For Your Friend- A Round of Drinks FROM THE INTERNET

A quick something special for my friends in Los Angeles and Seattle- I’m assuming you all have smart phones because this is NOW, and even babies have smart phones, and how do you avoid making eye contact with people in line for coffee if you aren’t Instragramming your shoes?

Anyway, I had the pleasure of going to the launch party for a new gifting app (#thisisthefuture) last week, and decided to share it with you because it’s cool, and also because they gave me free sliders and wine so I’m STILL in a good mood.

Gratafy is an app that lets you send restaurant food/alcohol gifts to your friends VIA THE INTERWEB. Here’s how it works:

Say it’s your friend’s birthday and they are celebrating with a big dinner at a restaurant in Santa Monica. However, you live in West Hollywood and refuse to try to go west of the 405 after work because NO WAY THAT’S FAR. So you send a text to your friend like “sorry, bro. would love to make it but ugh work and things and my boss is mean and meetings!” and your friend knows you are lying because then you tweet about watching Chopped on your couch, but they let you off the hook anyway because they are a better friend than you.

Then you start feeling guilty because you remember that last year for your birthday, your friend brought you champagne and agreed to karaoke with you even though you are a bossy, mic hogging terror at karaoke. But now it’s 9:15 and your shoes and pants are off so it’s not like you’re going to get in your car and try to make it to dinner by dessert-time. What do you do!?

Answer: stop making vine videos of your roommate watching TV, and open up your handy dandy Gratafy app. Then choose the restaurant and select your friend from your phone/facebook contacts and send them a little slice (or glass) of happy. Buy your friend a round of drinks at the bar they are at, or if you are sending this to me, make it an appetizer AND a round of drinks. Then your friend just has to show their phone to the server and collect on their gift. (Did that explanation make sense? Probably not, but just read the website. It’ll help.)

Helpful tip: you can also send gifts to yourself and sit at the bar pretending you are really popular and everyone loves buying you drinks.

For Your BFF- Just Because Sweet Treats (from Chocolate Twist)

Hey. How come no one EVER sends me flowers? Relationship or no relationship, I’m not sure I’ve EVER gotten flowers delivered to me at my home or workplace (which is way better than getting them in person. duh.) Is that just wrong? Like, what is the normal flower amount girls are supposed to receive in their lifetimes? Probably somewhere between 20 and 50 bouquets, right? Because of birthdays and anniversaries and whatnot? Or maybe even MORE if I become some sort of dancer or singer or profession where I’m bowing on stage a lot. My roommate gets flowers every other week from her parents or her girlfriend or her girlfriend’s parents. WHAT THE HECK, LOVED ONES? WHERE ARE MY FLOWERS.

Ok, but be strategic about it. If everyone sends me flowers next week and I end up watching Pretty Little Liars through a sea of roses I will be living a recurring dream (as long as Mr. Fitz is also there) know that you are just sending them because I demanded it and it will cheapen the experience.. but not totally ruin it so please feel free to send them anytime I need some flowers in my life and edible arrangements are also accepted as long as some of the fruit is chocolate covered because whowantsregularfruit?!?!

ANYWAYZ, speaking of mail gifts (as opposed to male gifs, which is also something I like sent to me), my friend got these sweet Chocolate Twist chocolates in the mail from her boss. (HER BOSS. COME ONNNNN.) She suggested I put them on the blog, and I obviously agreed in exchange for being able to eat one of the chocolates. Because I am a cheap ho for chocolate, and I accept blog bribes. I AM OPEN FOR BUSINESS. If you send me snacks, I will blog about them and I will say all the good things. And if you send flowers, then I will also marry you.

So please consider sending these chocolates to the people you love. There are cool flavored marshmallows and caramels and other delicious things. (I want the Parmesan truffles! cheese chocolate!) And they ship all over the US. Don’t leave your sad, flower-less friends out in the cold. I think sending treats and flowers is best done out-of-the-blue because they really are the loveliest of lovely things to receive when you least expect it. Which is why I will continue to not expect anything over the next week or so. 😉 😉 😉 all the winks.

For Prince Harry- Self-designed Cookies

Hello, my babies. How are you? What did you do this weekend? If the answer is not “learned all the dance moves in the Bubble Butt video,” you really need to get on my level. Or maybe you went on a mediocre date and accidentally called the dude a slut as a (pretty solid) joke, but he didn’t get ANY of your jokes so you just came home and ate all the pizza in the fridge. Or maybe you sat by the TV waiting for the royal baby to be born and planning a really great present for New Uncle Prince Harry so that he will marry you and make you some adorable ginger children…

My original idea was to send some glamor shots of me holding a British flag and all of my old Spice Girls barbies so he’d know how much I like the UK. There’s also a pretty attractive picture of me eating clotted cream with a spoon in a Soho pub that I could include. Is there a man on Earth that can resist a woman who can take down a whole tub of cream and 12 Snakebites in one sitting? (Apparently yes, because I’m single. Womp. But not for long! Mwahahahahaha! Prince Harry!)

Luckily that baby is taking it’s sweet time to get here, giving me a few extra days to perfect my uncle-winning gift. I got it! British people LOVE cookies. I mean, sure they call them “digestives” or “biscuits”, both of which sound decidedly less delicious than “fresh baked cookies.” But nomenclature aside,  they have whole meal times devoted to them! Or like, to tea. But we all know that the point of drinking tea is to wash down crumpets or whatever. So what better way to show my love than to make (and eat) some cookies for the younger prince? Thingiverse lets you design your OWN cookie cutters so that your gift will be delicious AND original. I’m thinking mine will be fish ‘n chip and/or David Beckham shaped.

Oh, but one last thing: you need a 3D printer so hurry up and join the future!

For the Bride and Groom- Personalized Salt ‘n Pepper Shakers

Wellllllllllllp. All I want in the world right now is an Egg McMuffin and all the aspirin. There are just so many steps between eating that McMuffin and me. Like…. pants, car, talking to the lady in the drive through, home. I just can’t. So I’m going to sit here until someone brings me one. Now it’s on you! Don’t let me starve!

There are, however, a few things I CAN do without lifting my head from my pillow. Spilling water on myself when trying to drink from a glass, for example. Or staring at the wall. Also, Esty-ing. I developed a pain-free method where I keep my head on the bed and inch my arm out so that I can scroll and click with minimal body movement. It’s working!

Speaking of Etsy. A friend of mine is having a birthday party next week, and because he’s a (lovable) weirdo, he’s asked that the only gifts people get him are novelty salt ‘n pepper shakes. WHICH I LOVE. Because, in case you were wondering how much time I can spend scouring the internet for salt and pepper shakers, the answer is FOREVER. FOREVER TIME.

I still haven’t found the right ones for him, but did come across this lady. She will paint you some personalized romantic shakers for your lucky wedded friends, your mom and dad on their anniversary, or whoever! And they are so cute! Suh. Cyuh. Way better than the flatware on their registry. Forks have got to be the LEAST exciting things to get as a gift. These are guaranteed to surprise and delight. I’m gonna have some made for me. Romantic shakers with my face on the salt and an Egg McMuffin on the pepper. True love!

For ME- An Encouragement Edible Arrangement, Please

Today is my one-month single-versary, and in honor of me, I am celebrating with one last post about my sad sad life before I stop boring you with my complaints. After this, it’s all roses and sunshine and summer alcoholic beverages! I’ll still be writing melancholy contemplative emails to myself, but it’s time to move forward. At least blog-wise. Because hoping this is just a bad dream that I’ll wake up from and walk into the kitchen and there’s an omelet and hash browns is NOT gonna happen, I guess. And waiting for it is keeping me stuck in this omelet-less rut. So here we go. Good bye, old life. Hello, a lot more alcohol every day! But first, just for fun, shall we recap some things I did in this month of heartbreak? I…

• Read approx 7 million books
• Learned how to properly clean a shower
• Tortured some herb plants and maybe grew the beginnings of one tiny jalapeno
• Cried a lot
• Watched ALL the episodes of Chopped
• Developed a cheese allergy (WHYYYYYYYYYYYY)
• Kicked my Starbucks breakfast sando habit (damn cheese!)
• Cried more
• Exercised three times!!!!!11
• Almost died in a freak Baskin Robins accident
• Wrote a multitude of pathetic emails
• Ate mystery sliders in a bedroom at a party instead of talking to people
• Taught myself to save pathetic emails into the drafts folder instead of sending them
• Read the entire internet every day
• Stared solemnly out of car windows
• Went to all the happy hours
• Bought some awesome, remote controlled flameless candles that I can turn on with the push of a button in a badass, sexy way if I ever have a gentleman caller in my home
• Watched a recap of Pretty Little Liars so I finally kind of understand the plot
• Finished three bottles of bourbon
• Laser-ed all of my body hair off
• Drove to old relationship landmarks to make myself feel bad
• Took a cooking class
• Discovered buying prepared foods at Trader Joes is easier
• Watched Steel Magnolias 15 times
• Cleaned out my closets
• Made out with my ex and got confused about what life is
• Decided to control my own emotions and just try to feel better

So, you know, mixed bag. One month later and I’m slightly healthier and my house is clean, but I still can’t unsubscribe from my fake Knot.com account so I’m being tortured by emails about happy couples and wedding cake everyday. You win some, you lose some. On to the next phase- making out with anyone who has a British accent, real or otherwise. Commence happiness! I hope? I dunno. Here goes nothin’. I don’t know what I’m doing here.  If you feel like sending me an encouragement edible arrangement, I’ll take it. Everyone loves Edible Arrangements, even if they pretend they are dumb. It’s free food! And I love free food. Make sure there’s some chocolate covered pineapples in there. Maybe some fish ‘n chips.

“If you’re planning on sending me an edible arrangement, I prefer a meat one.” — Liz Lemon (30 Rock)

For Mom (OR DAD YOU SEXIST JERK!)- Magnetic Ironing Board

I don’t want to freak you guys out, but I have been having THE WEIRDEST digestion issues over the last few weeks. Obviously only in a really cute and non-gross way because I am a lady and am clean and fresh all the time. BUT SRSLY. It’s like not eating for a week out of sadness, then coming back full force by gorging on burritos and pizzas and peanut butter pretzels is BAD for you. Whoda thunk? Now I get indigestion just from thinking about the hummus in the fridge. I’m like my own grandma over here. How come no one cool ever talks about getting indigestion? Cool people must get it sometimes. Don’t EVEN try to tell me Beyonce never gets indigestion. Home girl’s husband bankrolled a chicken restaurant called Buffalo Boss, so…

Anyway, because I didn’t actually know what indigestion was when I first contracted it, I went home to my parents’ house for the 8 millionth time this month to make my mom take care of me. She kindly translated my complaints of “it’s like all the food is stuck in my lungs. Is that a thing?” into a recognizable diagnosis that can be solved with Tums, which moms always have in their purses. And now I’m good as new! Only not really because honestly could the food actually be stuck inside my lungs? I swear it is.

While I take some time to go consult that Bravo doctor who will probably tell me my stomach has fallen asleep, here’s a cool thing I found in the laundry room at my mom’s house- a magnetic ironing board that fits on your dryer! Admittedly not the BEST gift idea I’ve ever suggested. But if I had bought this for my mom as some sort of just-because gift (instead of letting her find it by herself on Pinterest), I guarantee she would have gone ape-shiz for it and rewarded me with all of the Tums in the land! Moms love stuff like this. OR DADS BECAUSE DON’T BE SEXIST. I dunno. Buy it for someone. But also give them flowers or peanut butter pretzels or something so they don’t think you are just asking them to iron all your clothes for you. Honestly, if someone bought this for me, I’d love it. Of course, they’d also have to buy me a washer and dryer because I don’t have one.

Who am I kidding- I don’t need to convince you! You love this idea! You are welcome. The end. I’m going to go feed my lungs some more hummus.

For Whatever- A cool clock or something. I don’t care.

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted so I figure I gotta get something up. I don’t really feel like doing much of anything. It’s been a tough week over here at Chez Keshvar, and all I really want to do is take my brain out of my head and operate on autopilot for the next six months when everyone says I’ll feel better. Unfortunately science is useless and has not progressed far enough to help me out here. So the other options are to sleep or watch TV. Shows involving anything romantic are unacceptable, so that only leaves Chopped and SVU. And I’ve seen most of the episodes before. Even BD Wong’s usual mood-lifting magic is lost on me.

So whatever, here’s a neat clock. Give it to your dad for father’s day. He can put it in his office or bathroom or wherever he spends his time. I dunno. They just secured a manufacturer so purchasing options should be available soon. If not in time for dad’s day, here’s a personalized cooler/chair that I saw on a Knot.com email I get for reasons of pure torture, I guess. Both work for your dad, so there you have it. I’m out for now. If BD Wong turns me around ever, I’ll post again soon.

 

 

For Everyone- Custom Bobblehead

Let’s talk about the pro’s and con’s of spending 4 to 5 hours a day at Starbucks. Because I used to think this was my dream life, but now that I’m living it, ummmmmmmm…… it’s not that awesome.

Pros:

Taking creepy stalker photos of all my celeb sightings- Beverly Leslie, Josh Gad, Kristin Chenoweth, Bachelor Jake, etc.

Sausage Cheddar Breakfast Sandos

ALL the Chai Tea Lattes

Overhearing ridiculous conversations

More Chai Lattes

Sausage Cheddar Breakdast sandos for the road

Cons:

There is a weird mentally ill homeless person sitting next to me who keeps pretending like he’s struggling to open a particularly fussy imaginary bag. It’s getting progressively harder for him (he’s getting tired?) and he’s coughing a lot near my sandwich.

Every hour I have to scan the room for someone who looks trustworthy enough to monitor my stuff while I run out to feed the meter. No one ever wants to be tasked with this. I have to sprint to the meter.

It’s too cold inside but too hot outside.

Oh? Ok. Yup. The homeless man is itsy-bitsy-spidering his hand dangerously near my thigh. Awesome.

I’ve put on at least 7 pounds of pure breakfast sando weight.

In conclusion- SOMEONE HIRE ME BECAUSE READING A BOOK AT STARBUCKS ALL DAY IS NOT WHAT I IMAGINED IT WOULD BE WHEN I TOILING AWAY AT MY DESK. Having nothing to do all day is HARD, guys. The only thing on my agenda today is going to the grocery store to buy toilet paper. And I’m EXCITED about it. Seriously.

But enough about my first world problems (this Starbucks has slow internet! my computer is running out of battery and I don’t feel like plugging it in!), let’s talk about a fun gift.

One word: bobblehead. I seriously cannot picture ANY situation where a custom bobblehead is NOT an appropriate gift. Birthday, Mother’s Day, wedding, housewarming, graduation, literally ANY occasion. Who wouldn’t love to get a bobblehead of themselves or a loved one? Maybe splurge and get them a whole set.

Plus, you get to control what the body of the bobblehead is doing! You can go realistic (your boyfriend playing basketball, your mom reading a book, me watching television), or ridiculous (your friend being Harry Potter, your brother riding a golden bull (?), me doing anything besides watching television). There are 31 pages of options!

Update- just realized that the Harry Potter one is really just “male graduate with books.” My bad….

Best description of a bobblehead ever goes to Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock: “When you move his head, his head moves!!!”

For Your Foodie Friend- Smorgasboard Board Game

Snacks not included.

I don’t know if you know this, but I am a foodie. I am like… super interested in the nuances of cuisine or whatever. My pallet is the most refined. Safran! Coq a vin! Other food words! See?

It absolutely does not matter that I put ketchup on everything, cook mostly microwavable meals, and order fish and chips from every restaurant, everywhere, every time. I watch Top Chef and own a food processor. Therefore, I am a foodie.

Occasionally I meet other foodies and we delight in discussing the merits of ragus and curries and cheeses. This is how the conversation usually goes:

Me: “CHEESE IS THE BEST.”

Other foodie: “Yes, this is from the Normandy region of France and is a strong, robust cheese. It pairs best with hearty dishes like—“

Me: “OMNOMNOM cheese. Oops it’s all gone.”

Very few food snobs are willing to put up with this, but I am lucky enough to have a found a few true food lovers who don’t mind my particular brand of foodie-ism. One of them is my best friend, Melissa. She cooks actual food at her home, is half french and therefore naturally good at food things, AND is going to Paris next month to take a two week cooking course at Le Cordon Bleu. This board game is what I’m getting her for her birthday.

It ships from Ireland so plan ahead. AND it looks hard. Even for an experienced foodie like me, this board game has some stumpers. Not ONE question is about hot cheetos or the McRib. Despite these minor deficiencies, it’s a great gift for anyone who loves food and wants to put their knowledge to the test.

For Your Friend- IngenuiTEA Teapot

Real life photo taken by me!

So there I was at brunch on Saturday, minding my own business and trying to order the exact right amount of hashbrowns to cure my hangover but not add too much to my Christmas debt, when the waiter brings this amazing contraption to our table. You see, my manfriend had frustratingly ordered a hot tea even though we had JUST discussed the many merits of the bloody mary, which I obviously ordered. My anger was only assuaged (love this word because it reminds me of sausage) because I was enthralled by this tea pot. I had never seen anything like this before. It’s so cool! I almost immediately tried to buy one from the restaurant (thanks, bloody mary), but was wisely counseled by my tea drinking friend to wait and try to find it online for less than the $30 the restaurant was asking.

Anyway, found it here. But it’s also on Amazon for a few dollars cheaper. Basically, you fill it with hot water and your loose leaf tea, let it steep, then press your glass to the underside and watch the tea dispense sans leaves. It’s mesmerizing. Just make sure you’ve got some glass coffee/tea cups, so you can watch the magic. These ones are pretty.