For Your Husband- Tailtux Golf Onesie

Ummmmmmm. So the other day I was google searching the term “adult male onesies” (don’t ask), and I came across this nifty little site- a Kickstarter campaign for the Tailtux- Original One Piece Lifestyle Suit. At first I thought the Tailtux was some sort of prehensile appendage removal procedure. But upon further investigation, I discovered it’s actually a golf shirt/underwear combo that allows men to play golf all day without their shirts coming un-tucked.

Of course! Leave it to men to come up with a way to avoid doing like the ONE bit of work their clothing requires. TUCKING IN YOUR SHIRT IS NOT THAT HARD. Women have been doing it for years (mostly in the 90s), all while ALSO keeping our body hair in check, manicuring our nails, making up our faces, accessorizing our outfits, struggling with our footwear, lugging around our purses, AND discretely pulling our thongs out of our ass cracks. Have we EVER complained? Well, sure. BUT have we go so far as to invent some sort of one piece shirt/underwear combo that absolves us of all dressing duties? NO (unless you’re an American Apparel model). Even on the rare occasion that a grown woman might wear a leotard (nope. should never happen), we still wear underwear underneath it because OF COURSE. You know why? Because we are ADULTS. When a shirt comes untucked, we just deal with that shit. We tuck it back into our underwear, yank the g-string out of our butts, and reapply our lip gloss like ADULT HUMANS.

But whatever. If the men in your life just cannot stand having their shirt come untucked one more time, considering gifting them with the Tailtux.

It’s got an great snap-in feature at the bottom that will allow your man to get in an out of it easily, and make you to feel like you are dating a large baby. It also comes in a bunch of cool designs and colors so that your guy can wear his Tailtuxes every day, and you can focus on keeping your eyes closed and fantasizing about Ryan Gosling while he shimmies out of his ADULT ONESIE before sex.

For Your BFF- Random Childhood Memorabilia

First of all, and most importantly- WHY DIDN’T MY PARENTS EVER BUY ME SPICE GIRLS BARBIE DOLLS?! All that time I could have been staging professional, full fledged Wannabe concerts in my room with ACTUAL Spice Girls Dolls, instead of drawing fake head sets onto my Power Ranger action figures and making making my little sister be Scary Spice when I couldn’t find the Black Ranger. (Wait. Is that racist?) She was terrible at it. And she always wanted to be Posh. If anyone was going to be Posh, it was OBVIOUSLY going to be the (gay) Blue Ranger. Or his stand-in, Polly Pocket.

Concert casting aside, I have a sneaking suspicion that I missed out on some of the best adolescent pop culture paraphernalia of my time because my dumb parents wanted me to grow up to be a well adjusted adult hated me. Plus, I didn’t really understand what money was and how it can be used to buy things until like, last year. That could be why I wracked up so much credit card debt in so little time.

Thankfully, there is still some room on my card, and PLENTY of random, inexplicable, ridiculous, and wonderful NSYNC/Spice Girls/Boy Meets World/Clarissa Explains It All/Power Rangers/Ninja Turtles/90210/etc stuff on Ebay to give to my friends. Just search and enjoy. Here are some I’ve found. Get ’em before they’re gone!

This poster of Devon Sawa in Teen Beat because OF COURSE.

Power rangers lunch box (and thermos!!!!). Super functional for your work lunches.

Way Cool (Alright alright)!

Not exactly vintage, but still a throw back. Blue Barracudas FOR EVER.

Duh.

And a bonus because V-Day is coming up and Lance will always be the love of my life (sorry I’m not sorry):

For Your Valentine- Indoor/Outdoor Fireplace

Sexy.

I will not say much about this except that I definitely did NOT order it for my manfriend, so if he reads this: he should NOT expect an awesome indoor/outdoor fireplace gift, and this post is NOT spoiling the surprise. We will not be having a romantic glass of wine on the porch wrapped in a snuggie near his new fireplace on Valentine’s day. We will not then move inside (with the fireplace) because it’s cold and we want to be watching Downton Abbey and sitting on the couch instead. And we will NOT make out in front of this new fireplace as if we are in some sort of Cary Grant winter classic.

Finally, it is NOT being delivered to the apartment in the next 2 weeks, so he should not assume that large boxes that show up are a fancy fireplace present for him. Thanks.

 

 

For Your Foodie Friend- Smorgasboard Board Game

Snacks not included.

I don’t know if you know this, but I am a foodie. I am like… super interested in the nuances of cuisine or whatever. My pallet is the most refined. Safran! Coq a vin! Other food words! See?

It absolutely does not matter that I put ketchup on everything, cook mostly microwavable meals, and order fish and chips from every restaurant, everywhere, every time. I watch Top Chef and own a food processor. Therefore, I am a foodie.

Occasionally I meet other foodies and we delight in discussing the merits of ragus and curries and cheeses. This is how the conversation usually goes:

Me: “CHEESE IS THE BEST.”

Other foodie: “Yes, this is from the Normandy region of France and is a strong, robust cheese. It pairs best with hearty dishes like—“

Me: “OMNOMNOM cheese. Oops it’s all gone.”

Very few food snobs are willing to put up with this, but I am lucky enough to have a found a few true food lovers who don’t mind my particular brand of foodie-ism. One of them is my best friend, Melissa. She cooks actual food at her home, is half french and therefore naturally good at food things, AND is going to Paris next month to take a two week cooking course at Le Cordon Bleu. This board game is what I’m getting her for her birthday.

It ships from Ireland so plan ahead. AND it looks hard. Even for an experienced foodie like me, this board game has some stumpers. Not ONE question is about hot cheetos or the McRib. Despite these minor deficiencies, it’s a great gift for anyone who loves food and wants to put their knowledge to the test.

For Your Boyfriend (If you’re super rich, you bitch)- A Food Vacation!

Is this heaven?

Groupon got me again! Out of the 12 emails they send me everyday, the only one I ever really look at is the Groupon Getaways page so that I can pretend I am a person with the time and money to actually leave Los Angeles for more than one night at my parents’ house. Today I noticed what must be the BEST FUCKING VACATION EVER- a Pasta Making Food Tour of Abruzzo, Italy that includes cheese making, wine tasting, pasta rolling, truffle hunting, AND salami factory touring. It’s like these people are INSIDE of all of my sexual dreams (yes, they all take place on the floor of a salami factory).

Obviously I clicked on the link. Turns out Groupon is offering a 40% discount, making the price somewhere around $2,000. Only $1800 over my yearly vacation budget! Anyway, some lustful clicking got me to the home website of the company offering the tour- epitourean.com.

If you’re thinking you wanna go BIG for your boyfriend’s birthday/anniversary/whatever this year, AND work in a little cheese making, consider planning a vacation for the two of you at Epitourean. I cannot speak for the validity of the site, but the comments look positive, and I didn’t find any scam warnings or disgruntled tour takers in my very thorough reseasch (one google search). All I know is that when I do make it big, I’m definitely booking one of these tours. The Greece trip looks particularly enticing. I will spend my ENTIRE vacation sampling olive oils and stuffing various food items into grape leaves. And at the end, I’ll have plenty of fodder for all of my future sex dreams.

For Your BFF- Jammy Pack

Last week, I RAN A 5K. Take that, haterz (manfriend)! I DO know how to exercise! “Run” might be a slight exaggeration of the speed my body was going, but still. Exercise is exercise. Even if you drink a bottle of red wine in the car before the race because it’s cold and you have an hour to kill. About the only pleasant thing about this 5k (besides my grape buzz) was the nifty contraption my friend Alix brought. The Jammy Pack!

This little guy plays music from your iphone/ipod with alarming gusto. I could even hear it over my heavily labored breathing, and near constant whining. If it weren’t for N*Sync’s “Just Got Paid” blaring from Alix’s crotchal region, I would have quit the race after about 4.5 seconds.

An excellent gift for anyone, especially as the spring approaches and your friends start actually wanting to go outside! Perfect for walks, festivals, picnics, etc. As long as they are into wearing a fanny pack. Which they should be.

For Your Sister- Send Over a Bottle Of Bubbly

When I was younger, I was pretty terrible to my little sister. Sure she’s always been able to beat me up, but in my preteen years I practiced a cruel and unusual form of psychological warfare that was way more damaging than the baby punches she’d throw. Usually it involved making her sit in a corner and watch my friends and I play house. We’d tell her she could join us, I’d even let her come into MY room! But then, just when her adorable little face was lighting up with excitement, we’d make her play our butler, or Scary Spice, or worst, our “neighbor”-which basically meant she had to sit quietly and watch how much fun we were having until we “came over to her house” (the closet) and let her speak. Often we’d forget she was trapped in there, and she’d sit patiently for hours waiting to be included. When I think about it now, I want to die. She was the CUTEST BABY EVER.  How did I do that to herrrr?!?!?

Anyway, don’t feel too bad for her. Now that we’re older, the tables have turned. I’m the one waiting in the metaphorical closet waiting for her to decide she wants to include me in her fun. As the older of two sisters, I always imagined growing up to be the wise, beer-buying, awesome grown-up my sister would look up to and admire. But it turns out she’s like one million times cooler than me. Now I’M the one calling three times a week trying to get her to come hang out. And even though she only lives 1.5 hours away, her multitude of friends keep her way too busy to ever visit me. (HOW DO I GET HER TO LIKE ME?!)

Anyway, next time a friend (or little sister you are trying to impress) has a birthday dinner/grad party/restaurant celebration of any kind- try this gift: call the restaurant a few hours before your friend is scheduled to arrive, ask them if you can purchase a bottle of champagne over the phone, and have it sent to the table once she gets there. That way, she’ll sit down with her friends and be super surprised when a celebratory bottle is brought over. Maybe she’ll even decide you are worthy enough to be one of her cool friends! A great way to be a part of celebration you can’t physically attend (because your little sister didn’t invite you).

For The Bride and Groom- Framed Family Recipes

My kids will obvs be getting my “Microwaveable Lean Cuisine” Recipe.

The other day I was chatting with one of my friends about how I’ve already written two thirds of the speech I will give at her wedding, despite the fact that she is not currently dating anyone seriously or even remotely close to setting a date. Anyway, that got us chatting about every 20-something’s favorite subject- our upcoming (but not) weddings. Even though I’m cool and definitely do NOT have a secret pinterest board with 40,000 dress photos and signature cocktail ideas, I have thought about the fateful day when I will become Mrs. Gosling.

More importantly- I’ve been thinking about what to get my friends when they tie the knot (besides amazing speeches about their terrible and hilarious dating pasts). I don’t remember where I came across this idea, but I love it: For your sister or a close friend- ask their mother, aunts, and/or grandmother (or dad, uncles, and grandpas, I suppose) for handwritten family recipes that you can frame to hang in the newlyweds’ kitchen. I like it best if the recipes are old and used because it feel authentic, but it’s not necessary. All that matters is that the recipes are hand written and will remind your loved one of home, tradition, and family. For my sister, that would definitely be my mom’s famous brown bread recipe, my dad’s one-pot leftovers soup, and maybe even my aunt’s seven layer jello. Unfortunately for my kids, they’ll be stuck with “Mom’s Dry Top Ramen Straight From the Packet,” “Two Buck Chuck in a Coffee Mug,” and occasionally, “Break and Bake Cookies.” Nestlé Toulouse, anyone?

For Your Boyfriend- Salt Shot Glasses

Because licking salt off of your hand is gross and hard.

Well. It’s 2013 now. I don’t know how your new years eve celebration went, but mine was not the crazy, dance filled sparkle-fest I’d imagined back in late 2012. Instead, I rang in the new year by drinking about a million bourbons and passing out at 11pm. I am that person now. I can’t decide if sleeping through the ball drop is a good thing or a bad thing. On the one hand- I got a good 10 hours of sleep, only woke up with a minor headache, and didn’t have time to do anything TOO embarrassing in front of my manfriend’s friends (unless you count telling everyone I want to have a baby now. Which is exactly WRONG. Why would I do thatttttjkshdfjksdhfksdjhfsdkfjhsfkh). On the other hand- I missed a prime fun-having opportunity, have no recollection of my new year’s kiss, and was only awake long enough to eat about 3 bites of NYE snacks. I made a very sloppy but slightly impressive Brie en Croute that came out of the oven right as my face was going numb and my vision was steadily narrowing to a pinpoint. I missed my brie quota for the night by about a mile. What a waste.

BUT! That is behind me now! I am going to be a new person this year! I just bought a gym membership and registered for cooking classes because I AM A CLICHE BUT WHATEVER. Sorry I’m going to be a knife wielding, fillet sauteing, morning spin class going, abs of steal having Top Chef Barbie this year. Jan 2! So far so good! I have not yet cooked anything or exercised, but I’m putting today in the win column. Preparation is half the battle. Next up- buying fun cooking utensils and lululemon everything. THEN the cooking and working out will begin. This is my year!

Anyway- back to NYE. About 20 minutes before I crawled into the guest bed and bid a clumsy adieu to 2012, I remember my friend pulling out these cool salt shot glasses for the rest of the gang. I was well beyond shot-taking capability at this point, but I did get a lick in to try it out. These are made of Himalayan salt (so you know they’re fancy), and make it so you can skip the hand licking portion of your tequila pounding ritual. I like to think of them as a more sophisticated way to get tipsy. Maybe you’ll even stick a pinky up as the patron is going down. It’s the new you! You and your boyfriend are about to have the classiest year ever! Hooray!

ps- Don’t worry, you can rinse them with cold water and reuse.