For Your Friend (or Boyfriend. UGH Stop With The Valentines Day Already)- Autographer Wearable Camera

Oh hey.

Yeah yeah yeah it was Christmas and I didn’t post ANYTHING. But come on, you guys! I was busy single-handedly saving the world from winter weight gain by eating all of the Christmas cookies in a 50 mile radius. (You’re welcome, BTW.)

Now it’s somehow the MIDDLE of January (?!?!?!) and I know you’ve been wondering about my whereabouts AS PER YOOJ because all you care about is my life and whats going on with me and when I’m gonna post again.

Anyway. How about a gift idea, friend? Sure the holidays are over, but poor unlucky souls with January birthdays still need some love. Also it’s almost MLK day, so that’s a thing. And if you’re the WORST and already planning a V-Day present for  your boyfriend, I guess I can come up with some not-stupid stuff for you. Let’s get started, shall we?

The Autographer Wearable Camera is THE SHIT. It’s $400 but you’ve got Christmas money, right? This thing’s got enough memory to shoot for 12 hours non-stop and take a bunch of pictures. The lady they’ve got modeling it is a little terrifying, but besides that it seems great all around. It’s like a sleeker Go Pro. What dude would not like this? Like seriously. If your boyfriend doesn’t love this then I know NOTHING about men. *

Alternatively, there’s this cool scale that links to your smartphone and measures everything from body weight (duh) to body fat, resting heart rate, and indoor air quality (?). Is it mean to get someone a scale? I’d like it. #coachelladiet

So, uh. There. Sorry they’re expensive. Now that I’m super flush with Christmas cash I just feel like we can all afford to ball a little.

Will post again soon! (Maybe.)

ps. Guess what! I just learned what SEO is. (Hint: It’s NOT a South Korean electronics store like I thought.) Now this shit is search optimized! Prepare to see TFOP in Google every time you look up “super hot blogger chick” or whatever. I don’t really know how the Internet works.

pps. We’re moving to Tumblr soon so I just want to prepare you all. Because if I’ve learned anything from my Newsfeed after Facebook changes the placement of one tiny feature, you guys really HATE change. We’ll be here by March. For now, it’s just a bunch of (mostly 30 Rock related) stuff I reblogged from my sister while learning how Tumblr works. Don’t judge me. It’ll look nice soon. Or like, eventually. GIVE ME A BREAK GEEZ. Feel free to keep watching me experiment and fail until the grand unveiling.

xx

*I am single.

For Your BFF- Custom Designed Body Pillow

“Objects are made by man, and used for many purposes. But we NEVER. LOVE. OBJECTS.”

So. Earlier, I was Google searching “Elliot Stabler Body Pillow” because that is what my sad sad life has come to at this point. The bad news is: no one makes one that I can just buy and have delivered and be sleeping with by the end of the week. The good news is: DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE LIKE 8 MILLION DIFFERENT LAW& ORDER:SVU FANFICTION STORIES ONLINE?! If the internet wasn’t made so that I could read terribly written stories about Benson and Stabler hooking up after particularly difficult sex crime cases, THEN I DON’T KNOW WHY IT WAS MADE. Thank you, internet gods!

The other good news is that I found a website that will let you custom design your own body pillow covers! Which means I have officially found Christmas presents for all of my friends! Roommate obviously gets Dragon Tattoo Rooney Mara. Sister gets Lee Pace holding a pie. Self gets double sided Chris Meloni/Dermot Mulroney because if your hair is not salt and peppered, then I cannot love you.

Possibilities are endless. You’re welcome.

For Your Boyfriend- Salt Shot Glasses

Because licking salt off of your hand is gross and hard.

Well. It’s 2013 now. I don’t know how your new years eve celebration went, but mine was not the crazy, dance filled sparkle-fest I’d imagined back in late 2012. Instead, I rang in the new year by drinking about a million bourbons and passing out at 11pm. I am that person now. I can’t decide if sleeping through the ball drop is a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand- I got a good 10 hours of sleep, only woke up with a minor headache, and didn’t have time to do anything TOO embarrassing in front of my manfriend’s friends (unless you count telling everyone I want to have a baby now. Which is exactly WRONG. Why would I do thatttttjkshdfjksdhfksdjhfsdkfjhsfkh). On the other hand- I missed a prime fun-having opportunity, have no recollection of my new year’s kiss, and was only awake long enough to eat about 3 bites of NYE snacks. I made a very sloppy but slightly impressive Brie en Croute that came out of the oven right as my face was going numb and my vision was steadily narrowing to a pinpoint. I missed my brie quota for the night by about a mile. What a waste.

BUT! That is behind me now! I am going to be a new person this year! I just bought a gym membership and registered for cooking classes because I AM A CLICHE BUT WHATEVER. Sorry I’m going to be a knife wielding, fillet sauteing, morning spin class going, abs of steal having Top Chef Barbie this year. Jan 2! So far so good! I have not yet cooked anything or exercised, but I’m putting today in the win column. Preparation is half the battle. Next up- buying fun cooking utensils and lululemon everything. THEN the cooking and working out will begin. This is my year!

Anyway- back to NYE. About 20 minutes before I crawled into the guest bed and bid a clumsy adieu to 2012, I remember my friend pulling out these cool salt shot glasses for the rest of the gang. I was well beyond shot-taking capability at this point, but I did get a lick in to try it out. These are made of Himalayan salt (so you know they’re fancy), and make it so you can skip the hand licking portion of your tequila pounding ritual. I like to think of them as a more sophisticated way to get tipsy. Maybe you’ll even stick a pinky up as the patron is going down. It’s the new you! You and your boyfriend are about to have the classiest year ever! Hooray!

ps- Don’t worry, you can rinse them with cold water and reuse.

For Your Catholic Boyfriend- Whiskey Advent Calendar

Way better than eggnog.

I suppose it is a little sexist to assume that only Catholic DUDES will appreciate this Whiskey Advent Calendar, especially since I am the whiskey drinker in my relationship (my bf is a Jewish tequila lover), but whatever. Forgo the inspirational saying or tiny, disgusting piece of chocolate for an Advent calendar that will actually bring some cheer to your holiday season. Just don’t forget to toast to Jesus’ birth with every taste!