For Your Girlfriends- Tanning Pillow

IMPORTANT NEWS: the bangs are now long enough to be parted and pushed to the side! Success! I am now in a place where I only hate them approx 35% of the time. Things are really turning around over here. You’re welcome for my hair update.

Also! It’s summer! Or at least it is here. I don’t know where you live. But it’s probably nearing summer because of global warming and whatever. (In my head, summer is not an official season with a start and end, it’s generally “any time I get to wear jorts.”) So obviously, it’s time to go to the beach.

One problem (beside the inevitable sand-in-vagina-region sitch): where do I put all my shit when I’m tanning?!?!!? I can’t just leave my phone out to get all hot and angry at me. And how am I supposed to store my Bay Cities sandwich in between bites? IN A COOLER? YEAH RIGHT. I don’t have one of those. I’m not MY MOM. Then there’s all my other standard accouterment: keys, watch, pocket breathalyzer, family size bag of pita chips, etc. I’d leave them in my purse, but when I’m face down with my eyes closed, some hooligan could come by and grab it and I wouldn’t even know! Plus, there’s a good chance my top is untied and I guarantee that everyone not seeing my boobs would be more important to me in that moment than getting up and chasing a robber.

That is way I sort of love this beach pillow. You can put all your stuff in it while you lay out. AND you don’t have to make a pillow out of your jorts! Goodbye, weird indentation in my head where the button is poking me! I’ve got a SPECIAL TANNING PILLOW now!

This thing also calls itself a “massage pillow.” I don’t know who these ladies are going to the beach with, but I need to meet their friends because mine are definitely NOT giving me massages, ocean-side or otherwise. They are too busy chasing the dogs other people brought to the boardwalk. But whatever, if some dude wanders by and asks to rub sunscreen on your back, and least you’ll have some nice head support while he does it.

Enjoy!

For Your Friend (or Boyfriend. UGH Stop With The Valentines Day Already)- Autographer Wearable Camera

Oh hey.

Yeah yeah yeah it was Christmas and I didn’t post ANYTHING. But come on, you guys! I was busy single-handedly saving the world from winter weight gain by eating all of the Christmas cookies in a 50 mile radius. (You’re welcome, BTW.)

Now it’s somehow the MIDDLE of January (?!?!?!) and I know you’ve been wondering about my whereabouts AS PER YOOJ because all you care about is my life and whats going on with me and when I’m gonna post again.

Anyway. How about a gift idea, friend? Sure the holidays are over, but poor unlucky souls with January birthdays still need some love. Also it’s almost MLK day, so that’s a thing. And if you’re the WORST and already planning a V-Day present for  your boyfriend, I guess I can come up with some not-stupid stuff for you. Let’s get started, shall we?

The Autographer Wearable Camera is THE SHIT. It’s $400 but you’ve got Christmas money, right? This thing’s got enough memory to shoot for 12 hours non-stop and take a bunch of pictures. The lady they’ve got modeling it is a little terrifying, but besides that it seems great all around. It’s like a sleeker Go Pro. What dude would not like this? Like seriously. If your boyfriend doesn’t love this then I know NOTHING about men. *

Alternatively, there’s this cool scale that links to your smartphone and measures everything from body weight (duh) to body fat, resting heart rate, and indoor air quality (?). Is it mean to get someone a scale? I’d like it. #coachelladiet

So, uh. There. Sorry they’re expensive. Now that I’m super flush with Christmas cash I just feel like we can all afford to ball a little.

Will post again soon! (Maybe.)

ps. Guess what! I just learned what SEO is. (Hint: It’s NOT a South Korean electronics store like I thought.) Now this shit is search optimized! Prepare to see TFOP in Google every time you look up “super hot blogger chick” or whatever. I don’t really know how the Internet works.

pps. We’re moving to Tumblr soon so I just want to prepare you all. Because if I’ve learned anything from my Newsfeed after Facebook changes the placement of one tiny feature, you guys really HATE change. We’ll be here by March. For now, it’s just a bunch of (mostly 30 Rock related) stuff I reblogged from my sister while learning how Tumblr works. Don’t judge me. It’ll look nice soon. Or like, eventually. GIVE ME A BREAK GEEZ. Feel free to keep watching me experiment and fail until the grand unveiling.

xx

*I am single.

For Your Yuppie White Friends- A Buncha Stuff

Hello pretties! Well, since K has decided that the holidays are a perfect time to take a hiatus from her BLOG ABOUT GIFTS (seriously, K?), I decided to fill a bit of this gap with a general post about gift ideas for the holidays. After the many years I spent in Berkeley, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and New York, I have become a fucking expert on what yuppie white people like. And despite their tendancy to drive you crazy, you may have some YWPs in your life that you need to buy gifts for.

So, without further ado, here is my Gifts Yuppie White People Will Like holiday list! Please buy any and all of the things on this list for the YWPs you love, and I promise they will be as happy as they are on free yoga day at Lulu Lemon. Happy hunting!

A collection of yankee candles
A juice cleanse
Anything DIY (preferably something that costs more than what its replicating)
Green tea that has no english on the package (it’s more healthy that way)
A North Face fleece
Anything pumpkin flavored
Something made out of distressed wood
A single-gear bike
Rock climbing passes
A cookbook by a famous chef (complete with recipes that they will never try)
Clothing for dogs
Beer that comes from a microbrewery
Things with moustaches drawn on them
Cultural appropriation
Flannel
Lastly, a gift that comes in a mason jar (literally anything)

Hope this was helpful. Although cultural appropriation may be hard to put in a box (or maybe not so hard), honestly, I know lots of people who would be fucking amped to recieve some of the gifts on there (rock climbing passes – for real, it’s this year’s Zumba).

Happy Holidays!

xo
Katie

For Your Nieces and Nephews- Customized Coloring Books

Honestly, I keep trying to post something and then I just keep accidentally napping. Even right now. I just opened the page and then fell the tiniest bit asleep at my desk. Which is ridiculous! Because I have had 18 million cups of tea and a Super Jittery Hipster Juice from the smoothie shop down the street today. Maybe I have an illness. Can you catch mono from watching other people make out on Scandal?

But I shall push through! This gift comes courtesy of my mom, who is the most avid Pinterest user the world has ever seen. Which is great because she created a board called “Things For Other People” where she posts ideas for me so that I don’t have to look anything up. She’s basically my research assistant. But it’s also not great because she has another board called “Things for Hannah” where she posts stuff she wants to buy for my litter sister. I found this to be incredibly rude because

1) buy ME things, mom! and,

2) I was forced to go on her Pinterest, create a board for myself, and start pinning to it for her. Boom.

Anyway, while watching Colbert/repinning recipes last week, she found this awesome gift idea and I am 100% stealing it. #sorrynotsorry

Stumped about what to get for the weird kids in your life? You could get them whatever lego monstrosity Toy R Us has on special or some sort of giant-headed, tiny-bodied doll that will cause everyone to have body dysmorphia (but whatever let’s wear makeup and be pop star princesses!), OR you could get them something way more awesome. And less creepy.

This website turns your photos into coloring book pages! Sweet, right? (OK, but still kind of creepy.) You can basically send in a photo of whatever you want (family members, cute animals, Veronica Mars, Colin Firth, a rendering of you being best friends with Veronica Mars while making out with Colin Firth), and they’ll send back a black-and-white, color-in-able page!

I suggest having a bunch made and then putting them together in a book so the kids can do a few at a time whenever their parents are tired of being around them. Some ideas for photos that will go over really well:

– One Direction, probably? I dunno.

End of list. Figure it out. Kids like action heroes and cuddly kittens. Done.

(Apparently I’ve hit the big time and WordPress is now putting huge video ads in my posts. Am I supposed to get paid for that? Because I’m not.)

For Your Boyfriend (But Really for You)- Odor Suppressing Underwear

This whole post is just an excuse to search for, stare at, and present to you this photo. You’re welcome.

As every brilliant professional blogger knows, the best thing to do right after having your busiest day of web traffic ever is to not post anything for 10 days because you are too lazy.

Apparently even that could not deter you all from stopping by to read weeks-old posts about shelving units. This must be what it feels like to be Regina George! I was bragging all about it to my sister just now and she goes, “you know your traffic’s just going up because it’s Christmas and everyone is googling ‘gifts,’ right?”

UGH RUDE. Fine. So you want holiday gift ideas? I can do that. I mean, it IS November 3rd so like maybe you should all just slow your roll (rolls?) and enjoy November for a while. No?

OK. Then how about some fart suppressing underwear? Merry Christmas!

I just had to got to write about these at my day job, and let me tell you- you can spend HOURS trying to come up with delicate, lady-friendly ways to say fart. But eventually you just give up because YOU HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE.

Anyway, these things’ll supposedly keep all your gross flatulence/gas/downstairs-burps/upside-down-butt-whispers/i-dont-know-lets-just-say-fart-again inside the SUPER “ZORFLEX” AMAZE-A-TRON CLOTH (because we officially live in the future and I am Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century).

Now you will no longer bother the people around you with your disgusting self! Ta da!

(side note: growing up, my sister used to call farting “fuffering” and that is now the only way my entire family will refer to it. I also once caught her standing behind the Christmas tree counting her “farty babies” as she fuffered back there for like an hour. #princesses #blessed)

Let’s choose not to think about what happens when you take them off to wash them because I am trying to eat breakfast and I just cannot.

Do us all a favor, and give these to everyone you know. You’re welcome.

For Your Dad- the iKettle

Fun fact about excessive drinking on Tuesday: it leads to inescapable desk napping on Wednesday.

Feel thankful that you do not follow me on Twitter, because the barrage of angry, ranting tweets I lobbed at my poor poor friends last night was not cool (and has since been mostly deleted). [Side note: I basically just discovered Twitter a few months ago because I am living in 2009. And oh my god guys, it’s kinda neat.]

AND because I was super busy tweeting, watching Catfish, and stumbling around my apartment, I didn’t get ANY work done last night and now have approximately one kajillion things to do. So, obviously, I’m writing blog posts instead because LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

Do you guys ever google encouraging phrases just to see what the internet will come up with to motivate you? No? Just me? Well. If you were smart, you’d try searching “OMG WAKE UP, SELF. AND DO WORK.” Because once you got past all the grumpy cat memes, you would have discovered this amazing kettle that will boil water for you whenever your iphone tells it to!

Now, instead of waking up every morning and hating everyone, the promise of the tea kettle boiling me up some delish English breakfast will make me an entirely different person. I could even imagine myself actually opening both of my eyes, brushing my hair, and perhaps saying “hello” to my roommate (and/or my gentleman caller. By which, of course, I mean my Elliot Stabler pillow).

Tea is my favorite thing besides burritos, planes driving around on the runway, and all-day marathons of Doug. It’s so much better than coffee! And healthier, right? Because of anti-oxidants and science? Oxidants are the worst!

Give this kettle to your loved ones and change their lives.

But DON’T google, “STOP EATING SO MANY WORK SNACKS” because you will find this.

For Your Hosts- Sexy Pillow

The good news is: I got some super fucking fancy shampoo and conditioner from the niceeeeee hotel I stayed at last weekend.

The bad news is: I saw a cockroach in my bathroom when I got home and am now afraid to shower. Ever.

BUT! The (adorable) stench of my unwashed (sexy) body was finally too much and I ventured in today. So good! I love using ANY products that are not already in my bathroom. I don’t even care if they are lower quality than my stuff. There’s something about using other people’s things that is so luxurious. Even if it’s really just some dude’s 2-in-1 Head & Shoulders that will actually never de-tangle my hair.

This is also why I love staying in all my friends’ guest rooms. But if I’m going to use all of their lotions and body washes, it’s only right that I reward their hospitality with a little gift.

Enter: my favorite pillow ever.

Perfect as a housewarming gift or hostess gift for your cute couple-friends .They can put it on their guest bed.

—

Please note that I got progressively drunker/lazier during that post and try not to judge me. I’d go back and fix all the grammatical mistakes and add funnier jokes, but that would require me to have better concentration than the 3 cups of coffee I just drank will allow. Instead, I thought I’d just add this little disclaimer and then go back to playing the desk-drums to Lorde songs, and annoying my coworkers by complaining about how cold it is in the office. Sorry not sorry.

For Your Friends- Herb Seed Bombs

I’ve wanted to post about these for a while, but was hesitant because

1. As a Persian person, I feel like writing “bomb” in a blog post and suggesting it be mailed to others is probably not the BEST move.

2. As a notorious killer of herb gardens, I feel that perhaps I lack the authority to write about growing living things.

3. I forgot.

BUT! I am busy at work and looking for an excuse to save all my stress for a few hours from now when it’s midnight and I’m writing terribly and the wine is gone and everyone is asleep and I have 4 articles to turn in ASAP. Also, I’m trying to expand my audience to the NSA-set. Hello, government overlords! (I promise these herb bombs are just harmless, hipster-nonsense gifts.) So here you go.

Send these HAND FORMED BALLS to your friends to shame them into being greener. Hopefully their garden will last longer than mine.

PS- If Big Brother comes and takes me away, I authorize my sister to post my manifesto. Spoiler: it’s mostly about goat cheese and Will&Grace.

For Your BFF- Custom Designed Body Pillow

“Objects are made by man, and used for many purposes. But we NEVER. LOVE. OBJECTS.”

So. Earlier, I was Google searching “Elliot Stabler Body Pillow” because that is what my sad sad life has come to at this point. The bad news is: no one makes one that I can just buy and have delivered and be sleeping with by the end of the week. The good news is: DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE LIKE 8 MILLION DIFFERENT LAW& ORDER:SVU FANFICTION STORIES ONLINE?! If the internet wasn’t made so that I could read terribly written stories about Benson and Stabler hooking up after particularly difficult sex crime cases, THEN I DON’T KNOW WHY IT WAS MADE. Thank you, internet gods!

The other good news is that I found a website that will let you custom design your own body pillow covers! Which means I have officially found Christmas presents for all of my friends! Roommate obviously gets Dragon Tattoo Rooney Mara. Sister gets Lee Pace holding a pie. Self gets double sided Chris Meloni/Dermot Mulroney because if your hair is not salt and peppered, then I cannot love you.

Possibilities are endless. You’re welcome.

For Your Bridesmaids- Bossy Handkerchiefs

Oh hi. It’s 7pm and I’m on my lunch break. And by lunch break, I mean cold tea and snack size can of pringles break. Also, I am still on the phone and emailing.

May I offer a few…

PRO LIFE TIPS:

1. Don’t have three jobs at one time.

2. Especially don’t have three jobs at one time if hardly any of them pay you.

3. Especially especially don’t have three jobs at one time and then get the yips and be unable to put together a coherent sentence (except in blog list form). And then cry to your dad about being a terrible writer on the way to another job interview. And then have snot on your sleeve when you are being judged on your maturity and responsibility.

4. Never leave your contacts in sink water.

5. Eat more snack size pringles.

SO YOU KNOW. I’ll be here. Working. Until the weeeeee hours of the morning again. It’s like college. Only in college, there were more Twizzlers around. Also, I think I was smarter then.

But whatever because I asked for this and the alternative is working in HR and hating everyone! IM EMBRACING LIFE. SLEEP IS UNNECESSARY. SOMEDAY THERE MIGHT EVEN BE TIME FOR WINE AGAIN.

Anyway, if you wanted to email me an encouraging note, I’d take it. Even a nice hand drawn picture. If it’s of me, make sure you include a single tear rolling down my cheek as all of my writing abilities go flying out the window, leaving me prostrate in front of the computer while all of my friends watch New Girl with alcohol in the next room…

Oh, and buy these handkerchiefs for your bridesmaids and/or graduation attendees.

(Note: this is exactly the kind of post that my mom says makes me seem like “a negative person.” So, um, to counterbalance that- just know that I am going to have a burrito later and it will make me pretty happy and upbeat. Until it’s gone. #curmudgeondiaries)

In other news: 30 Rock Season 7 is now on Netflix. I guess it’s not all bad.