For Your Valentine- DIY Sex Art

[Warning specifically for my dad: graphic content. please stop reading. here’s an interesting TedTalk for you instead.]

STOP LOOKING FOR A VALENTINE’S DAY GIFT FOR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER RIGHT NOW. I just found the PERFECT thing. It’s done. You win at V-Day.

Ok, here goes: basically you are going to make a sex painting while getting it on. The “Love is Art” kit comes with a cotton canvas, not-toxic paint (thank god, because I guarantee you’re gonna get some up in your naughty bits), plus body wash (you know, in case you don’t have that).

You lay out the canvas, throw some paint down and then go at it until you’ve created a sexual masterpiece of abstract art. If you wanna get really artsy, you can get colored canvases and special metallic paints. Up to you. How much do you love your boyfriend?

Here are the reasons I love this:

1. I don’t have to buy fancy lingerie that costs a million dollars, and then awkwardly change into it after dinner and be like “let me slip into something more comfortable” and then go to the bathroom and strap on a bunch of straps. And then sprint from the bathroom to the bed because god help me if I ever let someone see me standing around in a circulation-strangling bustier and crotchless panties. Also, eff you guys because dudes are always just like, “oh, cool underwears I guess. Take them off.” so it’s not even worth it. SO. If we’re going to get all painty anyway, I get to just wear my 5-year-old Target brand cotton thongs. Score!

2. If we’re gonna make some art, he’s gotta last longer than like 6 seconds. No one wants to hang a canvas that is literally just a butt outline. Where’s the movement?!

3. Art’s expensive. I don’t know if you know this, but sometimes it costs like hundreds of dollars. Or like, thousands, I suppose. But that is so ridiculous I refuse to even think about it. The “art” on the walls of my apartment is just a bunch of pictures of me and my roommate hung in dollar store frames. Making your own sex art is the perfect way to spice up your decor without haggling with the guy at the fancy farmer’s market over his abstract pieces. (This might be a thing that only happens at LA farmer’s markets.)

4. I just like imagining the look on someone’s face when they lean in for a better view of the painting, and then right at that moment you whisper, “Steve really knows how to evoke emotion with his strokes.” And then wink and walk away.

My office just had a 15 minute discussion about the best techniques for actually doing this. Put the paint on yourself first? Put it directly on the canvas then roll around? Personally I like the idea of stamping parts of your body onto the canvas, but I’ll admit it’s probably not conducive to raucous sex-having. I imagine me yelling “let’s see what an outline of my knee looks like!!!!” might not put a man in the most sensual mood. Evs.

Get this. Do this. Let me know how it turns out.

Hint: Is it just me, or is a prefab kit totally unnecessary? Just go buy a sheet and some paint and you’ve got your own! Woo!

Introducing: Mail Gifts and Male Gifs

In which I share a wonderful piece of electronic mail I received about a gift on the blog. And then just give you a bunch of hot dude gifs because duh. 

You know I love you all, but TFOP reader Lindsey just became my all-time favorite.

Last month, she emailed me about the Ryan Gosling blanket idea (boom), lamenting the fact that it’s nearly impossible to find a pic large enough to be made into a blanket for her BFF. Unfortch (unfortch?) I had already broken the cardinal rule of Ryan Gosling photos and erased the original off of my computer. 😦 😦 😦 Hope was seemingly lost!

But together we did a bit of research and found a suitable photo (#TeamWorkMakesTheDreamWork). Then Linds went off to make her best friend’s dreams come true.

Here’s part of the email I got from her today:

So. I decide why not try Walmart to get this blanket of ryan gosling. It was like $20 cheaper than Shutterfly and I figured they outsourced to them anyways. So I put everything through and uploaded the picture you gave me. It looked good so I sent it and the waiting game began. I arrived home one day to find a Walmart package at the door. I about peed myself I was so happy. I am ripping apart the bag and see what appears to be a blanket. Perfect. I then pull it out to take a better look at it. Definitely NOT Ryan goslings glorious abs. I wish someone was taking a picture of me then b/c my face must have been priceless. Well I am pretty sure I went through all or most stages of emotion during this. Shock, Anger, Denial, Shock again, Acceptance and Love (and lots of tears from laughing so hard with my mom). Well needless to say it was too good to send back. So I went straight to the source and ordered a new blanket through Shutterfly. So the picture you are about to see is both the results of what is now my new blanket and Nicole’s christmas gift. Which she loved.

Ps. I have no idea who the families are. and from what I can gather none of them are related. Yet I cannot find it as a “sample” pic anywhere on walmart’s site. It was just a christmas miracle I suppose….

hope you enjoy!

Lindsey

Obviously I am obsessed with this entire thing! WalMarttttttt. Like, what?

Anyway, things worked out great and now Lindsey has her own blanket and Nicole gets to sleep with RyGos every night! Happy New Year to everyone!

p.s. It’s seriously disturbing that when you type “hot guy gif” into Tumblr, you get a ton of Justin Bieber pics. STRIVE FOR MORE, TWEENS OF 2014. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

p.p.s. These are all of the people on my Top 5 Laminated List. #overshare?

For Your Friend (or Boyfriend. UGH Stop With The Valentines Day Already)- Autographer Wearable Camera

Oh hey.

Yeah yeah yeah it was Christmas and I didn’t post ANYTHING. But come on, you guys! I was busy single-handedly saving the world from winter weight gain by eating all of the Christmas cookies in a 50 mile radius. (You’re welcome, BTW.)

Now it’s somehow the MIDDLE of January (?!?!?!) and I know you’ve been wondering about my whereabouts AS PER YOOJ because all you care about is my life and whats going on with me and when I’m gonna post again.

Anyway. How about a gift idea, friend? Sure the holidays are over, but poor unlucky souls with January birthdays still need some love. Also it’s almost MLK day, so that’s a thing. And if you’re the WORST and already planning a V-Day present for  your boyfriend, I guess I can come up with some not-stupid stuff for you. Let’s get started, shall we?

The Autographer Wearable Camera is THE SHIT. It’s $400 but you’ve got Christmas money, right? This thing’s got enough memory to shoot for 12 hours non-stop and take a bunch of pictures. The lady they’ve got modeling it is a little terrifying, but besides that it seems great all around. It’s like a sleeker Go Pro. What dude would not like this? Like seriously. If your boyfriend doesn’t love this then I know NOTHING about men. *

Alternatively, there’s this cool scale that links to your smartphone and measures everything from body weight (duh) to body fat, resting heart rate, and indoor air quality (?). Is it mean to get someone a scale? I’d like it. #coachelladiet

So, uh. There. Sorry they’re expensive. Now that I’m super flush with Christmas cash I just feel like we can all afford to ball a little.

Will post again soon! (Maybe.)

ps. Guess what! I just learned what SEO is. (Hint: It’s NOT a South Korean electronics store like I thought.) Now this shit is search optimized! Prepare to see TFOP in Google every time you look up “super hot blogger chick” or whatever. I don’t really know how the Internet works.

pps. We’re moving to Tumblr soon so I just want to prepare you all. Because if I’ve learned anything from my Newsfeed after Facebook changes the placement of one tiny feature, you guys really HATE change. We’ll be here by March. For now, it’s just a bunch of (mostly 30 Rock related) stuff I reblogged from my sister while learning how Tumblr works. Don’t judge me. It’ll look nice soon. Or like, eventually. GIVE ME A BREAK GEEZ. Feel free to keep watching me experiment and fail until the grand unveiling.

xx

*I am single.