For Your Girlfriends- Tanning Pillow

IMPORTANT NEWS: the bangs are now long enough to be parted and pushed to the side! Success! I am now in a place where I only hate them approx 35% of the time. Things are really turning around over here. You’re welcome for my hair update.

Also! It’s summer! Or at least it is here. I don’t know where you live. But it’s probably nearing summer because of global warming and whatever. (In my head, summer is not an official season with a start and end, it’s generally “any time I get to wear jorts.”) So obviously, it’s time to go to the beach.

One problem (beside the inevitable sand-in-vagina-region sitch): where do I put all my shit when I’m tanning?!?!!? I can’t just leave my phone out to get all hot and angry at me. And how am I supposed to store my Bay Cities sandwich in between bites? IN A COOLER? YEAH RIGHT. I don’t have one of those. I’m not MY MOM. Then there’s all my other standard accouterment: keys, watch, pocket breathalyzer, family size bag of pita chips, etc. I’d leave them in my purse, but when I’m face down with my eyes closed, some hooligan could come by and grab it and I wouldn’t even know! Plus, there’s a good chance my top is untied and I guarantee that everyone not seeing my boobs would be more important to me in that moment than getting up and chasing a robber.

That is way I sort of love this beach pillow. You can put all your stuff in it while you lay out. AND you don’t have to make a pillow out of your jorts! Goodbye, weird indentation in my head where the button is poking me! I’ve got a SPECIAL TANNING PILLOW now!

This thing also calls itself a “massage pillow.” I don’t know who these ladies are going to the beach with, but I need to meet their friends because mine are definitely NOT giving me massages, ocean-side or otherwise. They are too busy chasing the dogs other people brought to the boardwalk. But whatever, if some dude wanders by and asks to rub sunscreen on your back, and least you’ll have some nice head support while he does it.

Enjoy!

For Your BFF- The Most Disgusting Period Underwear Ever

 

IM BUSY BECAUSE IM COOL, but I know you miss me. Here’s something I wrote rull quick for one of my jobs. Enjoy…

http://fabfitfun.com/period-panties-kickstarter

Please continue to hold while I collect my thoughts. I have a lot of things to say about this. To be continued.

For Your Yuppie White Friends- A Buncha Stuff

Hello pretties! Well, since K has decided that the holidays are a perfect time to take a hiatus from her BLOG ABOUT GIFTS (seriously, K?), I decided to fill a bit of this gap with a general post about gift ideas for the holidays. After the many years I spent in Berkeley, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and New York, I have become a fucking expert on what yuppie white people like. And despite their tendancy to drive you crazy, you may have some YWPs in your life that you need to buy gifts for.

So, without further ado, here is my Gifts Yuppie White People Will Like holiday list! Please buy any and all of the things on this list for the YWPs you love, and I promise they will be as happy as they are on free yoga day at Lulu Lemon. Happy hunting!

A collection of yankee candles
A juice cleanse
Anything DIY (preferably something that costs more than what its replicating)
Green tea that has no english on the package (it’s more healthy that way)
A North Face fleece
Anything pumpkin flavored
Something made out of distressed wood
A single-gear bike
Rock climbing passes
A cookbook by a famous chef (complete with recipes that they will never try)
Clothing for dogs
Beer that comes from a microbrewery
Things with moustaches drawn on them
Cultural appropriation
Flannel
Lastly, a gift that comes in a mason jar (literally anything)

Hope this was helpful. Although cultural appropriation may be hard to put in a box (or maybe not so hard), honestly, I know lots of people who would be fucking amped to recieve some of the gifts on there (rock climbing passes – for real, it’s this year’s Zumba).

Happy Holidays!

xo
Katie

DUDES’ CORNER! Star Wars Cufflinks

Duh da da daaaaaa! It’s time, once again, for everyone’s favorite segment: the PERFECTLY NAMED Dudes’ Corner! Katie finally got her shiz together and wrote a post about what to get the gross men in your life! Which is good, because I have been far too busy looking up Shane West gifs and grating cheese straight into my mouth.

Once again, Katie proves she is the giantest of giant nerds by bringing us another Star Wars prezzie. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, since we DID spend like 45 minutes talking about the proper usage of semi-colons last time I saw her; Anyway; enjoy the post. I have to go buy underwear because I’m too lazy to do laundry. ;

;;;

MERRY CHRISTMAS KIDS!  Or happy holidays, I guess.  We can be PC here.  But really it’s also November and I’d like Starbucks to chill out with the holiday cups this early in the game, ifyadontmind.

Guys.  I have to say, this whole “thinking of widely applicable gift ideas” thing is kind of hard.  I managed to have one in the chamber and ready to go for my first post, but then the days dragged on and my mind was all “go shopping and buy yourself clothes because gifts for you are more important than things for other people** and you have plenty of time,” but then K was all “dude write me another guest post” and everything got awful.

Just kiddingggg it’s present time!  With the holidays rapidly (ish) approaching, the pressure is on to avoid gifting Brookstone LED-light keychains to everyone in your family.

As someone who works in corporate Ughmerica, I can attest to the fact that getting creative with your wardrobe can be a little difficult – the “appropriate cleavage” line is harder to navigate than LA at 3:30 on a weekday.  Luckily for men, they (1) don’t have to worry about their sweater puppies and (2) can usually get away with a little fun in the cufflinks department.  These Star Wars cufflinks are the perfect gift for a fellow nerd and most of them are nice/subtle enough to not look tacky!  I just gifted a pair of the star destroyers last week and they went over very well.

And in other news I passed the bar which I guess makes me a real adult/lawyer person or something.  So all of YOU should be sending ME gifts (maybe a giant lego deathstar for my office? kaythanks!).

General holiday gift advice:  I only have one big no-no dude gift for this year and that’s whiskey stones.  I feel like every dude in the world got whiskey stones last year for Christmas (spoiler: they got them from me – sometimes I need something easy okay?).  What they don’t tell you about whiskey stones is that they look super gross when they get wet and just don’t keep your booze cold enough.  They just can’t.  They’re not ice.  I’M SORRY.

Good luck out there, my sparkling baby reindeers!

Katie

**THAT’S THE NAME OF THE BLOG!  DID YOU CATCH THAT?   It’s like in movies when Jack Nicholson is all “What if this is as good as it gets?” and the entire audience cringes.

For Your Brother- Batman Book Shelves

So there you are. Innocently sniffing a box of your stuff that your ex dropped at your house and MAYBE quietly crying into your wine, when the doorbell rings.

Usually when the bell rings, you hold you breath and pretend not to be home until whoever it is leaves. But tonight, you are expecting your friend because you both have new jobs and like to use that as an excuse to “celebrate” all the time.

It strikes you as strange that your friend would ring the doorbell, since usually she barely even announces herself as she walks in and pours herself a glass o’red. But you go with it. Maybe she’s feeling shy.

You open the door…. and immediately regret it. Standing in front of you is a young lady. She is trying to get you to sign something about stopping fracking, which fine because fracking is bad for the environment and I already heard that from NPR.

BUT THEN. When she gets to the part about asking you for money, she looks from your mascara-smeared eyes, to your plastic cup full of wine, to your covered-in-magazines apartment and says, “I can tell you’re in college. Or JUST got out of college. Or don’t have a lot of money, but any little bit helps.”

FIRST OF ALL: RUDE. Yeah, maybe my house still has decorations up from my roommate’s birthday in July. And maybe there are empty pizza boxes on the coffee table. And yeah maybe everything has a thin layer of dust because I keep forgetting to buy Clorox wipes and how am I supposed to clean without them? BUT DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK THAT MAYBE ITS BECAUSE IM LEANING IN AND HAVE A LOT OF CAREER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT AND AM A BUSY LADY?!

SECOND OF ALL: Brunch is expensive and I’d rather spend my money on delicious eggs and bacon than… basically anything else.

THIRD OF ALL: Correct.

Anyway, she felt bad for me and left without any of my money. Ha! I win! And I gave them a fake email address so there.

But maybe it IS time to upgrade some things in my apartment. Besides just throwing away all of the wine bottles and old newspapers that are collecting in the recycling corner.

Fancy book shelves are probably the way to start. After a little googling, I found this. Think it would help? Whatever because I’m buying it. (or something like it because this one is sold out and that is typical of my life and ugh). There are a couple different designs floating around. They are awesome! You’re welcome.

❤

 

 

For Your Dad- the iKettle

Fun fact about excessive drinking on Tuesday: it leads to inescapable desk napping on Wednesday.

Feel thankful that you do not follow me on Twitter, because the barrage of angry, ranting tweets I lobbed at my poor poor friends last night was not cool (and has since been mostly deleted). [Side note: I basically just discovered Twitter a few months ago because I am living in 2009. And oh my god guys, it’s kinda neat.]

AND because I was super busy tweeting, watching Catfish, and stumbling around my apartment, I didn’t get ANY work done last night and now have approximately one kajillion things to do. So, obviously, I’m writing blog posts instead because LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

Do you guys ever google encouraging phrases just to see what the internet will come up with to motivate you? No? Just me? Well. If you were smart, you’d try searching “OMG WAKE UP, SELF. AND DO WORK.” Because once you got past all the grumpy cat memes, you would have discovered this amazing kettle that will boil water for you whenever your iphone tells it to!

Now, instead of waking up every morning and hating everyone, the promise of the tea kettle boiling me up some delish English breakfast will make me an entirely different person. I could even imagine myself actually opening both of my eyes, brushing my hair, and perhaps saying “hello” to my roommate (and/or my gentleman caller. By which, of course, I mean my Elliot Stabler pillow).

Tea is my favorite thing besides burritos, planes driving around on the runway, and all-day marathons of Doug. It’s so much better than coffee! And healthier, right? Because of anti-oxidants and science? Oxidants are the worst!

Give this kettle to your loved ones and change their lives.

But DON’T google, “STOP EATING SO MANY WORK SNACKS” because you will find this.

For Your Friends- Herb Seed Bombs

I’ve wanted to post about these for a while, but was hesitant because

1. As a Persian person, I feel like writing “bomb” in a blog post and suggesting it be mailed to others is probably not the BEST move.

2. As a notorious killer of herb gardens, I feel that perhaps I lack the authority to write about growing living things.

3. I forgot.

BUT! I am busy at work and looking for an excuse to save all my stress for a few hours from now when it’s midnight and I’m writing terribly and the wine is gone and everyone is asleep and I have 4 articles to turn in ASAP. Also, I’m trying to expand my audience to the NSA-set. Hello, government overlords! (I promise these herb bombs are just harmless, hipster-nonsense gifts.) So here you go.

Send these HAND FORMED BALLS to your friends to shame them into being greener. Hopefully their garden will last longer than mine.

PS- If Big Brother comes and takes me away, I authorize my sister to post my manifesto. Spoiler: it’s mostly about goat cheese and Will&Grace.

For Your BFF- Custom Designed Body Pillow

“Objects are made by man, and used for many purposes. But we NEVER. LOVE. OBJECTS.”

So. Earlier, I was Google searching “Elliot Stabler Body Pillow” because that is what my sad sad life has come to at this point. The bad news is: no one makes one that I can just buy and have delivered and be sleeping with by the end of the week. The good news is: DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE LIKE 8 MILLION DIFFERENT LAW& ORDER:SVU FANFICTION STORIES ONLINE?! If the internet wasn’t made so that I could read terribly written stories about Benson and Stabler hooking up after particularly difficult sex crime cases, THEN I DON’T KNOW WHY IT WAS MADE. Thank you, internet gods!

The other good news is that I found a website that will let you custom design your own body pillow covers! Which means I have officially found Christmas presents for all of my friends! Roommate obviously gets Dragon Tattoo Rooney Mara. Sister gets Lee Pace holding a pie. Self gets double sided Chris Meloni/Dermot Mulroney because if your hair is not salt and peppered, then I cannot love you.

Possibilities are endless. You’re welcome.

For Your Bridesmaids- Bossy Handkerchiefs

Oh hi. It’s 7pm and I’m on my lunch break. And by lunch break, I mean cold tea and snack size can of pringles break. Also, I am still on the phone and emailing.

May I offer a few…

PRO LIFE TIPS:

1. Don’t have three jobs at one time.

2. Especially don’t have three jobs at one time if hardly any of them pay you.

3. Especially especially don’t have three jobs at one time and then get the yips and be unable to put together a coherent sentence (except in blog list form). And then cry to your dad about being a terrible writer on the way to another job interview. And then have snot on your sleeve when you are being judged on your maturity and responsibility.

4. Never leave your contacts in sink water.

5. Eat more snack size pringles.

SO YOU KNOW. I’ll be here. Working. Until the weeeeee hours of the morning again. It’s like college. Only in college, there were more Twizzlers around. Also, I think I was smarter then.

But whatever because I asked for this and the alternative is working in HR and hating everyone! IM EMBRACING LIFE. SLEEP IS UNNECESSARY. SOMEDAY THERE MIGHT EVEN BE TIME FOR WINE AGAIN.

Anyway, if you wanted to email me an encouraging note, I’d take it. Even a nice hand drawn picture. If it’s of me, make sure you include a single tear rolling down my cheek as all of my writing abilities go flying out the window, leaving me prostrate in front of the computer while all of my friends watch New Girl with alcohol in the next room…

Oh, and buy these handkerchiefs for your bridesmaids and/or graduation attendees.

(Note: this is exactly the kind of post that my mom says makes me seem like “a negative person.” So, um, to counterbalance that- just know that I am going to have a burrito later and it will make me pretty happy and upbeat. Until it’s gone. #curmudgeondiaries)

In other news: 30 Rock Season 7 is now on Netflix. I guess it’s not all bad.

For Your Boyfriend- BBQ Branding Iron

It’s football season! Teams! Touchdowns! Assault scandals! Meat grilling! Men thinking it’s cool to be drunk from Thursday night to Monday night! Yay!

[Important Football Question: You know those guys who have long hair/dreads and leave them down under their helmets? HOW CAN THEY STAND IT? Is it some sort of fashion statement? Because if my hair was stuck against my neck while I was sweating for three hours, I think I’d die. I get that a top bun wouldn’t fit under the helmet, but why not a cool braid or some sort of shorter haircut? Perhaps The Rachel? If someone can enlighten me as to why this hair-down thing is done, I would be greatly appreciative and also maybe able to concentrate on the actual game. (But probably not because I’ll be dying of boredom.) Digression over.]

The one really good thing about football season (besides the fact that I get to wear old college shirts on Saturdays instead of doing laundry. Go Bears!) is that every weekend is a big meat- and beer-filled party. I could pretend that I’m one of those cool “most of my friends are dudes and I’m just one of the guys but all my friends think I’m hot because I’m a dainty girl who drinks beer” ladies, but come on. Football is the worst and I don’t like watching it. Most of it is not even actual PLAY. It’s just time where everyone is standing around and drinking Gatorade. And yet, somehow, men still find a lot of reasons for loud outbursts that always startle me while I’m focusing on eating dip. But then again, there would be no reason for me to eat dip without football, so I dunno. I’m not totally against it.

Anyway, I don’t want to be sexist and be all- “buy this for your boyfriend because only men like meat and sports” but like…. I mean, I LOVE meat (saucy winky face), but I don’t really want to be in charge of grilling it. There’s something about dudes that makes them think they are virile cavemen/cowboys when a grill is around. And that’s fine with me because I’m concentrating on the dip.

Buy this branding iron for your manfriend and then he can go all John Wayne on everyone’s steaks and/or Morning Star Veggie Patties (#ughLA).

Pro-tip: wrap it in his favorite team’s colors. (Then don’t let him take the wrapping off so that he has to hold a ribboned rod when he brands things. I just like that visual.)