For Yourself- The Bar 10der

You deserve a gift.

You’ve been working really hard. (Or not, but wishing you were). You’ve been paying all your bills. You’ve been exercising. You’ve been crying because your boyfriend of two years dumped you and basically told you he doesn’t even miss you so that’s fun. You cleaned the bathroom and it was gross. You tried to start an herb garden but there’s no sun at your apartment. You did 12 loads of laundry. Your life has been tough. You need a drink.

Sometimes, the person in your life who most needs a really good gift is YOU. And putting together a dream shopping cart at Nordstrom.com that you’ll never be able to afford is just not enough. Which is why I bought this for myself today. Because, sure I have many of these bar things in my kitchen, but I don’t have them all IN MY PURSE ALL THE TIME. And as a newly single, sad person, I’m drinking almost constantly. (Breakfast bourbons are an acceptable food group! It’s European or something!)

Take it from someone who’s drunk a lot of cork in parking lots (no judgement!), it’s always useful to have a corkscrew on your person. Plus, you just never know when you’re gonna need to muddle some mint in an emergency-mojito situation. Be the life of any party, buy yourself a Bar 10der. You deserve it.

(Also great as a birthday party favor, housewarming prezzie, or bridesmaid’s gift)

Ps- Look at my herb garden! But don’t be fooled, I bought the plants fully grown. We’ll see how they fare. For now, I feel like effing Ina Garten over here. Jeffery’s getting some fresh basil for dinner! And that’s all, because I don’t know how to cook.

For New Moms- Baby’s First Library

I dunno, guys. I just don’t know. If you were to track my emotional state over the last two weeks on some sort of science-y graph, you’d see a straight line right across the bottom. In the “doesn’t want to get out of bed, only consumes red wine and Nyquil” region of the chart.

This whole thing has been an interesting experience, but I think I finally turned a corner. I mean, NO I haven’t found a new job to occupy my time, and NO I still don’t feel like smiling or laughing or having a good time ever, and YES every time I think about how much my life has changed against my will in the last few days a cold chill pulses straight from my heart all the way into my fingertips.

BUT! I ate a burrito yesterday, and for the first time in two weeks… it actually had some flavor! And if I’m being really honest, all I probably need in the world is for burritos to taste good again. And a bourbon fountain in my living room. That comes next.

Plus, I started watching Scandal and OMG I FINALLY GET WHAT YOU ALL WERE TALKING ABOUT ON FACEBOOK ALL YEAR. I think I’m in love with Kerry Washington. She’s turned me. I’m a lesbian now. A lesbian who will woo and marry fictional character Olivia Pope. And even though she’ll be busy cleaning crime scenes before the police show up all the time, at least when we ARE together, it WON’T feel like she loves me against her better judgement, or that it’s me that’s holding us back because I’m a mess who hasn’t quite figured my life out, or that one wrong move will make her want to throw in the towel because it’s just easier than talking to me about it or being my partner through it. Olivia Pope will be grateful that I’m her’s everyday, and she will manipulate US Attorneys, or blackmail Senators, or do whatever she has to do to keep me in her life. Olivia Pope will love me without hesitation. I assume that’ll feel nice. It’s been a while since I was loved like that.

Also, if they find a way to mix two sets of lady-DNA to make one baby, we will have the most adorable black children and life will be wonderful.

Speaking of babies, my gorgeous cousin had a baby shower this weekend and I thought I’d take this time to brag about my awesome gift. Burp towels and pacifiers with mustaches on them are great and all, but if a baby is coming into my life (via my friends and family and not my uterus because it’s asleep), I think it is my DUTY to make sure that baby grows up to be a giant nerd like its Aunty K.

To that effect, my gift was a collection of books that little boys should read from birth (or like… when they can hold their heads up and their eyes start working) all the way through adolescence. For a little boy, I decided on Call of the Wild, some Hardy Boys books, Huckleberry Finn, James and the Giant Peach, and Oh! The Places You’ll Go. Plus some book with animals in it for babies because I didn’t want him to have to wait until he’s 13 to start using my present.  I did NOT get Catcher in the Rye because Holden Caulfield is a spoiled jerk and I don’t want my babies growing up like that. For girls, think Jane Eyre, Babysitters Club, Nancy Drew, Fifty Shades of Gray (?). Whatever.

If you’re feeling sentimental, you can write a little note in each book describing what age you think the kid should read it and how and why it affected your life. It’s never to young to start your first library. If I had been able to do it in utero, you better believe I would’ve had the entire Jane Austen collection way before they even cut the cord. If I ever have a daughter, I want her to learn from a young age that the only acceptable suitor is a hot, honorable Darcy-type who looks like Colin Firth. (Or Olivia Pope.) That is the one lesson I would like to pass on to America’s future women. And I’m doing it one baby shower at a time.

PS- I forgot to take a photo of the gift before I wrapped it and I was too lazy to unwrap it once I remembered. So whatever. I give you a picture of the wrapped present. Use your imagination.

For Your BFF- Break Up Mood Lifter (?)- Steel Magnolias

Turns out it took me exactly 9 days to run out of episodes of Chopped. I dipped my toe in the waters of TV normalcy today, but I am definitely NOT ready to watch prime time. Why is every show about tearfully declaring love for your soul mate? Fuck you,  Nashville and New Girl!

But it’s okay, guys. If Taylor Swift can get through this 12 times per album, I can probably figure it out. I hope. Maybe.

Anyway, since I can’t watch TV, cant listen to the radio, and can’t sit quietly and let my mind wade into its marsh of depressing thoughts, I’m struggling for something I can do to distract myself until enough days go by that I magically transform into the Beyonce of Weho and start walking around in leotards and high heels not giving a fuck. That’s what emotionally stable single people do, right? I dunno. It’s what the transvestites on my block do. They seem happy. They probably have loving boyfriends at home, though.

Whatever. While channel surfing tonight, I stumbled upon Steel Magnolias on CMT and was reminded that this is one of my favorite movies of all time. Literally top 5. What’s even better, it’s perfect for a break up pick-me-up. Sure, there’s a dumb wedding at the beginning (her colors are blush and bashful) and a ridiculously young and attractive Dylan McDermott. BUT, if you feel like wrapping yourself in the warm embrace of female friendships, laughing at 80s southern fashion, or just hating on all of male-kind, these are your gals.

Obviously, I’m obsessed with Ouiser, so I’ve compiled some of her better quotes to prove to you that this movie should be gifted to any lady you know going through a tough time.

“I have got to talk to M’Lynn about her husband. He is a boil on the butt of humanity.”

“You are a pig from hell.”

“I’m pleasant. Damn it! I saw Drum Eatenton this morning at the Piggly Wiggly, and I smiled at the son of a bitch ‘fore I couldn’t help myself.”

In conclusion, we should all be wearing more corsages in our daily lives. Also, the only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.

Plus, Dolly Parton is my best friend.

PS- Helpful hint- do NOT watch this on CMT because they put 12 minute commercial breaks after every 7 minutes of actual movie.

For Whatever- A cool clock or something. I don’t care.

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted so I figure I gotta get something up. I don’t really feel like doing much of anything. It’s been a tough week over here at Chez Keshvar, and all I really want to do is take my brain out of my head and operate on autopilot for the next six months when everyone says I’ll feel better. Unfortunately science is useless and has not progressed far enough to help me out here. So the other options are to sleep or watch TV. Shows involving anything romantic are unacceptable, so that only leaves Chopped and SVU. And I’ve seen most of the episodes before. Even BD Wong’s usual mood-lifting magic is lost on me.

So whatever, here’s a neat clock. Give it to your dad for father’s day. He can put it in his office or bathroom or wherever he spends his time. I dunno. They just secured a manufacturer so purchasing options should be available soon. If not in time for dad’s day, here’s a personalized cooler/chair that I saw on a Knot.com email I get for reasons of pure torture, I guess. Both work for your dad, so there you have it. I’m out for now. If BD Wong turns me around ever, I’ll post again soon.

 

 

For the Graduate- Universal Travel Adapter

So here’s a thing- can you develop agoraphobia? I mean I used to love going places, but now that I’m home a lot, most days the thought of leaving the apartment and being amongst the general public is daunting. I literally only get off of the couch when I’ve finally run out of Diet Dr. Pepper and have to replenish my supply. I can only handle leaving if I get out first thing to go to an appointment (and by “appointment” I mean a quick jaunt through the aisles of City Target so I can buy pretty spatulas I don’t need). But if I don’t leave by say 1pm, it ain’t happnin. There are just too many episodes of West Wing to watch and my bed is really comfortable. Once I’m in this mode, I won’t even walk out my door 12 feet to take out the trash if I hear someone else out there. I don’t want to interact with other humans. What I’m saying is…. do I have a disorder? Can it be cured with Diet Dr. Pepper? Because that’s all I’ve got.

For the people in your life who AREN’T addicted to sitting in a dark living room and staring at Pinterest all day, there’s the Module-R Universal Travel Adapter. It’s cute. Plus graduation time is upon us, and those smug recent grads have all the fucking time in the world to travel, so it’s extra relevant.

Ever since graduating college, I love to attend the graduations of other people. It feels good to know that a whole other class of young people is about enter the real world where dreams go to die. College students are so annoying! They’re lives are the best. They literally only have to focus on drinking alcoholic things and occasionally putting on their Outside Sweats to go to class. And no one judges them! I mean, YES, that is technically my funemployment life right now too. But I have responsibilities, man. Someone thought it was a good idea to let me open a credit card and now I have to say words like “credit score” and “cable bill” and “copay” all the time. For most college students, money is a magical thing that just appears in their bank accounts (via dad or student loan) and can be spent on ALL the Poptarts instead of paid to the city of West Hollywood in parking tickets and taxes. For me, it’s something I hoard so I have enough quarters to do laundry once every three months. College students just make their mom do it.

But before these coddled jerks deal with grown up problems like not being able to drink midday beers because you are expected to work (or in my case- because the bar man will secretly judge you for not being a productive member of society), let’s give them just a few more weeks of bliss. Let’s aid them in their ridiculous efforts to discover themselves by traveling to Bali or eating French cheese in Marseille. These tiny, colorful, and helpful adapters make a cheap and easy grad present. Let their parents pay for the actual trip.

For Everyone- Custom Bobblehead

Let’s talk about the pro’s and con’s of spending 4 to 5 hours a day at Starbucks. Because I used to think this was my dream life, but now that I’m living it, ummmmmmmm…… it’s not that awesome.

Pros:

Taking creepy stalker photos of all my celeb sightings- Beverly Leslie, Josh Gad, Kristin Chenoweth, Bachelor Jake, etc.

Sausage Cheddar Breakfast Sandos

ALL the Chai Tea Lattes

Overhearing ridiculous conversations

More Chai Lattes

Sausage Cheddar Breakdast sandos for the road

Cons:

There is a weird mentally ill homeless person sitting next to me who keeps pretending like he’s struggling to open a particularly fussy imaginary bag. It’s getting progressively harder for him (he’s getting tired?) and he’s coughing a lot near my sandwich.

Every hour I have to scan the room for someone who looks trustworthy enough to monitor my stuff while I run out to feed the meter. No one ever wants to be tasked with this. I have to sprint to the meter.

It’s too cold inside but too hot outside.

Oh? Ok. Yup. The homeless man is itsy-bitsy-spidering his hand dangerously near my thigh. Awesome.

I’ve put on at least 7 pounds of pure breakfast sando weight.

In conclusion- SOMEONE HIRE ME BECAUSE READING A BOOK AT STARBUCKS ALL DAY IS NOT WHAT I IMAGINED IT WOULD BE WHEN I TOILING AWAY AT MY DESK. Having nothing to do all day is HARD, guys. The only thing on my agenda today is going to the grocery store to buy toilet paper. And I’m EXCITED about it. Seriously.

But enough about my first world problems (this Starbucks has slow internet! my computer is running out of battery and I don’t feel like plugging it in!), let’s talk about a fun gift.

One word: bobblehead. I seriously cannot picture ANY situation where a custom bobblehead is NOT an appropriate gift. Birthday, Mother’s Day, wedding, housewarming, graduation, literally ANY occasion. Who wouldn’t love to get a bobblehead of themselves or a loved one? Maybe splurge and get them a whole set.

Plus, you get to control what the body of the bobblehead is doing! You can go realistic (your boyfriend playing basketball, your mom reading a book, me watching television), or ridiculous (your friend being Harry Potter, your brother riding a golden bull (?), me doing anything besides watching television). There are 31 pages of options!

Update- just realized that the Harry Potter one is really just “male graduate with books.” My bad….

Best description of a bobblehead ever goes to Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock: “When you move his head, his head moves!!!”