For Your Friends- Sound Wave Friendship Bracelets

Hey, guys. Sorry it’s been so long between posts but to be honest, I’m pretty mad at you. I feel like I made it VERY clear that I was to be sent multitudes of edible arrangements during these past few weeks. And yet, not a single delicious package was delivered to my door. How you will make it up to me? (Besides sending one or twelve apology boxes of chocolate covered fruit).

The ONLY reason I’m breaking the vow I made to give all of you the silent treatment until I’m fully stuffed with dessert fruit is that I just went to a private “fall preview” tasting at Coffee Bean headquarters (hashtag job perk), and now I’m wired on pumpkin flavored caffeine drinks. This energy has to be diverted somewhere, and even though it should probably be put towards washing my car (or, you know, working), it’s hot outside so I’ve decided to post instead. But just know that I’m still mad, and we are still in a fight.

ANYWAY. I suppose even though you all hate ME, you DO have loved ones who you like to gift things to. And maybe you’d like that gift to be a wearable sound wave based on a recording of you saying something nice (or dirrrty, depending on who you’re buying for. Amiright?) Well, you are in luck! The Sound Advice Project lets you do just that for only $18! Send an ‘I love you’ to your mom or a ‘Bitch, stop stealing my jewelry’ to your roommate, or a ‘Thanks for agreeing to be my slave’ to your bridesmaids, or a ‘***** *** ******* ******’ to your boyfriend (<— Redacted because my dad reads this blog). Whatever you choose, it’s sure to please and/or make your friends uncomfortable. Love it!

ps- Insider knowledge! Today I learned that Coffee Bean has a secret menu, and starting September 3rd you can order a pumpkin chai latte and IT IS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD. YOU’RE WELCOME. It would be delicious with some chocolate covered strawberries. Just sayin’.

For Your BFF- ANYTHING LIZ LEMON JUST BUY IT SHE’S THE BEST

Ok. I’m just going to say it. The girls that live above me are DEFINITELY medium-to-high priced call girls. Shall we compare my Sunday to theirs in order to make our case? (#RoyalWe)

Me: Wore sweats ALL day, hair in top bun by 3pm. No shoes since yesterday.

Them: Got home at noon in small outfits and large shoes. Left house at 4pm in different small outfits and even larger shoes. Hair curled. Cool studded purses toted.

Me: Moved my filthy college-gift-from-my-parents car to the other side of the street to avoid street cleaning fines. Did not wear bra.

Them: Parked 5series Mercedes in driveway spot at our shitty apartment building. Car looks mysteriously like probable gift from wealthy gentleman “friend.”

Me: Ordered Italian food at 5pm because walking to the corner store sounded hard and Girl Code was on TV.

Them: Visited by well-dressed man in the afternoon with a Whole Foods bag. He was wearing a giant watch. (???) I could see it from my couch.

Me: Read an old book then watched The West Wing in bed. Finished the wine.

Them: Just got home right now (midnight) ON A SCHOOL NIGHT. Giggled profusely. Sounded like they probably had more cash on hand than when they left. Clomped up the stairs in large shoes. Vacuumed (??)

As you can tell by my ability to catalog the comings and goings of my neighbors for an entire day, I had a super busy Sunday. But lucky for you, while the upstairs Ladies of the Night (and Scantily Clad Day) were out doing….. whomever whatever, I was reading the entire internet AS PER YOOJ….

Sorry for suggesting you buy so much art, but not that sorry because art is cool. And these sweet lady-character prints from Heymonster are awesome. Plus, you can get them on a T-shirt, thus effectively transforming you INTO the lady you are wearing. Finally, I can reach my full potential by becoming my favorite fictional curmudgeonly variety comedy show producer. (Hashtag Liz Lemon is my forever hero.) It’s better than becoming a West Hollywood call girl, right? (Maybe not. They get Whole Foods deliveries and fancy cars.) Also available: Leslie Knope, Dana Scully, Buffy Summers, etc. Options I hope will be available someday: Veronica Mars, Olivia Benson, CJ Cregg??

ps- my top bun looks awesome right now but no one will ever see it and that is just so typical of my entire life.

For Your Mom- Tabletop Salad Sprayers

I have some very very very sad news to report. Brace yourselves…

… All of the plants in my herb garden died.

Our relationship was short and tumultuous. But much like every relationship I’ve ever been in, I loved them just a little more than they loved me. And despite my dedicated (er.. um… semi-dedicated?) watering and plant fooding, they left me. On the bright side, I got one home-grown jalapeno outta the deal. And a bunch of basil that I gave away to my mom before I knew my herb-boyfriends were facing their eminent demise. Our parting ceremony consisted of me cursing while I threw them in the dumpster. If only real break ups went that way.

Anyway, now I’m thinking I’ll just plant some fake flowery plants to hang instead. That way I don’t have to think about them, but if I catch a glimpse- hey, at least they look nice. Also fake plants don’t need real sunlight, which is hard to come by in my apartment.

I suppose this means my Ina Garten dreams are dashed. I’ll never be the Barefoot Contessa and make bruschetta for my gay friends and sometimes Jeffrey when he comes home to the Hamptons from his important Washington job. But then I also won’t have to throw a million goddamn dinner parties where people expect me to share the wine.

It’s fine, though, because I found these cool (and cheap!) tabletop salad sprayers that let you infuse oils in a handy contraption that will also spray them on your salads (or if you’re me, your bread/pizza/french fries). Plus, even if I wanted to make rosemary or basil oil, it wouldn’t fit enough in there to warrant a whole patio-garden. I’ll just keep buying my herbs in small bunches from Trader Joes like normal humans. (Except they only sell basil in a package big enough to feed a small country and then I throw like 4 pounds of basil away because no one can eat that much basil.)

Give these pretty sprayers to your mom or something. Good for a hostess or housewarming gift too.

Feel free to send me condolence flowers for my garden or condolence chocolates for my stomach.