For Your Valentine- DIY Sex Art

[Warning specifically for my dad: graphic content. please stop reading. here’s an interesting TedTalk for you instead.]

STOP LOOKING FOR A VALENTINE’S DAY GIFT FOR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER RIGHT NOW. I just found the PERFECT thing. It’s done. You win at V-Day.

Ok, here goes: basically you are going to make a sex painting while getting it on. The “Love is Art” kit comes with a cotton canvas, not-toxic paint (thank god, because I guarantee you’re gonna get some up in your naughty bits), plus body wash (you know, in case you don’t have that).

You lay out the canvas, throw some paint down and then go at it until you’ve created a sexual masterpiece of abstract art. If you wanna get really artsy, you can get colored canvases and special metallic paints. Up to you. How much do you love your boyfriend?

Here are the reasons I love this:

1. I don’t have to buy fancy lingerie that costs a million dollars, and then awkwardly change into it after dinner and be like “let me slip into something more comfortable” and then go to the bathroom and strap on a bunch of straps. And then sprint from the bathroom to the bed because god help me if I ever let someone see me standing around in a circulation-strangling bustier and crotchless panties. Also, eff you guys because dudes are always just like, “oh, cool underwears I guess. Take them off.” so it’s not even worth it. SO. If we’re going to get all painty anyway, I get to just wear my 5-year-old Target brand cotton thongs. Score!

2. If we’re gonna make some art, he’s gotta last longer than like 6 seconds. No one wants to hang a canvas that is literally just a butt outline. Where’s the movement?!

3. Art’s expensive. I don’t know if you know this, but sometimes it costs like hundreds of dollars. Or like, thousands, I suppose. But that is so ridiculous I refuse to even think about it. The “art” on the walls of my apartment is just a bunch of pictures of me and my roommate hung in dollar store frames. Making your own sex art is the perfect way to spice up your decor without haggling with the guy at the fancy farmer’s market over his abstract pieces. (This might be a thing that only happens at LA farmer’s markets.)

4. I just like imagining the look on someone’s face when they lean in for a better view of the painting, and then right at that moment you whisper, “Steve really knows how to evoke emotion with his strokes.” And then wink and walk away.

My office just had a 15 minute discussion about the best techniques for actually doing this. Put the paint on yourself first? Put it directly on the canvas then roll around? Personally I like the idea of stamping parts of your body onto the canvas, but I’ll admit it’s probably not conducive to raucous sex-having. I imagine me yelling “let’s see what an outline of my knee looks like!!!!” might not put a man in the most sensual mood. Evs.

Get this. Do this. Let me know how it turns out.

Hint: Is it just me, or is a prefab kit totally unnecessary? Just go buy a sheet and some paint and you’ve got your own! Woo!

For A Housewarming- Homemade Chalk Board

 

What if I became a carpenter? Like the kind that only works in Southern California where the weather’s nice and that doesn’t care that much about money, but that gets to spend all day outside, be their own boss, wear cool goggles, and at the end of the day has something tangible to show for their time. That’s a thing, right? I think those people are on HGTV all the time.

Plus if I were a carpenter, I’d have to really concentrate on my circular saw or whatever so I wouldn’t have time to just sit and hurt and feel sorry for myself. I’d have a circular saw and goggles, dammit! I’d be in charge of making things! I’d carve my initials into benches and shelving units and stuff. And my neighbors would host dinner parties and their friends would be like “awesome porch swing, bro” and my neighbor would be all “yeah, my cool neighbor made that for me and I paid her in burritos.” I think I could like that life. But like, how do you become a carpenter? Does a poli sci degree qualify me to learn the nail gun? Is there a way to avoid doing any math?

UGH. I forgot about the math part until like RIGHT NOW. So neverminddddd. I’ll stick to being unemployed and reading a book a day and then drinking too much wine at night while writing sad email drafts. That seems more my speed. Sadly there’s less outside time and burrito payments, but on the bright side: more accidental napping and new word learning. We shall see.

Have you ever thought about building something as a gift? It sounds kind of daunting because the ceilings at Home Depot are really high and the dudes that work there always leer in a weird way when they ask me if I need any help in the wood section. But it’s kind of cool to put your time and effort into something that your friends will be forced to display because it’s too big to hide in a closet. Today my friend and I spent some time making a “framed” chalk board that we are going to hang in my living room. In my head, I thought it would be nice to display each night’s dinner menu on it, but then we realized that it would just end up saying “hummus, carrots, and peanut butter pretzels” EVERY night. So instead we’re drawing self portraits of ourselves eating hummus, carrots, and peanut butter pretzels.

Anyway, might make a fun housewarming gift for a friend who’s got some walls to fill. People’s art tastes can be a little unpredictable, but with a hand painted and framed chalk art square, they can turn their wall into whatever they want! Plus, it’s not that expensive. The whole thing cost about $35 and only took a few hours of painting and gluing during commercial breaks of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Fun all around!