For Your Girlfriends- Tanning Pillow

IMPORTANT NEWS: the bangs are now long enough to be parted and pushed to the side! Success! I am now in a place where I only hate them approx 35% of the time. Things are really turning around over here. You’re welcome for my hair update.

Also! It’s summer! Or at least it is here. I don’t know where you live. But it’s probably nearing summer because of global warming and whatever. (In my head, summer is not an official season with a start and end, it’s generally “any time I get to wear jorts.”) So obviously, it’s time to go to the beach.

One problem (beside the inevitable sand-in-vagina-region sitch): where do I put all my shit when I’m tanning?!?!!? I can’t just leave my phone out to get all hot and angry at me. And how am I supposed to store my Bay Cities sandwich in between bites? IN A COOLER? YEAH RIGHT. I don’t have one of those. I’m not MY MOM. Then there’s all my other standard accouterment: keys, watch, pocket breathalyzer, family size bag of pita chips, etc. I’d leave them in my purse, but when I’m face down with my eyes closed, some hooligan could come by and grab it and I wouldn’t even know! Plus, there’s a good chance my top is untied and I guarantee that everyone not seeing my boobs would be more important to me in that moment than getting up and chasing a robber.

That is way I sort of love this beach pillow. You can put all your stuff in it while you lay out. AND you don’t have to make a pillow out of your jorts! Goodbye, weird indentation in my head where the button is poking me! I’ve got a SPECIAL TANNING PILLOW now!

This thing also calls itself a “massage pillow.” I don’t know who these ladies are going to the beach with, but I need to meet their friends because mine are definitely NOT giving me massages, ocean-side or otherwise. They are too busy chasing the dogs other people brought to the boardwalk. But whatever, if some dude wanders by and asks to rub sunscreen on your back, and least you’ll have some nice head support while he does it.

Enjoy!

For Your Brother- A Butt Lamp Because Why Not

OK let’s just breeze right past the fact that it’s been a while and jump right into what’s really important: I got bangs.

They are currently in my eyes and flipping out at the side in a manner that I have decided to call “whimsical” even though it’s quite possible that the correct term is “frightening” or perhaps “terrible.” Whatever the case, they’re frizzy and I hate them. I think because I keep expecting to look in the mirror and see Rose Byrne, and then just end up seeing me with long strands of hair mixing in with the directly-inside-my-eyeball short strands and generally just being a mess. #foreheadclaustrophobia #blessed

Moving on. My mom pinned this contraption to her “For K” board with the caption “butt lamp.” I’m not sure how to feel about this. She DOES know how little outside light my apartment gets, so I guess it’s nice of her? Thanks, mom.

Anyway. For $12,000 you get a ass-shaped light that turns on when you slap it. <butt joke> <spanking joke> <something about twerking> <i just can’t>

And because $12,000 is a ridiculously idiotic amount to pay for ANYTHING that is not a car, house, or date with Channing Tatum where you are allowed to sleep wit him after, consider not buying this for your little bro and instead just getting him a poster of butts. There are a lot. Some are quite artsy and refined. He’ll love it. Ta-da!

Leave me alone. I’ve got bangs to attend to.

For Your BFF- The Most Disgusting Period Underwear Ever

 

IM BUSY BECAUSE IM COOL, but I know you miss me. Here’s something I wrote rull quick for one of my jobs. Enjoy…

http://fabfitfun.com/period-panties-kickstarter

Please continue to hold while I collect my thoughts. I have a lot of things to say about this. To be continued.

For Your Valentine- DIY Sex Art

[Warning specifically for my dad: graphic content. please stop reading. here’s an interesting TedTalk for you instead.]

STOP LOOKING FOR A VALENTINE’S DAY GIFT FOR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER RIGHT NOW. I just found the PERFECT thing. It’s done. You win at V-Day.

Ok, here goes: basically you are going to make a sex painting while getting it on. The “Love is Art” kit comes with a cotton canvas, not-toxic paint (thank god, because I guarantee you’re gonna get some up in your naughty bits), plus body wash (you know, in case you don’t have that).

You lay out the canvas, throw some paint down and then go at it until you’ve created a sexual masterpiece of abstract art. If you wanna get really artsy, you can get colored canvases and special metallic paints. Up to you. How much do you love your boyfriend?

Here are the reasons I love this:

1. I don’t have to buy fancy lingerie that costs a million dollars, and then awkwardly change into it after dinner and be like “let me slip into something more comfortable” and then go to the bathroom and strap on a bunch of straps. And then sprint from the bathroom to the bed because god help me if I ever let someone see me standing around in a circulation-strangling bustier and crotchless panties. Also, eff you guys because dudes are always just like, “oh, cool underwears I guess. Take them off.” so it’s not even worth it. SO. If we’re going to get all painty anyway, I get to just wear my 5-year-old Target brand cotton thongs. Score!

2. If we’re gonna make some art, he’s gotta last longer than like 6 seconds. No one wants to hang a canvas that is literally just a butt outline. Where’s the movement?!

3. Art’s expensive. I don’t know if you know this, but sometimes it costs like hundreds of dollars. Or like, thousands, I suppose. But that is so ridiculous I refuse to even think about it. The “art” on the walls of my apartment is just a bunch of pictures of me and my roommate hung in dollar store frames. Making your own sex art is the perfect way to spice up your decor without haggling with the guy at the fancy farmer’s market over his abstract pieces. (This might be a thing that only happens at LA farmer’s markets.)

4. I just like imagining the look on someone’s face when they lean in for a better view of the painting, and then right at that moment you whisper, “Steve really knows how to evoke emotion with his strokes.” And then wink and walk away.

My office just had a 15 minute discussion about the best techniques for actually doing this. Put the paint on yourself first? Put it directly on the canvas then roll around? Personally I like the idea of stamping parts of your body onto the canvas, but I’ll admit it’s probably not conducive to raucous sex-having. I imagine me yelling “let’s see what an outline of my knee looks like!!!!” might not put a man in the most sensual mood. Evs.

Get this. Do this. Let me know how it turns out.

Hint: Is it just me, or is a prefab kit totally unnecessary? Just go buy a sheet and some paint and you’ve got your own! Woo!

Introducing: Mail Gifts and Male Gifs

In which I share a wonderful piece of electronic mail I received about a gift on the blog. And then just give you a bunch of hot dude gifs because duh. 

You know I love you all, but TFOP reader Lindsey just became my all-time favorite.

Last month, she emailed me about the Ryan Gosling blanket idea (boom), lamenting the fact that it’s nearly impossible to find a pic large enough to be made into a blanket for her BFF. Unfortch (unfortch?) I had already broken the cardinal rule of Ryan Gosling photos and erased the original off of my computer. 😦 😦 😦 Hope was seemingly lost!

But together we did a bit of research and found a suitable photo (#TeamWorkMakesTheDreamWork). Then Linds went off to make her best friend’s dreams come true.

Here’s part of the email I got from her today:

So. I decide why not try Walmart to get this blanket of ryan gosling. It was like $20 cheaper than Shutterfly and I figured they outsourced to them anyways. So I put everything through and uploaded the picture you gave me. It looked good so I sent it and the waiting game began. I arrived home one day to find a Walmart package at the door. I about peed myself I was so happy. I am ripping apart the bag and see what appears to be a blanket. Perfect. I then pull it out to take a better look at it. Definitely NOT Ryan goslings glorious abs. I wish someone was taking a picture of me then b/c my face must have been priceless. Well I am pretty sure I went through all or most stages of emotion during this. Shock, Anger, Denial, Shock again, Acceptance and Love (and lots of tears from laughing so hard with my mom). Well needless to say it was too good to send back. So I went straight to the source and ordered a new blanket through Shutterfly. So the picture you are about to see is both the results of what is now my new blanket and Nicole’s christmas gift. Which she loved.

Ps. I have no idea who the families are. and from what I can gather none of them are related. Yet I cannot find it as a “sample” pic anywhere on walmart’s site. It was just a christmas miracle I suppose….

hope you enjoy!

Lindsey

Obviously I am obsessed with this entire thing! WalMarttttttt. Like, what?

Anyway, things worked out great and now Lindsey has her own blanket and Nicole gets to sleep with RyGos every night! Happy New Year to everyone!

p.s. It’s seriously disturbing that when you type “hot guy gif” into Tumblr, you get a ton of Justin Bieber pics. STRIVE FOR MORE, TWEENS OF 2014. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

p.p.s. These are all of the people on my Top 5 Laminated List. #overshare?

For Your Friend (or Boyfriend. UGH Stop With The Valentines Day Already)- Autographer Wearable Camera

Oh hey.

Yeah yeah yeah it was Christmas and I didn’t post ANYTHING. But come on, you guys! I was busy single-handedly saving the world from winter weight gain by eating all of the Christmas cookies in a 50 mile radius. (You’re welcome, BTW.)

Now it’s somehow the MIDDLE of January (?!?!?!) and I know you’ve been wondering about my whereabouts AS PER YOOJ because all you care about is my life and whats going on with me and when I’m gonna post again.

Anyway. How about a gift idea, friend? Sure the holidays are over, but poor unlucky souls with January birthdays still need some love. Also it’s almost MLK day, so that’s a thing. And if you’re the WORST and already planning a V-Day present for  your boyfriend, I guess I can come up with some not-stupid stuff for you. Let’s get started, shall we?

The Autographer Wearable Camera is THE SHIT. It’s $400 but you’ve got Christmas money, right? This thing’s got enough memory to shoot for 12 hours non-stop and take a bunch of pictures. The lady they’ve got modeling it is a little terrifying, but besides that it seems great all around. It’s like a sleeker Go Pro. What dude would not like this? Like seriously. If your boyfriend doesn’t love this then I know NOTHING about men. *

Alternatively, there’s this cool scale that links to your smartphone and measures everything from body weight (duh) to body fat, resting heart rate, and indoor air quality (?). Is it mean to get someone a scale? I’d like it. #coachelladiet

So, uh. There. Sorry they’re expensive. Now that I’m super flush with Christmas cash I just feel like we can all afford to ball a little.

Will post again soon! (Maybe.)

ps. Guess what! I just learned what SEO is. (Hint: It’s NOT a South Korean electronics store like I thought.) Now this shit is search optimized! Prepare to see TFOP in Google every time you look up “super hot blogger chick” or whatever. I don’t really know how the Internet works.

pps. We’re moving to Tumblr soon so I just want to prepare you all. Because if I’ve learned anything from my Newsfeed after Facebook changes the placement of one tiny feature, you guys really HATE change. We’ll be here by March. For now, it’s just a bunch of (mostly 30 Rock related) stuff I reblogged from my sister while learning how Tumblr works. Don’t judge me. It’ll look nice soon. Or like, eventually. GIVE ME A BREAK GEEZ. Feel free to keep watching me experiment and fail until the grand unveiling.

xx

*I am single.

For Your Yuppie White Friends- A Buncha Stuff

Hello pretties! Well, since K has decided that the holidays are a perfect time to take a hiatus from her BLOG ABOUT GIFTS (seriously, K?), I decided to fill a bit of this gap with a general post about gift ideas for the holidays. After the many years I spent in Berkeley, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and New York, I have become a fucking expert on what yuppie white people like. And despite their tendancy to drive you crazy, you may have some YWPs in your life that you need to buy gifts for.

So, without further ado, here is my Gifts Yuppie White People Will Like holiday list! Please buy any and all of the things on this list for the YWPs you love, and I promise they will be as happy as they are on free yoga day at Lulu Lemon. Happy hunting!

A collection of yankee candles
A juice cleanse
Anything DIY (preferably something that costs more than what its replicating)
Green tea that has no english on the package (it’s more healthy that way)
A North Face fleece
Anything pumpkin flavored
Something made out of distressed wood
A single-gear bike
Rock climbing passes
A cookbook by a famous chef (complete with recipes that they will never try)
Clothing for dogs
Beer that comes from a microbrewery
Things with moustaches drawn on them
Cultural appropriation
Flannel
Lastly, a gift that comes in a mason jar (literally anything)

Hope this was helpful. Although cultural appropriation may be hard to put in a box (or maybe not so hard), honestly, I know lots of people who would be fucking amped to recieve some of the gifts on there (rock climbing passes – for real, it’s this year’s Zumba).

Happy Holidays!

xo
Katie

For Your Nieces and Nephews- Customized Coloring Books

Honestly, I keep trying to post something and then I just keep accidentally napping. Even right now. I just opened the page and then fell the tiniest bit asleep at my desk. Which is ridiculous! Because I have had 18 million cups of tea and a Super Jittery Hipster Juice from the smoothie shop down the street today. Maybe I have an illness. Can you catch mono from watching other people make out on Scandal?

But I shall push through! This gift comes courtesy of my mom, who is the most avid Pinterest user the world has ever seen. Which is great because she created a board called “Things For Other People” where she posts ideas for me so that I don’t have to look anything up. She’s basically my research assistant. But it’s also not great because she has another board called “Things for Hannah” where she posts stuff she wants to buy for my litter sister. I found this to be incredibly rude because

1) buy ME things, mom! and,

2) I was forced to go on her Pinterest, create a board for myself, and start pinning to it for her. Boom.

Anyway, while watching Colbert/repinning recipes last week, she found this awesome gift idea and I am 100% stealing it. #sorrynotsorry

Stumped about what to get for the weird kids in your life? You could get them whatever lego monstrosity Toy R Us has on special or some sort of giant-headed, tiny-bodied doll that will cause everyone to have body dysmorphia (but whatever let’s wear makeup and be pop star princesses!), OR you could get them something way more awesome. And less creepy.

This website turns your photos into coloring book pages! Sweet, right? (OK, but still kind of creepy.) You can basically send in a photo of whatever you want (family members, cute animals, Veronica Mars, Colin Firth, a rendering of you being best friends with Veronica Mars while making out with Colin Firth), and they’ll send back a black-and-white, color-in-able page!

I suggest having a bunch made and then putting them together in a book so the kids can do a few at a time whenever their parents are tired of being around them. Some ideas for photos that will go over really well:

– One Direction, probably? I dunno.

End of list. Figure it out. Kids like action heroes and cuddly kittens. Done.

(Apparently I’ve hit the big time and WordPress is now putting huge video ads in my posts. Am I supposed to get paid for that? Because I’m not.)

DUDES’ CORNER! Star Wars Cufflinks

Duh da da daaaaaa! It’s time, once again, for everyone’s favorite segment: the PERFECTLY NAMED Dudes’ Corner! Katie finally got her shiz together and wrote a post about what to get the gross men in your life! Which is good, because I have been far too busy looking up Shane West gifs and grating cheese straight into my mouth.

Once again, Katie proves she is the giantest of giant nerds by bringing us another Star Wars prezzie. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised, since we DID spend like 45 minutes talking about the proper usage of semi-colons last time I saw her; Anyway; enjoy the post. I have to go buy underwear because I’m too lazy to do laundry. ;

;;;

MERRY CHRISTMAS KIDS!  Or happy holidays, I guess.  We can be PC here.  But really it’s also November and I’d like Starbucks to chill out with the holiday cups this early in the game, ifyadontmind.

Guys.  I have to say, this whole “thinking of widely applicable gift ideas” thing is kind of hard.  I managed to have one in the chamber and ready to go for my first post, but then the days dragged on and my mind was all “go shopping and buy yourself clothes because gifts for you are more important than things for other people** and you have plenty of time,” but then K was all “dude write me another guest post” and everything got awful.

Just kiddingggg it’s present time!  With the holidays rapidly (ish) approaching, the pressure is on to avoid gifting Brookstone LED-light keychains to everyone in your family.

As someone who works in corporate Ughmerica, I can attest to the fact that getting creative with your wardrobe can be a little difficult – the “appropriate cleavage” line is harder to navigate than LA at 3:30 on a weekday.  Luckily for men, they (1) don’t have to worry about their sweater puppies and (2) can usually get away with a little fun in the cufflinks department.  These Star Wars cufflinks are the perfect gift for a fellow nerd and most of them are nice/subtle enough to not look tacky!  I just gifted a pair of the star destroyers last week and they went over very well.

And in other news I passed the bar which I guess makes me a real adult/lawyer person or something.  So all of YOU should be sending ME gifts (maybe a giant lego deathstar for my office? kaythanks!).

General holiday gift advice:  I only have one big no-no dude gift for this year and that’s whiskey stones.  I feel like every dude in the world got whiskey stones last year for Christmas (spoiler: they got them from me – sometimes I need something easy okay?).  What they don’t tell you about whiskey stones is that they look super gross when they get wet and just don’t keep your booze cold enough.  They just can’t.  They’re not ice.  I’M SORRY.

Good luck out there, my sparkling baby reindeers!

Katie

**THAT’S THE NAME OF THE BLOG!  DID YOU CATCH THAT?   It’s like in movies when Jack Nicholson is all “What if this is as good as it gets?” and the entire audience cringes.

Miss You

[UPDATE!!!!!!! I turned my affinity for Dule Hill gifs into a post for one of my jobs. AND THEN DULE RETWEETED IT AND POSTED IT ON HIS FACEBOOK. I died. Love you Dule!]

Ah, my neglected BFFs. Will be back soon with more, but for now- I just learned how to put gifs into posts! (hint: it is literally EXACTLY the same as putting in photos.) Boom.

#psychgifsfordays

#dulehillismyhusband

xoxo.