For Your Valentine- DIY Sex Art

[Warning specifically for my dad: graphic content. please stop reading. here’s an interesting TedTalk for you instead.]

STOP LOOKING FOR A VALENTINE’S DAY GIFT FOR YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER RIGHT NOW. I just found the PERFECT thing. It’s done. You win at V-Day.

Ok, here goes: basically you are going to make a sex painting while getting it on. The “Love is Art” kit comes with a cotton canvas, not-toxic paint (thank god, because I guarantee you’re gonna get some up in your naughty bits), plus body wash (you know, in case you don’t have that).

You lay out the canvas, throw some paint down and then go at it until you’ve created a sexual masterpiece of abstract art. If you wanna get really artsy, you can get colored canvases and special metallic paints. Up to you. How much do you love your boyfriend?

Here are the reasons I love this:

1. I don’t have to buy fancy lingerie that costs a million dollars, and then awkwardly change into it after dinner and be like “let me slip into something more comfortable” and then go to the bathroom and strap on a bunch of straps. And then sprint from the bathroom to the bed because god help me if I ever let someone see me standing around in a circulation-strangling bustier and crotchless panties. Also, eff you guys because dudes are always just like, “oh, cool underwears I guess. Take them off.” so it’s not even worth it. SO. If we’re going to get all painty anyway, I get to just wear my 5-year-old Target brand cotton thongs. Score!

2. If we’re gonna make some art, he’s gotta last longer than like 6 seconds. No one wants to hang a canvas that is literally just a butt outline. Where’s the movement?!

3. Art’s expensive. I don’t know if you know this, but sometimes it costs like hundreds of dollars. Or like, thousands, I suppose. But that is so ridiculous I refuse to even think about it. The “art” on the walls of my apartment is just a bunch of pictures of me and my roommate hung in dollar store frames. Making your own sex art is the perfect way to spice up your decor without haggling with the guy at the fancy farmer’s market over his abstract pieces. (This might be a thing that only happens at LA farmer’s markets.)

4. I just like imagining the look on someone’s face when they lean in for a better view of the painting, and then right at that moment you whisper, “Steve really knows how to evoke emotion with his strokes.” And then wink and walk away.

My office just had a 15 minute discussion about the best techniques for actually doing this. Put the paint on yourself first? Put it directly on the canvas then roll around? Personally I like the idea of stamping parts of your body onto the canvas, but I’ll admit it’s probably not conducive to raucous sex-having. I imagine me yelling “let’s see what an outline of my knee looks like!!!!” might not put a man in the most sensual mood. Evs.

Get this. Do this. Let me know how it turns out.

Hint: Is it just me, or is a prefab kit totally unnecessary? Just go buy a sheet and some paint and you’ve got your own! Woo!

For Your Yuppie White Friends- A Buncha Stuff

Hello pretties! Well, since K has decided that the holidays are a perfect time to take a hiatus from her BLOG ABOUT GIFTS (seriously, K?), I decided to fill a bit of this gap with a general post about gift ideas for the holidays. After the many years I spent in Berkeley, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and New York, I have become a fucking expert on what yuppie white people like. And despite their tendancy to drive you crazy, you may have some YWPs in your life that you need to buy gifts for.

So, without further ado, here is my Gifts Yuppie White People Will Like holiday list! Please buy any and all of the things on this list for the YWPs you love, and I promise they will be as happy as they are on free yoga day at Lulu Lemon. Happy hunting!

A collection of yankee candles
A juice cleanse
Anything DIY (preferably something that costs more than what its replicating)
Green tea that has no english on the package (it’s more healthy that way)
A North Face fleece
Anything pumpkin flavored
Something made out of distressed wood
A single-gear bike
Rock climbing passes
A cookbook by a famous chef (complete with recipes that they will never try)
Clothing for dogs
Beer that comes from a microbrewery
Things with moustaches drawn on them
Cultural appropriation
Flannel
Lastly, a gift that comes in a mason jar (literally anything)

Hope this was helpful. Although cultural appropriation may be hard to put in a box (or maybe not so hard), honestly, I know lots of people who would be fucking amped to recieve some of the gifts on there (rock climbing passes – for real, it’s this year’s Zumba).

Happy Holidays!

xo
Katie

For Your Gal Pal- DIY Bath Tub Tea

Let’s talk about a dating issue I’m having. The problem with going on dates with stranger dudes you meet in the bar/post office/Trader Joes is that they have no connection to your real life. Obviously that means there’s the possibility that they murder me in an alley, but I think the bigger problem is that it is just so EASY to lie to them about everything in my life. There are no outside verification forces (i.e. mutual friends) who won’t let me brag about my fake accomplishments. “Oh, me? I’m a National Merit Scholar but I passed on a job with NASA because I wanted to join the Clinton Foundation and save the world. Also I am a super good cook, so I teach cooking classes twice a week. Oh, and I love Pilates.”

Except, like, NO. None of that. The rational part of my brain is like, “Um STOP THIS. They will find out the truth eventually!” but the tipsy part of me is like, “oh hey, also pretend you speak fluent Swedish. HE’LL NEVER KNOW.”

Keep your judgements to yourself, though. Because it’s worked great so far. Ha! If things progress with someone, I guess I’ll just have to become the person I made up. I’m already half way there because I watch a lot of Food Network and did Pilates once in college.

Anyway, the people who ACTUALLY know me can tell you that there is one truth in my life that will never change: I love baths. When people say that baths are gross (because you are basically marinating in your body dirt or whatever) it makes my physically angry. BATHS ARE AWESOME. Maybe you fools are weirdly dirty so your baths are disgusting, but mine are heavenly. Because I am perfect and always clean like a princess.

For the bath lovers (my best friends) in your life, how about some DIY Bath Tub Tea?

Working for a ladymag has taught me that women love DIY. We will literally never leave the house if you keep supplying us with an endless list of crafts to make. BUYING THINGS IS FOR MEN. So. After your DIY nail art dries, run to the store and spend way more money than you would have if you just bought ready-made bath salts, then DIY away! It’s a gift for you AND your giftee. Välkomna! (According to Google, that’s “you’re welcome” in Swedish? Boom.)

I was going to retype all of the DIY instructions and lie and pretend I thought up the whole idea, but I’m working on my fibbing problem. At least with you. You know me too well. Check out how to do it here.

 

For New Mom and Baby- Latchy Catchy

Go the f*%k to sleep!

I found this on Etsy and I think it’s brilliant. I do not have children (because I like drinking wine and vacationing too much), but I’d imagine that one of the most frustrating things in the world has got to be hearing the door close too loudly behind you after 20 minutes of lulling your baby to sleep at 3am. Hell, I want one for my boyfriends house so he won’t wake up when I sneak out of his room before dawn to visit what we call “the naughty bathroom.” (overshare?)

Anyway, spare the new mom in your life that anxiety by giving her one of these. I think it might be fun as part of a little baby shower gift basket. OR pop it in the mail at any point during her pregnancy/early momhood as a thoughtful “just because” gift.