “perfect matches” a lot lately. Partly because I think I found my soul mate in a burrito from a place near my parents’ house, and partly because I’ve been wondering if non-food perfect matches actually exist. As evidenced by yesterday’s sad kitten post, it’s not all sunshine and burritos over here on my end. In fact, it’s quite NON-burrito. But between bouts of despairing loneliness and weird sex dreams about 30 Rock’s Astronaut Mike Dexter, I’ve had a few moments of clarity (mostly at brunch), and those moments have helped me decide that there just is no cheese to my macaroni. No human perfect matches. And because there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m just going to spend my life eating a lot of macaroni and cheese. At least until the state of California makes lady-to-burrito marriages legal.

A depressing, but delicious conclusion.

Anyway, David Schwen does these great instagram photos of perfect food pairings. I love them, and think they’d be a cool and unique addition to your friends’ kitchen decor. Great as a housewarming, wedding (ugh), or hostess gift. He sells signed prints for $30 (a bargain!) on his website. They are limited edition so get ’em while they’re hot. More examples below!

 

Disclaimer- that last one isn’t real. It was made by someone who doesn’t own Photoshop and only has rudimentary Microsoft Word skills….

 

For Yourself- The Bar 10der

You deserve a gift.

You’ve been working really hard. (Or not, but wishing you were). You’ve been paying all your bills. You’ve been exercising. You’ve been crying because your boyfriend of two years dumped you and basically told you he doesn’t even miss you so that’s fun. You cleaned the bathroom and it was gross. You tried to start an herb garden but there’s no sun at your apartment. You did 12 loads of laundry. Your life has been tough. You need a drink.

Sometimes, the person in your life who most needs a really good gift is YOU. And putting together a dream shopping cart at Nordstrom.com that you’ll never be able to afford is just not enough. Which is why I bought this for myself today. Because, sure I have many of these bar things in my kitchen, but I don’t have them all IN MY PURSE ALL THE TIME. And as a newly single, sad person, I’m drinking almost constantly. (Breakfast bourbons are an acceptable food group! It’s European or something!)

Take it from someone who’s drunk a lot of cork in parking lots (no judgement!), it’s always useful to have a corkscrew on your person. Plus, you just never know when you’re gonna need to muddle some mint in an emergency-mojito situation. Be the life of any party, buy yourself a Bar 10der. You deserve it.

(Also great as a birthday party favor, housewarming prezzie, or bridesmaid’s gift)

Ps- Look at my herb garden! But don’t be fooled, I bought the plants fully grown. We’ll see how they fare. For now, I feel like effing Ina Garten over here. Jeffery’s getting some fresh basil for dinner! And that’s all, because I don’t know how to cook.

For Everyone- Custom Bobblehead

Let’s talk about the pro’s and con’s of spending 4 to 5 hours a day at Starbucks. Because I used to think this was my dream life, but now that I’m living it, ummmmmmmm…… it’s not that awesome.

Pros:

Taking creepy stalker photos of all my celeb sightings- Beverly Leslie, Josh Gad, Kristin Chenoweth, Bachelor Jake, etc.

Sausage Cheddar Breakfast Sandos

ALL the Chai Tea Lattes

Overhearing ridiculous conversations

More Chai Lattes

Sausage Cheddar Breakdast sandos for the road

Cons:

There is a weird mentally ill homeless person sitting next to me who keeps pretending like he’s struggling to open a particularly fussy imaginary bag. It’s getting progressively harder for him (he’s getting tired?) and he’s coughing a lot near my sandwich.

Every hour I have to scan the room for someone who looks trustworthy enough to monitor my stuff while I run out to feed the meter. No one ever wants to be tasked with this. I have to sprint to the meter.

It’s too cold inside but too hot outside.

Oh? Ok. Yup. The homeless man is itsy-bitsy-spidering his hand dangerously near my thigh. Awesome.

I’ve put on at least 7 pounds of pure breakfast sando weight.

In conclusion- SOMEONE HIRE ME BECAUSE READING A BOOK AT STARBUCKS ALL DAY IS NOT WHAT I IMAGINED IT WOULD BE WHEN I TOILING AWAY AT MY DESK. Having nothing to do all day is HARD, guys. The only thing on my agenda today is going to the grocery store to buy toilet paper. And I’m EXCITED about it. Seriously.

But enough about my first world problems (this Starbucks has slow internet! my computer is running out of battery and I don’t feel like plugging it in!), let’s talk about a fun gift.

One word: bobblehead. I seriously cannot picture ANY situation where a custom bobblehead is NOT an appropriate gift. Birthday, Mother’s Day, wedding, housewarming, graduation, literally ANY occasion. Who wouldn’t love to get a bobblehead of themselves or a loved one? Maybe splurge and get them a whole set.

Plus, you get to control what the body of the bobblehead is doing! You can go realistic (your boyfriend playing basketball, your mom reading a book, me watching television), or ridiculous (your friend being Harry Potter, your brother riding a golden bull (?), me doing anything besides watching television). There are 31 pages of options!

Update- just realized that the Harry Potter one is really just “male graduate with books.” My bad….

Best description of a bobblehead ever goes to Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock: “When you move his head, his head moves!!!”