For Your Friend (or Boyfriend. UGH Stop With The Valentines Day Already)- Autographer Wearable Camera

Oh hey.

Yeah yeah yeah it was Christmas and I didn’t post ANYTHING. But come on, you guys! I was busy single-handedly saving the world from winter weight gain by eating all of the Christmas cookies in a 50 mile radius. (You’re welcome, BTW.)

Now it’s somehow the MIDDLE of January (?!?!?!) and I know you’ve been wondering about my whereabouts AS PER YOOJ because all you care about is my life and whats going on with me and when I’m gonna post again.

Anyway. How about a gift idea, friend? Sure the holidays are over, but poor unlucky souls with January birthdays still need some love. Also it’s almost MLK day, so that’s a thing. And if you’re the WORST and already planning a V-Day present for  your boyfriend, I guess I can come up with some not-stupid stuff for you. Let’s get started, shall we?

The Autographer Wearable Camera is THE SHIT. It’s $400 but you’ve got Christmas money, right? This thing’s got enough memory to shoot for 12 hours non-stop and take a bunch of pictures. The lady they’ve got modeling it is a little terrifying, but besides that it seems great all around. It’s like a sleeker Go Pro. What dude would not like this? Like seriously. If your boyfriend doesn’t love this then I know NOTHING about men. *

Alternatively, there’s this cool scale that links to your smartphone and measures everything from body weight (duh) to body fat, resting heart rate, and indoor air quality (?). Is it mean to get someone a scale? I’d like it. #coachelladiet

So, uh. There. Sorry they’re expensive. Now that I’m super flush with Christmas cash I just feel like we can all afford to ball a little.

Will post again soon! (Maybe.)

ps. Guess what! I just learned what SEO is. (Hint: It’s NOT a South Korean electronics store like I thought.) Now this shit is search optimized! Prepare to see TFOP in Google every time you look up “super hot blogger chick” or whatever. I don’t really know how the Internet works.

pps. We’re moving to Tumblr soon so I just want to prepare you all. Because if I’ve learned anything from my Newsfeed after Facebook changes the placement of one tiny feature, you guys really HATE change. We’ll be here by March. For now, it’s just a bunch of (mostly 30 Rock related) stuff I reblogged from my sister while learning how Tumblr works. Don’t judge me. It’ll look nice soon. Or like, eventually. GIVE ME A BREAK GEEZ. Feel free to keep watching me experiment and fail until the grand unveiling.

xx

*I am single.

For Your Yuppie White Friends- A Buncha Stuff

Hello pretties! Well, since K has decided that the holidays are a perfect time to take a hiatus from her BLOG ABOUT GIFTS (seriously, K?), I decided to fill a bit of this gap with a general post about gift ideas for the holidays. After the many years I spent in Berkeley, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and New York, I have become a fucking expert on what yuppie white people like. And despite their tendancy to drive you crazy, you may have some YWPs in your life that you need to buy gifts for.

So, without further ado, here is my Gifts Yuppie White People Will Like holiday list! Please buy any and all of the things on this list for the YWPs you love, and I promise they will be as happy as they are on free yoga day at Lulu Lemon. Happy hunting!

A collection of yankee candles
A juice cleanse
Anything DIY (preferably something that costs more than what its replicating)
Green tea that has no english on the package (it’s more healthy that way)
A North Face fleece
Anything pumpkin flavored
Something made out of distressed wood
A single-gear bike
Rock climbing passes
A cookbook by a famous chef (complete with recipes that they will never try)
Clothing for dogs
Beer that comes from a microbrewery
Things with moustaches drawn on them
Cultural appropriation
Flannel
Lastly, a gift that comes in a mason jar (literally anything)

Hope this was helpful. Although cultural appropriation may be hard to put in a box (or maybe not so hard), honestly, I know lots of people who would be fucking amped to recieve some of the gifts on there (rock climbing passes – for real, it’s this year’s Zumba).

Happy Holidays!

xo
Katie

For Your Nieces and Nephews- Customized Coloring Books

Honestly, I keep trying to post something and then I just keep accidentally napping. Even right now. I just opened the page and then fell the tiniest bit asleep at my desk. Which is ridiculous! Because I have had 18 million cups of tea and a Super Jittery Hipster Juice from the smoothie shop down the street today. Maybe I have an illness. Can you catch mono from watching other people make out on Scandal?

But I shall push through! This gift comes courtesy of my mom, who is the most avid Pinterest user the world has ever seen. Which is great because she created a board called “Things For Other People” where she posts ideas for me so that I don’t have to look anything up. She’s basically my research assistant. But it’s also not great because she has another board called “Things for Hannah” where she posts stuff she wants to buy for my litter sister. I found this to be incredibly rude because

1) buy ME things, mom! and,

2) I was forced to go on her Pinterest, create a board for myself, and start pinning to it for her. Boom.

Anyway, while watching Colbert/repinning recipes last week, she found this awesome gift idea and I am 100% stealing it. #sorrynotsorry

Stumped about what to get for the weird kids in your life? You could get them whatever lego monstrosity Toy R Us has on special or some sort of giant-headed, tiny-bodied doll that will cause everyone to have body dysmorphia (but whatever let’s wear makeup and be pop star princesses!), OR you could get them something way more awesome. And less creepy.

This website turns your photos into coloring book pages! Sweet, right? (OK, but still kind of creepy.) You can basically send in a photo of whatever you want (family members, cute animals, Veronica Mars, Colin Firth, a rendering of you being best friends with Veronica Mars while making out with Colin Firth), and they’ll send back a black-and-white, color-in-able page!

I suggest having a bunch made and then putting them together in a book so the kids can do a few at a time whenever their parents are tired of being around them. Some ideas for photos that will go over really well:

– One Direction, probably? I dunno.

End of list. Figure it out. Kids like action heroes and cuddly kittens. Done.

(Apparently I’ve hit the big time and WordPress is now putting huge video ads in my posts. Am I supposed to get paid for that? Because I’m not.)

DUDES’ CORNER! Star Wars Cufflinks

Duh da da daaaaaa! It’s time, once again, for everyone’s favorite segment: the PERFECTLY NAMED Dudes’ Corner! Katie finally got her shiz together and wrote a post about what to get the gross men in your life! Which is good, because I have been far too busy looking up Shane West gifs and grating cheese straight into my mouth.

Once again, Katie proves she is the giantest of giant nerds by bringing us another Star Wars prezzie. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, since we DID spend like 45 minutes talking about the proper usage of semi-colons last time I saw her; Anyway; enjoy the post. I have to go buy underwear because I’m too lazy to do laundry. ;

;;;

MERRY CHRISTMAS KIDS!  Or happy holidays, I guess.  We can be PC here.  But really it’s also November and I’d like Starbucks to chill out with the holiday cups this early in the game, ifyadontmind.

Guys.  I have to say, this whole “thinking of widely applicable gift ideas” thing is kind of hard.  I managed to have one in the chamber and ready to go for my first post, but then the days dragged on and my mind was all “go shopping and buy yourself clothes because gifts for you are more important than things for other people** and you have plenty of time,” but then K was all “dude write me another guest post” and everything got awful.

Just kiddingggg it’s present time!  With the holidays rapidly (ish) approaching, the pressure is on to avoid gifting Brookstone LED-light keychains to everyone in your family.

As someone who works in corporate Ughmerica, I can attest to the fact that getting creative with your wardrobe can be a little difficult – the “appropriate cleavage” line is harder to navigate than LA at 3:30 on a weekday.  Luckily for men, they (1) don’t have to worry about their sweater puppies and (2) can usually get away with a little fun in the cufflinks department.  These Star Wars cufflinks are the perfect gift for a fellow nerd and most of them are nice/subtle enough to not look tacky!  I just gifted a pair of the star destroyers last week and they went over very well.

And in other news I passed the bar which I guess makes me a real adult/lawyer person or something.  So all of YOU should be sending ME gifts (maybe a giant lego deathstar for my office? kaythanks!).

General holiday gift advice:  I only have one big no-no dude gift for this year and that’s whiskey stones.  I feel like every dude in the world got whiskey stones last year for Christmas (spoiler: they got them from me – sometimes I need something easy okay?).  What they don’t tell you about whiskey stones is that they look super gross when they get wet and just don’t keep your booze cold enough.  They just can’t.  They’re not ice.  I’M SORRY.

Good luck out there, my sparkling baby reindeers!

Katie

**THAT’S THE NAME OF THE BLOG!  DID YOU CATCH THAT?   It’s like in movies when Jack Nicholson is all “What if this is as good as it gets?” and the entire audience cringes.

For Your Boyfriend (But Really for You)- Odor Suppressing Underwear

This whole post is just an excuse to search for, stare at, and present to you this photo. You’re welcome.

As every brilliant professional blogger knows, the best thing to do right after having your busiest day of web traffic ever is to not post anything for 10 days because you are too lazy.

Apparently even that could not deter you all from stopping by to read weeks-old posts about shelving units. This must be what it feels like to be Regina George! I was bragging all about it to my sister just now and she goes, “you know your traffic’s just going up because it’s Christmas and everyone is googling ‘gifts,’ right?”

UGH RUDE. Fine. So you want holiday gift ideas? I can do that. I mean, it IS November 3rd so like maybe you should all just slow your roll (rolls?) and enjoy November for a while. No?

OK. Then how about some fart suppressing underwear? Merry Christmas!

I just had to got to write about these at my day job, and let me tell you- you can spend HOURS trying to come up with delicate, lady-friendly ways to say fart. But eventually you just give up because YOU HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE.

Anyway, these things’ll supposedly keep all your gross flatulence/gas/downstairs-burps/upside-down-butt-whispers/i-dont-know-lets-just-say-fart-again inside the SUPER “ZORFLEX” AMAZE-A-TRON CLOTH (because we officially live in the future and I am Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century).

Now you will no longer bother the people around you with your disgusting self! Ta da!

(side note: growing up, my sister used to call farting “fuffering” and that is now the only way my entire family will refer to it. I also once caught her standing behind the Christmas tree counting her “farty babies” as she fuffered back there for like an hour. #princesses #blessed)

Let’s choose not to think about what happens when you take them off to wash them because I am trying to eat breakfast and I just cannot.

Do us all a favor, and give these to everyone you know. You’re welcome.

For Your Brother- Batman Book Shelves

So there you are. Innocently sniffing a box of your stuff that your ex dropped at your house and MAYBE quietly crying into your wine, when the doorbell rings.

Usually when the bell rings, you hold you breath and pretend not to be home until whoever it is leaves. But tonight, you are expecting your friend because you both have new jobs and like to use that as an excuse to “celebrate” all the time.

It strikes you as strange that your friend would ring the doorbell, since usually she barely even announces herself as she walks in and pours herself a glass o’red. But you go with it. Maybe she’s feeling shy.

You open the door…. and immediately regret it. Standing in front of you is a young lady. She is trying to get you to sign something about stopping fracking, which fine because fracking is bad for the environment and I already heard that from NPR.

BUT THEN. When she gets to the part about asking you for money, she looks from your mascara-smeared eyes, to your plastic cup full of wine, to your covered-in-magazines apartment and says, “I can tell you’re in college. Or JUST got out of college. Or don’t have a lot of money, but any little bit helps.”

FIRST OF ALL: RUDE. Yeah, maybe my house still has decorations up from my roommate’s birthday in July. And maybe there are empty pizza boxes on the coffee table. And yeah maybe everything has a thin layer of dust because I keep forgetting to buy Clorox wipes and how am I supposed to clean without them? BUT DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK THAT MAYBE ITS BECAUSE IM LEANING IN AND HAVE A LOT OF CAREER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT AND AM A BUSY LADY?!

SECOND OF ALL: Brunch is expensive and I’d rather spend my money on delicious eggs and bacon than… basically anything else.

THIRD OF ALL: Correct.

Anyway, she felt bad for me and left without any of my money. Ha! I win! And I gave them a fake email address so there.

But maybe it IS time to upgrade some things in my apartment. Besides just throwing away all of the wine bottles and old newspapers that are collecting in the recycling corner.

Fancy book shelves are probably the way to start. After a little googling, I found this. Think it would help? Whatever because I’m buying it. (or something like it because this one is sold out and that is typical of my life and ugh). There are a couple different designs floating around. They are awesome! You’re welcome.

❤

 

 

For Your Dad- the iKettle

Fun fact about excessive drinking on Tuesday: it leads to inescapable desk napping on Wednesday.

Feel thankful that you do not follow me on Twitter, because the barrage of angry, ranting tweets I lobbed at my poor poor friends last night was not cool (and has since been mostly deleted). [Side note: I basically just discovered Twitter a few months ago because I am living in 2009. And oh my god guys, it’s kinda neat.]

AND because I was super busy tweeting, watching Catfish, and stumbling around my apartment, I didn’t get ANY work done last night and now have approximately one kajillion things to do. So, obviously, I’m writing blog posts instead because LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

Do you guys ever google encouraging phrases just to see what the internet will come up with to motivate you? No? Just me? Well. If you were smart, you’d try searching “OMG WAKE UP, SELF. AND DO WORK.” Because once you got past all the grumpy cat memes, you would have discovered this amazing kettle that will boil water for you whenever your iphone tells it to!

Now, instead of waking up every morning and hating everyone, the promise of the tea kettle boiling me up some delish English breakfast will make me an entirely different person. I could even imagine myself actually opening both of my eyes, brushing my hair, and perhaps saying “hello” to my roommate (and/or my gentleman caller. By which, of course, I mean my Elliot Stabler pillow).

Tea is my favorite thing besides burritos, planes driving around on the runway, and all-day marathons of Doug. It’s so much better than coffee! And healthier, right? Because of anti-oxidants and science? Oxidants are the worst!

Give this kettle to your loved ones and change their lives.

But DON’T google, “STOP EATING SO MANY WORK SNACKS” because you will find this.

For Your Friends- Herb Seed Bombs

I’ve wanted to post about these for a while, but was hesitant because

1. As a Persian person, I feel like writing “bomb” in a blog post and suggesting it be mailed to others is probably not the BEST move.

2. As a notorious killer of herb gardens, I feel that perhaps I lack the authority to write about growing living things.

3. I forgot.

BUT! I am busy at work and looking for an excuse to save all my stress for a few hours from now when it’s midnight and I’m writing terribly and the wine is gone and everyone is asleep and I have 4 articles to turn in ASAP. Also, I’m trying to expand my audience to the NSA-set. Hello, government overlords! (I promise these herb bombs are just harmless, hipster-nonsense gifts.) So here you go.

Send these HAND FORMED BALLS to your friends to shame them into being greener. Hopefully their garden will last longer than mine.

PS- If Big Brother comes and takes me away, I authorize my sister to post my manifesto. Spoiler: it’s mostly about goat cheese and Will&Grace.

For Your Boyfriend- BBQ Branding Iron

It’s football season! Teams! Touchdowns! Assault scandals! Meat grilling! Men thinking it’s cool to be drunk from Thursday night to Monday night! Yay!

[Important Football Question: You know those guys who have long hair/dreads and leave them down under their helmets? HOW CAN THEY STAND IT? Is it some sort of fashion statement? Because if my hair was stuck against my neck while I was sweating for three hours, I think I’d die. I get that a top bun wouldn’t fit under the helmet, but why not a cool braid or some sort of shorter haircut? Perhaps The Rachel? If someone can enlighten me as to why this hair-down thing is done, I would be greatly appreciative and also maybe able to concentrate on the actual game. (But probably not because I’ll be dying of boredom.) Digression over.]

The one really good thing about football season (besides the fact that I get to wear old college shirts on Saturdays instead of doing laundry. Go Bears!) is that every weekend is a big meat- and beer-filled party. I could pretend that I’m one of those cool “most of my friends are dudes and I’m just one of the guys but all my friends think I’m hot because I’m a dainty girl who drinks beer” ladies, but come on. Football is the worst and I don’t like watching it. Most of it is not even actual PLAY. It’s just time where everyone is standing around and drinking Gatorade. And yet, somehow, men still find a lot of reasons for loud outbursts that always startle me while I’m focusing on eating dip. But then again, there would be no reason for me to eat dip without football, so I dunno. I’m not totally against it.

Anyway, I don’t want to be sexist and be all- “buy this for your boyfriend because only men like meat and sports” but like…. I mean, I LOVE meat (saucy winky face), but I don’t really want to be in charge of grilling it. There’s something about dudes that makes them think they are virile cavemen/cowboys when a grill is around. And that’s fine with me because I’m concentrating on the dip.

Buy this branding iron for your manfriend and then he can go all John Wayne on everyone’s steaks and/or Morning Star Veggie Patties (#ughLA).

Pro-tip: wrap it in his favorite team’s colors. (Then don’t let him take the wrapping off so that he has to hold a ribboned rod when he brands things. I just like that visual.)

(INTRODUCING) DUDES’ CORNER! Back to the Future Lego Delorian Sets

Introducing: DUDES’ CORNER! (Omg, please send us better name suggestions)– where Katie gives you semi-random, slightly nerdy, often ridiculous, and always awesome ideas for gifts for dudes.

Ladies, stop giving  your man massage coupons. They don’t give a shit about those, and you’re not very good at it anyway.

Men, stop patting your manfriend on the back at the bar and thinking that will cut it.

Be better. Be awesome. Be more like me and Katie (#humblebrag). You’re welcome. Here’s Katie….

So, K was not joking about that whole “I’m telling Katie she’s going to write for the website right now” thing.  I got a gchat from her that surprisingly didn’t involve what flavor bagel she ate that morning and BOOM – there it was.  Full shout-out on the blog.  K knows I’m a huge supporter/lover/creeper(?) of her blog, so I was pretty excited when she asked (told) me to contribute because she and her blog are hilarious.  I’m nervous.  Does it show?  I am.  Sorry, guys.

ANYWAY a little about me.  K and I met freshman year of college at Berkeley.  We both got drunk for the first time at the same party and then cried about it together.  It was a friendship-at-first-sight sort of thing, and we’ve been attached at the remote ever since.  I am currently what I like to call a “fake lawyer” in that (1) I’m waiting to get my bar results back and (2) I work at a place that I like but I get paid in peanuts.  As in, they literally hand me a bag of peanuts and pat me on the back at the end of the week.  I’m obviously kidding – that’s not true.  Pats on the back are totally inappropriate.

So anyway – on to the gift-giving.  Guys!  I get them!  Sort of.  Okay, not really.  But I am an awesome girlfriend because I give cool gifts.  The only time a massage coupon is an appropriate gift is if it’s a “massage” in the same way those sketchy places with neon lights/curtians in the window are “massage parlors.” And even then, I feel the occasion shouldn’t be rare enough that it constitutes a gift (maybe this is why my boyfriends say I’m awesome?).

My boyfriend, like me, is a lawyer (except he actually makes money because he’s a real lawyer and WHATEVER I KNOW HE’S MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ME SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT).  He also, like me, is a giant nerd.  SO, when just this last month lego came out with “Back to the Future” DeLorian sets, he flipped out like me on Free Chipotle Day (it’s Halloween – look it up).  This finely tuned time machine now sits proudly on his desk, and it makes a GREAT gift for any fellow nerds out there who need a little desk swag.

Excited to be here!  Excited to meet you virtually!  Yayay!

Katie

P.S.  This is not called “Dude’s Corner.”  Holy crap I hate that so much.