For Your Puppy-Loving Friend- Dog Shower Curtain

Well. This is the WORST. I got all excited to post about this dog shower curtain (because DUH), but right as I was about to hit “publish” I realized that it’s no longer for sale. NoooooOOOOoOOOO! I searched the entire interwebs looking for a dog bath curtain alternative, but alas, there is no other provider. Someone call the Shark Tank, because we gotta get this idea some more funding STAT. As we speak, millions of gods (typo, but I’m keeping it) are shaking their dirty body water all over the place and adorably destroying their owners’ bathrooms. We can end this madness. WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY.

And yet, solutions.com refuses to meet our pet bath needs. Instead, they try to ply us with other ridiculous products like the Super Kegel Exerciser, or the Hoopnotica Fitness Travel Hoop. (Really, though. What am I googling that is causing these kinds of ads to show up in my sidebar?)

Anyway, if someone can find the dog shower curtain somewhere else, I will pay you a million dollars. And by that, of course I mean way fewer dollars. Closer to zero dollars.

In the mean time, here are some other weird pet products you can buy your pet loving friends.

Personalized Pet Throw

Dog Dino Costume

Pet Vibrator. Awkward.

Dog Tattoos.

Pet Treat Launcher

Butt Covers. Thank God.

For Your Mom- The Corkcicle

This past summer, my parents moved out of our family home and into a tiny apartment on the beach. And even though I was slightly sad to say goodbye to the house I grew up in (and the pool I never swam in, but liked to have just in case the fancy struck me once every 2 years), I was pretty stoked to have a permanent spot near the ocean.

One day, on a typical afternoon beach outing, my mom walked to our spot on the beach with two opened bottles of wine that she hoped to share with the group. She quickly realized that the police were patrolling for illegal beach substances, of which wine was included. So, being a rational person, she decided to ditch the bottles.

But obviously she couldn’t ditch the WINE. Problem: The only non-incriminating container she had on her was ONE rectangular tupperwear. So my mom did what any sane wine-lover would do: she poured both bottles (two different types, brands, and years of wine) into the singular tupperwear bucket, called it a melange, and scooped it into our waiting glasses with a 3/4cup measure. (also something she happened to have in her beach bag…)

“There’s more wine in the bucket” is now my favorite sentence ever, and my family’s motto. And even though my mom’s gotten better an sneaking wine to the beach, for those other times that she decides to take her white wine to a non-illegal spot, she can use this cool gift to keep it cool.

Apparently it was one of Oprah’s favorite things last year. But I don’t watch Oprah because I have to work at 3pm on weekdays, so I didn’t find out about it until this week.

And thank God I did.

For New Parents- Non-Terrifying Newborn Photos

I’m not usually a big fan of newborn photos for a few reasons:

a. No matter how much people gush over the cuteness of brand new babies, we all really know that newborns look like weird, scared, unattractive birds for the first few months of life. Sorry. I said it. Babies are categorically UNcute until they are at least 3 months old. Photographing them naked inside a picnic basket at 2 weeks is weird. Their skin is sagging all over the place, their heads are way too big for their bodies, and MOST importantly- they aren’t doing anything interesting. They are sleeping. I’ve already seen your sleeping baby pictures on instagram (#killme #motherhoodanxiety). I don’t need to also see your kid napping in a baseball mitt while wearing a baby fedora.

b. ALSO- I once read a really creepy article about how they take those pictures. Since newborns can’t hold their heads up yet, they have to photoshop out their parents fingers holding the heads in place. The photographer said she likes them between 5 and 10 days old so she can “mold them into curly poses.” THAT IS WEIRD. If I’m gonna look at your weird bird child, I don’t want to see it “resting” it’s head on it’s own hand like some baby Lizzie McGuire. You’re not fooling me! I know how old your baby is. I know it can’t do that! Why don’t we just stick to pictures of it sleeping in it’s crib until it is physically capable of doing other things. You’ve got literally THE REST OF ITS LIFE to take photos of it sitting up. Let’s not force it now. Otherwise, I’m gonna have nightmares about your freakishly advanced spawn staring at me from it’s baby hammock.

c. And finally- pretty much only white parents do it, and we all know white babies are the least cute of all baby ethnicities…

ANYWAY- if your new-parent friends just cannot keep themselves from taking fancy photos of their new kid, consider de-creepifying their pics like this awesome mom. Grab some photos of the baby on a white background, find a friend who’s good at computer stuff, and art away! I am leaving these instructions vague because I literally have no idea how to do this, but trust that we all could find someone with enough technological know how to make it happen.

….. OK I admit it. This one’s pretty cute.