For Dad (or New Parents or Reluctant Babysitters)- Railroad Map Shirt

So my cousin had a baby a few weeks ago, and my new goal is to learn how to hold it like cool people. You know how when moms or grown ups hold a baby, they feel comfortable enough to flop it around and change up their holding positions? They’re all BAM! Football hold. BAM! Burping hold. BAM! Dangling it by its onesie hold. Or whatever. But when I hold a baby, I am literally frozen in whatever position I was in when its mom handed it to me. I’m sweating and cramping up and staring down at it in horror without moving a single muscle until some aunt or friend-who-was-once-a-mom-of-babies comes over and takes it from me and starts swinging it around.

I think the time has come for me to fix this. So what better way than to start with one of my favorite cousins? Because even if I accidentally pinch her baby or almost drop it or something, I think she likes me enough to still give me second and third chances. That way I’ll be ready when more of my friends start handing me their kids. Plus, babies generally like me. I think it’s because I treat them like no-nonsense adults. They really respond to that. I’m all, “We’ve all spit up on ourselves after a nap, Baby Friend. No shame there.” And they shut right up. Or not. But usually I give them away pretty quick after liquid things start occurring, so I don’t know.

I really like kids though, I think? Anyway, I liked babysitting when I was a teenager because I got to eat different foods than the ones my parents had. So maybe I will want to be the cool babysitting friend to my parent-friends. If that happens, I’m gonna: 1. need to know how to hold babies, and 2. have some go-to distraction techniques for the older ones. The ones that can talk. Whatever age that is. 7? 8?

Here’s something you can give your parent-friends, or IF YOU ARE A PARENT, to a friend who you hope will babysit your child for you. It’s a shirt with a racetrack on the back of it. It distracts the children while simultaneously giving the wearer a baby massage. Just make sure that your babysitter isn’t one of those people who falls asleep as soon as they start getting massaged (like me) because that could spell disaster. Especially if they are at MY house. Because there’s a lot of unattended alcohol and Clorox. I heard those were bad for kids.

Via Etsy. There are a couple of different designs. Good for dads too.

For Your BFF- Just Because Sweet Treats (from Chocolate Twist)

Hey. How come no one EVER sends me flowers? Relationship or no relationship, I’m not sure I’ve EVER gotten flowers delivered to me at my home or workplace (which is way better than getting them in person. duh.) Is that just wrong? Like, what is the normal flower amount girls are supposed to receive in their lifetimes? Probably somewhere between 20 and 50 bouquets, right? Because of birthdays and anniversaries and whatnot? Or maybe even MORE if I become some sort of dancer or singer or profession where I’m bowing on stage a lot. My roommate gets flowers every other week from her parents or her girlfriend or her girlfriend’s parents. WHAT THE HECK, LOVED ONES? WHERE ARE MY FLOWERS.

Ok, but be strategic about it. If everyone sends me flowers next week and I end up watching Pretty Little Liars through a sea of roses I will be living a recurring dream (as long as Mr. Fitz is also there) know that you are just sending them because I demanded it and it will cheapen the experience.. but not totally ruin it so please feel free to send them anytime I need some flowers in my life and edible arrangements are also accepted as long as some of the fruit is chocolate covered because whowantsregularfruit?!?!

ANYWAYZ, speaking of mail gifts (as opposed to male gifs, which is also something I like sent to me), my friend got these sweet Chocolate Twist chocolates in the mail from her boss. (HER BOSS. COME ONNNNN.) She suggested I put them on the blog, and I obviously agreed in exchange for being able to eat one of the chocolates. Because I am a cheap ho for chocolate, and I accept blog bribes. I AM OPEN FOR BUSINESS. If you send me snacks, I will blog about them and I will say all the good things. And if you send flowers, then I will also marry you.

So please consider sending these chocolates to the people you love. There are cool flavored marshmallows and caramels and other delicious things. (I want the Parmesan truffles! cheese chocolate!) And they ship all over the US. Don’t leave your sad, flower-less friends out in the cold. I think sending treats and flowers is best done out-of-the-blue because they really are the loveliest of lovely things to receive when you least expect it. Which is why I will continue to not expect anything over the next week or so. 😉 😉 😉 all the winks.

For a Housewarming- Junk Drawer

He’s HERE!!! HE’S HERE! THE ROYAL BABY IS HERE! Or something. I dunno. That’s what the news is saying. I just saw a picture, and I’m sorry but Kate Middleton’s hair right now is UNACCEPTABLE. It’s too nice! My hair doesn’t even look that good when my hair stylist does it on special occasions (i.e. when I save enough money to go to a hair stylist). This lady gave birth 24 hours ago and THAT’S how she gets to look? What the heck!? Where’s the greasy top bun that the rest of us would be sporting?

Dear Future Husband, please go look at a picture of Kate Middleton right now. Then please understand that I will look OPPOSITE of that the day after having your baby. And probably for the next 18 years after that. Love, your human wife.

The days of my greasy top buns are over for now because now I (kind of) have a job, and I’m assuming my coworkers will expect me to wash my hair on the reg. So demanding! But at least now I’m clean and semi-busy all the time!

Anyway, right now I’m savoring my last days of freedom and sitting (literally) in a long line for a movie screening because the tickets are free. Figure I should bang out a quick post because I’m bored of eaves dropping on the conversations of other people anyway. Be impressed with my HTML skillz, though. Because the phone app doesn’t have a button for fancy formatting like italics . I’m doing this OLD SCHOOL, bitches.

So! Junk drawer as a housewarming or wedding gift. Because a vase is boring and no one actually likes to buy lightbulbs and note pads even though they need them. Get a tub and help your friends out by doing it for them. Full it with a lint roller, scissors, a screw driver, laundry quarters, light bulbs, bobby pins, etc. Also, batteries. People ALWAYS need batteries. I’m fact, I need batteries right now! There are some electric candles that I still haven’t been able to turn on in order to seduce gentlemen callers. It’s the worst!

Ok the line is moving. And I need popcorn.

More later.

For Prince Harry- Self-designed Cookies

Hello, my babies. How are you? What did you do this weekend? If the answer is not “learned all the dance moves in the Bubble Butt video,” you really need to get on my level. Or maybe you went on a mediocre date and accidentally called the dude a slut as a (pretty solid) joke, but he didn’t get ANY of your jokes so you just came home and ate all the pizza in the fridge. Or maybe you sat by the TV waiting for the royal baby to be born and planning a really great present for New Uncle Prince Harry so that he will marry you and make you some adorable ginger children…

My original idea was to send some glamor shots of me holding a British flag and all of my old Spice Girls barbies so he’d know how much I like the UK. There’s also a pretty attractive picture of me eating clotted cream with a spoon in a Soho pub that I could include. Is there a man on Earth that can resist a woman who can take down a whole tub of cream and 12 Snakebites in one sitting? (Apparently yes, because I’m single. Womp. But not for long! Mwahahahahaha! Prince Harry!)

Luckily that baby is taking it’s sweet time to get here, giving me a few extra days to perfect my uncle-winning gift. I got it! British people LOVE cookies. I mean, sure they call them “digestives” or “biscuits”, both of which sound decidedly less delicious than “fresh baked cookies.” But nomenclature aside,  they have whole meal times devoted to them! Or like, to tea. But we all know that the point of drinking tea is to wash down crumpets or whatever. So what better way to show my love than to make (and eat) some cookies for the younger prince? Thingiverse lets you design your OWN cookie cutters so that your gift will be delicious AND original. I’m thinking mine will be fish ‘n chip and/or David Beckham shaped.

Oh, but one last thing: you need a 3D printer so hurry up and join the future!

For the Bride and Groom- Personalized Salt ‘n Pepper Shakers

Wellllllllllllp. All I want in the world right now is an Egg McMuffin and all the aspirin. There are just so many steps between eating that McMuffin and me. Like…. pants, car, talking to the lady in the drive through, home. I just can’t. So I’m going to sit here until someone brings me one. Now it’s on you! Don’t let me starve!

There are, however, a few things I CAN do without lifting my head from my pillow. Spilling water on myself when trying to drink from a glass, for example. Or staring at the wall. Also, Esty-ing. I developed a pain-free method where I keep my head on the bed and inch my arm out so that I can scroll and click with minimal body movement. It’s working!

Speaking of Etsy. A friend of mine is having a birthday party next week, and because he’s a (lovable) weirdo, he’s asked that the only gifts people get him are novelty salt ‘n pepper shakes. WHICH I LOVE. Because, in case you were wondering how much time I can spend scouring the internet for salt and pepper shakers, the answer is FOREVER. FOREVER TIME.

I still haven’t found the right ones for him, but did come across this lady. She will paint you some personalized romantic shakers for your lucky wedded friends, your mom and dad on their anniversary, or whoever! And they are so cute! Suh. Cyuh. Way better than the flatware on their registry. Forks have got to be the LEAST exciting things to get as a gift. These are guaranteed to surprise and delight. I’m gonna have some made for me. Romantic shakers with my face on the salt and an Egg McMuffin on the pepper. True love!

For Whatever- Pop Up Hammock

Whoa whoa whoa. Which ONE of you is responsible for the 67 hits I got in ONE HOUR like six hours ago? I think I love you.

I had too much wine tonight so I don’t know. All the wine. WINEEEEE.

If I go to sleep, do you think I could wake up in September 2012? Because that is all I want in the world. What if I went to sleep in this magic hammock? I think it could work. It would solve everything wrong with me. I’m gonna try it.

Ok, good meeting.

Catch  you on the flip side.

K

For Your BFF- Surprise Party Balloon Birthday Messages

Yeesh! You guys, what day is it? Like, seriously. Fourth of July is so hard! I hope everyone’s holiday was as fun as mine! But I also hope yours had maybe slightly less alcohol/cheese/alcohol/pizza/alcohol and maybe more relaxing/sleeping. Even so, I still win because I went on a boat! Boom.

And now it’s Saturday night and I just cannot wear a bra for ONE MORE SECOND. So I’m laying all over the couch, watching new-ish episodes of SVU, and missing Elliot Stabler so much (JUST STABLER. NO ONE ELSE. THIS IS NOT A METAPHOR FOR MY LIFE).

At some point I will get a full night’s sleep, wash my hair, and summon the strength to walk two feet outside and water my poor herbs. But not tonight! That is just not within my power. Shall we talk about a gift, instead? Here’s a random idea: balloon messages for a surprise party.

Wednesday was my BFF/roommate’s 25th birthday, and we threw her a semi-surprise party at my apartment. My friend and I spent the better part of the evening before the party making a wall of streamers and filling the floor with balloons as decoration. (Correction: I spent the better part of the evening decorating. My friend spent the whole time sending giggling snapchat videos of herself to our friends.) Once everyone arrived for the party, they started fiddling with our layer of balloons and eventually writing sweet/funny/rude messages for the birthday girl on them. As each new guest arrived, we handed them a sharpie and let them go crazy. When my roommate finally got home, she loved getting to read the drunkenly scrawled balloon-cards. Even if most of them were taunting her for being a year closer to 30 (and therefore, death. Obviously.)

So there you go. Once my hair is clean and my plants are fed, I will come up with some better stuff. But right now, there’s a burrito that needs my attention. And oooo, yay! An episode with Stabler just came on! OMG AND THAT’S PETE FROM 30 ROCK. Best episode ever.

Hashtag date night.

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PS- Special party throwing tip: do NOT leave your apartment full of balloons for four days in the summer heat while you go on a mini vacation, or else your home WILL smell like condoms when you finally return…

For Your Friend- Personalized Illustrated Stationery

IMPORTANT NEW BLOG I’M CREATING- I will call it: Terrible Screenplay Ideas I Overheard At The Coffee Shop. I think I want it to be a series of movie posters based on those ideas. Probably done in chalk. I feel like that’s my medium. Also I just bought a bunch of chalk for the chalkboard I made so it’s all I’ve got. I will painstakingly illustrate a poster based on each of the terrible plot twists, character names, and screenplay titles I come across while spying on the “writers” at my local cafes. Oh, and by “painstakingly illustrate” I obviously mean “halfheartedly draw, quickly and while drunk.”

Upcoming posts include:

– “It’s like a classic princess story. Girl needs guy. Guy saves girl. They fall in love. Except only one of them is animated.”

-“I think we’ve really got something here! Should the Dictator also have a limp?”

-“I just needs to come across as really existentialist. Like, these things are happening in real life. But they have to feel very meta, you know?’

You see, LA is the land of the Coffee Shop Office. And while I only go to cafes in order to get out of my apartment for a few hours and read my book near some maybe-straight cute dudes, like 85% of the other people in LA are unemployed writers who go to the coffee shop to read Deadline.com on the free wifi and have “meetings” with their other “writer” friends. All while “working on their screenplays.” I don’t mean to make fun of these people (too much). I mean movies are obviously getting made. And some of those movies are pretty good. And good movies have to be written somewhere. And that place MIGHT be Alfred’s Coffee on Melrose Place. But let’s be honest, they can’t all be winners. And I just don’t think Dictator With Limp is going to win an Oscar any time soon.

If YOUR FRIENDS are tryna make it big with their works of art, they’re gonna need a way to stand out. That way, if Ron Howard stops by their Starbucks to pick up a latte, they’ll be ready. Rifle Paper Co does hand designed, personalized business cards and stationery with your (or your friend’s) likeness on them. Sure to get noticed! Even if it’s only by me because I’m at a boring spot in my book so I’m reading your draft over your shoulder.

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New site should be up and running soon! Unless I get too lazy. But I hereby declare that this is my idea so you guys can’t steal it! I will sue you! A lot of my friends graduated from law school this year, guys. And someday they might even pass the bar and maybe get a job. And then IT’S ON, JERKS. In the mean time, if you’re bored and looking for something to read on the internet, consider checking out my terrible high school Xanga page while I die of embarrassment. So many quizzes on there! 16-year-old me was pretty bad at predicting the future….