For the Bride and Groom- Special Events Wine

First thing’s first, please do NOT put a quote from “anonymous” on the box for this gift. “Anonymous” quotes have always baffled me. If you don’t know who said it, it’s NO LONGER A QUOTE. IT’S A SENTENCE.  You can’t just put quotation marks around something and expect me to accept it as some deep, insightful fact about living because anonymous said it. If you can’t figure out who said it, JUST WRITE IT WITHOUT QUOTES. Problem solved! Now you have a cute little sentence about wine, and I won’t think you’re an idiot for quoting NO ONE.

Or better yet, just find a new quote! Especially for this gift. I mean, how hard can finding a good quote about wine be? I literally just googled “best quotes about wine” and it took me about 12 seconds to compose the following list, ALL of which can be attributed to real humans, at least as far as you trust lists compiled by other people on the internet.

1. “Wine makes daily living easier, less hurried, with fewer tensions and more tolerance.” -Benjamin Franklin (BEN EFFING FRANKLIN, guys. FOUNDER of our nation. And he loved wine! Take that, Anonymous.)

2. “Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.” -Pope John XXIII (Ever heard of a little thing called INFALLIBILITY? Boom. Poped! PS- why is the Pope talking about men like he’s a weekday guest on Kathie Lee and Hoda?)

3. “Either give me more wine or leave me alone.” -Rumi (Wait. Can this be true? What is this wine quotes website? This cannot be a real quote.)

OK OK OK. Whether or not we are going to believe the internet on this one is beside the point. Here’s the gift (via Pinterest)- put together a box with 6 or so good bottles of wine (like actually good. not like Yellowtail is $3 more expensive than 2-buck chuck so it’s fancy good) and designate them for special events in the couple’s upcoming life together- first baby (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome be damned!), first fight, first anniversary, first time bride let’s groom catch her pooping, etc.

As for me, like Rumi Anonymous once said,

“Either give me more wine or leave me alone.”

For The Bride and Groom- Gourmet Spices

 

Ok, I’m just about over being unemployed. Sure I get to wake up whenever I want, write Chopped fanfiction about Ted Allen for entire afternoons,  and take creepy stalker pictures of Will and Grace’s Beverley Leslie at Starbucks all morning (!!!!!!!!!!), but this not-having-money-for-whatever-cheese-I-want-at-Whole-Foods thing is starting to wear on me. Thank God my mom invited me down to my parents’ house this week. They have a whole fridge full of cheese! Hashtag family resemblance.

While I was there, I came across this great gourmet spice shop, and obviously ended up spending a ton of money that I don’t actually have. Thanks, credit card! I will now be enjoying my Ramen noodles topped with some delicious Alderwood Smoked Course Sea Salt!

Even if you like your Ramen plain, these spices would make a great gift. Wedding season is fast approaching, as you can probably tell from the pile of Save the Dates you’ve shoved under your coffee maker/in between your couch cushions/in the junk drawer (if you’re me). And these gorgeous, unique, and surprisingly cheap spice sets would be a PERFECT gift!

For young couples, go with the household starter kits like The Organic Collection or Keys to the Kitchen. For more established couples, I like the wilder salt or ethnic sets.

They ship all over the country, but if you live in So Cal, you’re better off calling the store in Corona del Mar and getting them to ship to you direct for cheaper.

(Ps- Beverley Leslie just left. Sadly, I did not get to ask him where Benji his “business associate” is today.)

For New Moms- Baby Things

You guys! Guess what I did today! (Hint: This time it actually does NOT involve Game of Thrones). I LEFT MY APARTMENT AND SAT AMONGST THE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD! Or more specifically, the people of Starbucks.

What the heck, guys? Who are all these people who can just hang at Starbucks all day?  I’ve seen a lot of people wearing cool lululemon exercise-gear. Is this their lives? Morning yoga followed by Starbucks parfaits at 11am? How do they get money? I’m assuming most have some sort of fun media-slash-event-planning-slash-interior-decorating job, and Bravo is currently circling them for a reality show. [Other ideas for Bravo I just thought of: Groomers and Lies (about fancy NY dog groomers), or Baby Couture (about the drama-filled world of toddler high fashion).]

Speaking of Bravo… A few days ago I was sitting with my roommate watching LA Shrinks because reasons, when one of the characters decided to visit a fertility doctor to find out why she was having trouble getting pregnant. Normally this is the part where I’d flip back to watching Chopped because talking about fertility makes my uterus hurt, but just as I was grabbing for the remote, I heard the TV doc say “Sometimes, when women are on birth control for long periods of time, their ovaries fall asleep and they have trouble conceiving.”

UMMMMM WHAT!? THAT CANNOT BE A THING. Right? I mean, RIGHT? No one ever mentioned that that might happen to me. Sure, sex education was probably not the strong suit of the Catholic school I went to, but I feel like some one should have told me if the pills I take EVERYDAY are lulling my baby making parts into a peaceful Snow White sleep like the chemical equivalent of a Nora Jones CD.

Obviously I immediately emailed my gyno to get the facts. My email went something like, “I know this is going to sound dumb, but I just saw this on TV so I feel like it’s probably true. ARE MY OVARIES SLEEPING? Can we wake them up?! Are we talking forever sleep or is this some sort of nap? WHAT IS HAPPENING INSIDE MY BODY.”

Luckily her email back was short and direct. “Don’t be ridiculous. ‘Sleeping Ovaries’ is NOT a side effect of oral contraception.” Then she gave me the link to a bunch of studies about conceiving after birth control, but I didn’t read them because that’s gross.

Ever since, I’ve had babies on the brain. So let’s talk about gifts for new moms. Hurr you go!

The unfortunately named “Squirt Baby Food Dispenser” that would probably be useful for feedings on the go.

Car seat cooler I found on a mom-blog, but she doesn’t sell them. You’ll have to read about it and try to make your own. She seems to think it’s easy-ish.

Apparently babies suck at holding their own bottles and this helps.

Remember, the most important thing you can do for your babies is like… have them. So make sure to blast some heavy metal at your ovaries once in a while to keep them from nodding off.

Going Away Gift- Custom Stuffed Dog

How is it that being unemployed is making it harder for me to accomplish anything in a day? I’ll wake up with grand plans – “I’m going to plant an herb garden and buy a new book today!” I’ll say. “But first, let me just watch ONE tiny episode of Game of Thrones.”

Next thing I know it’s 6:30 PM and I haven’t brushed my teeth or moved from the couch. Oops. If I start calling y’all “Your Grace” it’s because I’ve watched 15 episodes in 2 days and now my brain only thinks in Ye Olde English. Also, I’m having some strange sex dreams about Peter Dinklage. Sorry not sorry.

I’m not going to lie to you- it’s 7:37 and I’m even watching an episode while I write this. John Snow is about to do it with that maid from Downton Abbey who left to go be a secretary or whatever. Every British actor is literally in EVERYTHING. Also- who writes this show? Do they hate women? They obviously don’t really understand them, as evidenced by the amount of blood on Sansa’s bed when she got her period. I mean COME ON. THAT’S TOO MUCH. TOO MUCH BLOOD. I don’t know what you men think, but we aren’t losing pints of blood every day for one week per month. We’d die. Think it through. Come on. I really don’t think I like this show. Why have I watched 2 whole seasons already?

Anyway, is it too soon for another dog related gift? I think not. Dogs are IMPORTANT, you heartless robot. They deserve to get presents and/or be the subject of human presents all the time. And in that spirit, here’s an idea:

This company will take a photo of your pet and create a custom stuffed animal of it. I think it would be a great going away gift. Perhaps your little brother or niece or friend or whatever is going away to college the fall and is going to miss the family dog. Imagine giving this to him! He’d be so embarrassed but secretly happy! He’ll shove it in the bottom of a suitcase, but end up taking it out gingerly one night during orientation and placing it next to his laptop. Then he’ll drink a bunch of beer and watch Forrest Gump or something. I miss college!

Or give it to a friend who just lost their pet? Is that morbid? Or just give it to anyone. They’ll love it!

Here’s the website!

For Your Friend- A Bathtime Planetarium Projector

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I LOVE BATHS.

You see, my white friends, sometimes people are not born with perfect non-frizzy hair. Some people can’t go to the gym in the morning, then shower, then jet off to work with their locks gently air drying the breeze from the air conditioning. SOME people have to physically beat their hair into submission, and it takes 45 minutes minimum, and it gets really hot in bathroom, and you have to flat iron it, and then curling iron it, and you use all the irons. AND THEN, only then, is it suitable to be seen by outsiders.

Obviously this takes way too many minutes to be done EVERY day. And for that reason, I only do it twice a week tops. BUT DONT JUDGE ME, you flat hair’d jerk. I still wash my body. That’s where baths come in. Baths are luxurious. You can use bath salts (in a non-ingestible/face-eating way), and candles, and books, and magazines. You can pretend you are in some sort of romantic comedy and you are taking a bath to relax after a long day and it’s perfect (instead of being too hot and also uncomfortable because your boobs are floating out of the water and getting cold and your book is getting wet and you can’t text because your hands are shriveled.)

BUT BESIDES THAT, it’s awesome. You can get clean, and shave your legs, and wash off all of your makeup, AND YOUR HAIR STAYS DRY. You’ll only have to flat iron the few bits around your face that got some stray face wash on them. The rest can live to fight another day. Probably Wednesday. Unless you have shit to do on Wednesday. Then you can put it in a bun and wait until Thursday.

Anyway, if one of your friends likes baths as much as me, you should get them this submersible planetarium that projects lights onto the ceiling or into the bath itself. I prefer the peaceful stars-on-the-wall compared to the terrifying sting ray-swimming-in-your-tub effect, but it’s up to you. Might be fun for your friends who have kids, too. But let’s be honest, this and a glass of wine, and I might never get out. Unless my boobs get too cold.

For Your Friend- Personalized Classic Novels

Well, maybe this should be my last post because I just found- hands down- the BEST THING EVER. “What! Better than wine sippy cups!?” you ask. YES! Better than wine sippy cups. Better than dog portraits. Better than a Ryan Gosling blanket. Better than everything. Better than ALL THE THINGS.

Behold! Classic Book By You, a website that lets you name all the characters in your favorite classic novels after yourself and your friends.

Remember playing Oregon Trail in elementary school and the intense satisfaction you got from naming your characters after the people you hate so you could watch them die of dysentery during computer class? It would make that little wah-wah noise, and bam! that ho Jenny Thompson from Mr. Garrett’s class drowned while trying to ford the river. These books are the updated version of that. Imagine opening up your very own copy of Peter Pan and seeing the name of the your ex boyfriend’s new bitchy girlfriend everywhere that “Captain Hook” should be. Wonderful!

(Side note: never ford the river when you have more than a few pounds of supplies. That shit will ALWAYS mess you up. Your pixilated horses cannot do it. Don’t even try. Take extra days and go around. If your best friend starves along the way, so be it.)

Or maybe you were like me and named all of your Oregon Trail characters after yourself. Eight little Me’s packed into their wagon, eating dried oxen meat, fighting Indians, and dying of cholera. It was kind of strange to watch one me bury the other me’s along the way to the Willamette Valley. But I also liked being the center of every plot point. I was a weird third grader. Anyway, I don’t suggest trying this with the book, because it could get confusing if ALL of the Bennett Sisters in Pride and Prejudice are named Princess K. I’d stick with Elizabeth because if Mr. Darcy Mr. Clooney was all, “you must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you,” to a character with my name, I’d be inappropriate lusting all over the place.

Obviously, these are totally worth the $29.95 they are charging for a physical copy. And as a bonus, along with the names, you can change the character descriptions to match the physical characteristics of your friends. Jany Eyre, Sherlock Holmes, Alice in Wonderland, etc. There are a lot of options. Make sure to take some time deciding on the perfect person for each character. Shane West might be a hot Dr. Watson or George Wickham, but let’s be honest- he’s no Mr. Rochester. I haven’t really decided who I want for that. Maybe Vin Diesel?

You’re welcome, everyone, because you are all getting this from me for every present from now on…

ps: Thing overheard in my office today: “I can’t decide who should be my Moriarty. Should it be a friend, or some I REALLY hate- like Fred Durst?”

For Your BFF- TV Show Floor Plans

UGHHHH. I have been staring at this post for the last three weeks NON STOP (except for all the times when I was watching SVU and/or reading my favorite grilled cheese blog obvs), and I just could NOT come up with something clever to say. It’s terrible. Especially because this post is about TV, and I LOVE TV. And I REALLY LOVE Friends, and Gilmore Girls, and Sex and the City, and basically every show ever except Parking Wars. AND these things are cool, so they should be easy to write about. Rory and Carrie would never have experienced this kind of writer’s block. I am a failure.

But whatever. Instead of staring at this stupid draft for another day, I’m just going to post it. And you all will have to deal with it. Because these beautiful hand drawn and colored floor plans of the homes of my best friends favorite TV characters are one of the best things to come out of Etsy/the internet ever.

The artist wasn’t taking new orders last month, but should be back at it any day now. Order while you can!

I’m gonna go make a grilled cheese.