For Your Girlfriends- Tanning Pillow

IMPORTANT NEWS: the bangs are now long enough to be parted and pushed to the side! Success! I am now in a place where I only hate them approx 35% of the time. Things are really turning around over here. You’re welcome for my hair update.

Also! It’s summer! Or at least it is here. I don’t know where you live. But it’s probably nearing summer because of global warming and whatever. (In my head, summer is not an official season with a start and end, it’s generally “any time I get to wear jorts.”) So obviously, it’s time to go to the beach.

One problem (beside the inevitable sand-in-vagina-region sitch): where do I put all my shit when I’m tanning?!?!!? I can’t just leave my phone out to get all hot and angry at me. And how am I supposed to store my Bay Cities sandwich in between bites? IN A COOLER? YEAH RIGHT. I don’t have one of those. I’m not MY MOM. Then there’s all my other standard accouterment: keys, watch, pocket breathalyzer, family size bag of pita chips, etc. I’d leave them in my purse, but when I’m face down with my eyes closed, some hooligan could come by and grab it and I wouldn’t even know! Plus, there’s a good chance my top is untied and I guarantee that everyone not seeing my boobs would be more important to me in that moment than getting up and chasing a robber.

That is way I sort of love this beach pillow. You can put all your stuff in it while you lay out. AND you don’t have to make a pillow out of your jorts! Goodbye, weird indentation in my head where the button is poking me! I’ve got a SPECIAL TANNING PILLOW now!

This thing also calls itself a “massage pillow.” I don’t know who these ladies are going to the beach with, but I need to meet their friends because mine are definitely NOT giving me massages, ocean-side or otherwise. They are too busy chasing the dogs other people brought to the boardwalk. But whatever, if some dude wanders by and asks to rub sunscreen on your back, and least you’ll have some nice head support while he does it.

Enjoy!

For Your Bridesmaids- Bossy Handkerchiefs

Oh hi. It’s 7pm and I’m on my lunch break. And by lunch break, I mean cold tea and snack size can of pringles break. Also, I am still on the phone and emailing.

May I offer a few…

PRO LIFE TIPS:

1. Don’t have three jobs at one time.

2. Especially don’t have three jobs at one time if hardly any of them pay you.

3. Especially especially don’t have three jobs at one time and then get the yips and be unable to put together a coherent sentence (except in blog list form). And then cry to your dad about being a terrible writer on the way to another job interview. And then have snot on your sleeve when you are being judged on your maturity and responsibility.

4. Never leave your contacts in sink water.

5. Eat more snack size pringles.

SO YOU KNOW. I’ll be here. Working. Until the weeeeee hours of the morning again. It’s like college. Only in college, there were more Twizzlers around. Also, I think I was smarter then.

But whatever because I asked for this and the alternative is working in HR and hating everyone! IM EMBRACING LIFE. SLEEP IS UNNECESSARY. SOMEDAY THERE MIGHT EVEN BE TIME FOR WINE AGAIN.

Anyway, if you wanted to email me an encouraging note, I’d take it. Even a nice hand drawn picture. If it’s of me, make sure you include a single tear rolling down my cheek as all of my writing abilities go flying out the window, leaving me prostrate in front of the computer while all of my friends watch New Girl with alcohol in the next room…

Oh, and buy these handkerchiefs for your bridesmaids and/or graduation attendees.

(Note: this is exactly the kind of post that my mom says makes me seem like “a negative person.” So, um, to counterbalance that- just know that I am going to have a burrito later and it will make me pretty happy and upbeat. Until it’s gone. #curmudgeondiaries)

In other news: 30 Rock Season 7 is now on Netflix. I guess it’s not all bad.

(INTRODUCING) DUDES’ CORNER! Back to the Future Lego Delorian Sets

Introducing: DUDES’ CORNER! (Omg, please send us better name suggestions)– where Katie gives you semi-random, slightly nerdy, often ridiculous, and always awesome ideas for gifts for dudes.

Ladies, stop giving  your man massage coupons. They don’t give a shit about those, and you’re not very good at it anyway.

Men, stop patting your manfriend on the back at the bar and thinking that will cut it.

Be better. Be awesome. Be more like me and Katie (#humblebrag). You’re welcome. Here’s Katie….

So, K was not joking about that whole “I’m telling Katie she’s going to write for the website right now” thing.  I got a gchat from her that surprisingly didn’t involve what flavor bagel she ate that morning and BOOM – there it was.  Full shout-out on the blog.  K knows I’m a huge supporter/lover/creeper(?) of her blog, so I was pretty excited when she asked (told) me to contribute because she and her blog are hilarious.  I’m nervous.  Does it show?  I am.  Sorry, guys.

ANYWAY a little about me.  K and I met freshman year of college at Berkeley.  We both got drunk for the first time at the same party and then cried about it together.  It was a friendship-at-first-sight sort of thing, and we’ve been attached at the remote ever since.  I am currently what I like to call a “fake lawyer” in that (1) I’m waiting to get my bar results back and (2) I work at a place that I like but I get paid in peanuts.  As in, they literally hand me a bag of peanuts and pat me on the back at the end of the week.  I’m obviously kidding – that’s not true.  Pats on the back are totally inappropriate.

So anyway – on to the gift-giving.  Guys!  I get them!  Sort of.  Okay, not really.  But I am an awesome girlfriend because I give cool gifts.  The only time a massage coupon is an appropriate gift is if it’s a “massage” in the same way those sketchy places with neon lights/curtians in the window are “massage parlors.” And even then, I feel the occasion shouldn’t be rare enough that it constitutes a gift (maybe this is why my boyfriends say I’m awesome?).

My boyfriend, like me, is a lawyer (except he actually makes money because he’s a real lawyer and WHATEVER I KNOW HE’S MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ME SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT).  He also, like me, is a giant nerd.  SO, when just this last month lego came out with “Back to the Future” DeLorian sets, he flipped out like me on Free Chipotle Day (it’s Halloween – look it up).  This finely tuned time machine now sits proudly on his desk, and it makes a GREAT gift for any fellow nerds out there who need a little desk swag.

Excited to be here!  Excited to meet you virtually!  Yayay!

Katie

P.S.  This is not called “Dude’s Corner.”  Holy crap I hate that so much.

For Your Friends- Sound Wave Friendship Bracelets

Hey, guys. Sorry it’s been so long between posts but to be honest, I’m pretty mad at you. I feel like I made it VERY clear that I was to be sent multitudes of edible arrangements during these past few weeks. And yet, not a single delicious package was delivered to my door. How you will make it up to me? (Besides sending one or twelve apology boxes of chocolate covered fruit).

The ONLY reason I’m breaking the vow I made to give all of you the silent treatment until I’m fully stuffed with dessert fruit is that I just went to a private “fall preview” tasting at Coffee Bean headquarters (hashtag job perk), and now I’m wired on pumpkin flavored caffeine drinks. This energy has to be diverted somewhere, and even though it should probably be put towards washing my car (or, you know, working), it’s hot outside so I’ve decided to post instead. But just know that I’m still mad, and we are still in a fight.

ANYWAY. I suppose even though you all hate ME, you DO have loved ones who you like to gift things to. And maybe you’d like that gift to be a wearable sound wave based on a recording of you saying something nice (or dirrrty, depending on who you’re buying for. Amiright?) Well, you are in luck! The Sound Advice Project lets you do just that for only $18! Send an ‘I love you’ to your mom or a ‘Bitch, stop stealing my jewelry’ to your roommate, or a ‘Thanks for agreeing to be my slave’ to your bridesmaids, or a ‘***** *** ******* ******’ to your boyfriend (<— Redacted because my dad reads this blog). Whatever you choose, it’s sure to please and/or make your friends uncomfortable. Love it!

ps- Insider knowledge! Today I learned that Coffee Bean has a secret menu, and starting September 3rd you can order a pumpkin chai latte and IT IS THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD. YOU’RE WELCOME. It would be delicious with some chocolate covered strawberries. Just sayin’.

For Your BFF- ANYTHING LIZ LEMON JUST BUY IT SHE’S THE BEST

Ok. I’m just going to say it. The girls that live above me are DEFINITELY medium-to-high priced call girls. Shall we compare my Sunday to theirs in order to make our case? (#RoyalWe)

Me: Wore sweats ALL day, hair in top bun by 3pm. No shoes since yesterday.

Them: Got home at noon in small outfits and large shoes. Left house at 4pm in different small outfits and even larger shoes. Hair curled. Cool studded purses toted.

Me: Moved my filthy college-gift-from-my-parents car to the other side of the street to avoid street cleaning fines. Did not wear bra.

Them: Parked 5series Mercedes in driveway spot at our shitty apartment building. Car looks mysteriously like probable gift from wealthy gentleman “friend.”

Me: Ordered Italian food at 5pm because walking to the corner store sounded hard and Girl Code was on TV.

Them: Visited by well-dressed man in the afternoon with a Whole Foods bag. He was wearing a giant watch. (???) I could see it from my couch.

Me: Read an old book then watched The West Wing in bed. Finished the wine.

Them: Just got home right now (midnight) ON A SCHOOL NIGHT. Giggled profusely. Sounded like they probably had more cash on hand than when they left. Clomped up the stairs in large shoes. Vacuumed (??)

As you can tell by my ability to catalog the comings and goings of my neighbors for an entire day, I had a super busy Sunday. But lucky for you, while the upstairs Ladies of the Night (and Scantily Clad Day) were out doing….. whomever whatever, I was reading the entire internet AS PER YOOJ….

Sorry for suggesting you buy so much art, but not that sorry because art is cool. And these sweet lady-character prints from Heymonster are awesome. Plus, you can get them on a T-shirt, thus effectively transforming you INTO the lady you are wearing. Finally, I can reach my full potential by becoming my favorite fictional curmudgeonly variety comedy show producer. (Hashtag Liz Lemon is my forever hero.) It’s better than becoming a West Hollywood call girl, right? (Maybe not. They get Whole Foods deliveries and fancy cars.) Also available: Leslie Knope, Dana Scully, Buffy Summers, etc. Options I hope will be available someday: Veronica Mars, Olivia Benson, CJ Cregg??

ps- my top bun looks awesome right now but no one will ever see it and that is just so typical of my entire life.

For Prince Harry- Self-designed Cookies

Hello, my babies. How are you? What did you do this weekend? If the answer is not “learned all the dance moves in the Bubble Butt video,” you really need to get on my level. Or maybe you went on a mediocre date and accidentally called the dude a slut as a (pretty solid) joke, but he didn’t get ANY of your jokes so you just came home and ate all the pizza in the fridge. Or maybe you sat by the TV waiting for the royal baby to be born and planning a really great present for New Uncle Prince Harry so that he will marry you and make you some adorable ginger children…

My original idea was to send some glamor shots of me holding a British flag and all of my old Spice Girls barbies so he’d know how much I like the UK. There’s also a pretty attractive picture of me eating clotted cream with a spoon in a Soho pub that I could include. Is there a man on Earth that can resist a woman who can take down a whole tub of cream and 12 Snakebites in one sitting? (Apparently yes, because I’m single. Womp. But not for long! Mwahahahahaha! Prince Harry!)

Luckily that baby is taking it’s sweet time to get here, giving me a few extra days to perfect my uncle-winning gift. I got it! British people LOVE cookies. I mean, sure they call them “digestives” or “biscuits”, both of which sound decidedly less delicious than “fresh baked cookies.” But nomenclature aside,  they have whole meal times devoted to them! Or like, to tea. But we all know that the point of drinking tea is to wash down crumpets or whatever. So what better way to show my love than to make (and eat) some cookies for the younger prince? Thingiverse lets you design your OWN cookie cutters so that your gift will be delicious AND original. I’m thinking mine will be fish ‘n chip and/or David Beckham shaped.

Oh, but one last thing: you need a 3D printer so hurry up and join the future!

For Your Friend- Personalized Illustrated Stationery

IMPORTANT NEW BLOG I’M CREATING- I will call it: Terrible Screenplay Ideas I Overheard At The Coffee Shop. I think I want it to be a series of movie posters based on those ideas. Probably done in chalk. I feel like that’s my medium. Also I just bought a bunch of chalk for the chalkboard I made so it’s all I’ve got. I will painstakingly illustrate a poster based on each of the terrible plot twists, character names, and screenplay titles I come across while spying on the “writers” at my local cafes. Oh, and by “painstakingly illustrate” I obviously mean “halfheartedly draw, quickly and while drunk.”

Upcoming posts include:

– “It’s like a classic princess story. Girl needs guy. Guy saves girl. They fall in love. Except only one of them is animated.”

-“I think we’ve really got something here! Should the Dictator also have a limp?”

-“I just needs to come across as really existentialist. Like, these things are happening in real life. But they have to feel very meta, you know?’

You see, LA is the land of the Coffee Shop Office. And while I only go to cafes in order to get out of my apartment for a few hours and read my book near some maybe-straight cute dudes, like 85% of the other people in LA are unemployed writers who go to the coffee shop to read Deadline.com on the free wifi and have “meetings” with their other “writer” friends. All while “working on their screenplays.” I don’t mean to make fun of these people (too much). I mean movies are obviously getting made. And some of those movies are pretty good. And good movies have to be written somewhere. And that place MIGHT be Alfred’s Coffee on Melrose Place. But let’s be honest, they can’t all be winners. And I just don’t think Dictator With Limp is going to win an Oscar any time soon.

If YOUR FRIENDS are tryna make it big with their works of art, they’re gonna need a way to stand out. That way, if Ron Howard stops by their Starbucks to pick up a latte, they’ll be ready. Rifle Paper Co does hand designed, personalized business cards and stationery with your (or your friend’s) likeness on them. Sure to get noticed! Even if it’s only by me because I’m at a boring spot in my book so I’m reading your draft over your shoulder.

—

New site should be up and running soon! Unless I get too lazy. But I hereby declare that this is my idea so you guys can’t steal it! I will sue you! A lot of my friends graduated from law school this year, guys. And someday they might even pass the bar and maybe get a job. And then IT’S ON, JERKS. In the mean time, if you’re bored and looking for something to read on the internet, consider checking out my terrible high school Xanga page while I die of embarrassment. So many quizzes on there! 16-year-old me was pretty bad at predicting the future….

For A Housewarming- Homemade Chalk Board

 

What if I became a carpenter? Like the kind that only works in Southern California where the weather’s nice and that doesn’t care that much about money, but that gets to spend all day outside, be their own boss, wear cool goggles, and at the end of the day has something tangible to show for their time. That’s a thing, right? I think those people are on HGTV all the time.

Plus if I were a carpenter, I’d have to really concentrate on my circular saw or whatever so I wouldn’t have time to just sit and hurt and feel sorry for myself. I’d have a circular saw and goggles, dammit! I’d be in charge of making things! I’d carve my initials into benches and shelving units and stuff. And my neighbors would host dinner parties and their friends would be like “awesome porch swing, bro” and my neighbor would be all “yeah, my cool neighbor made that for me and I paid her in burritos.” I think I could like that life. But like, how do you become a carpenter? Does a poli sci degree qualify me to learn the nail gun? Is there a way to avoid doing any math?

UGH. I forgot about the math part until like RIGHT NOW. So neverminddddd. I’ll stick to being unemployed and reading a book a day and then drinking too much wine at night while writing sad email drafts. That seems more my speed. Sadly there’s less outside time and burrito payments, but on the bright side: more accidental napping and new word learning. We shall see.

Have you ever thought about building something as a gift? It sounds kind of daunting because the ceilings at Home Depot are really high and the dudes that work there always leer in a weird way when they ask me if I need any help in the wood section. But it’s kind of cool to put your time and effort into something that your friends will be forced to display because it’s too big to hide in a closet. Today my friend and I spent some time making a “framed” chalk board that we are going to hang in my living room. In my head, I thought it would be nice to display each night’s dinner menu on it, but then we realized that it would just end up saying “hummus, carrots, and peanut butter pretzels” EVERY night. So instead we’re drawing self portraits of ourselves eating hummus, carrots, and peanut butter pretzels.

Anyway, might make a fun housewarming gift for a friend who’s got some walls to fill. People’s art tastes can be a little unpredictable, but with a hand painted and framed chalk art square, they can turn their wall into whatever they want! Plus, it’s not that expensive. The whole thing cost about $35 and only took a few hours of painting and gluing during commercial breaks of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Fun all around!

For Your Little Sister- Fancy Alcohol

So, predictably, I still have NOT finished cleaning out my closets. I got it to the pull-everything-out-and-put-it-in-piles-on-the-floor-and-bed-stage. But that was pretty taxing, so I decided to skip out on the organizing/cleaning/putting everything back stage and drive home to my parents house to watch Alias on my computer in a clean room and let my parents pay for dinner.

AND YOU GUYS. Michael Vartan! How did I forget about Michael Vartan! True story: I met him once at work and got to ride in an elevator with him late at night by ourselves. And then we almost made out but right before he could reach over and shove me up against the wall, some other bitch from the 3rd floor got in. At least I’m pretty sure what was happening. GEEZ he is a good looking dude. This has nothing to do with my gift idea, I just wanted you all to know where my head is at right now.

Anyway, guess who else was at my parents’ house this weekend- my baby sister! And even though in my head she’s still the 8 year old terror that used to physically assault me for eating the last pop tart, IRL she is turning 21 this year! Obvs I will be taking her to ALL of the gay bars on her birthday, but as a special fancy present I am gonna craft up some bottles of terrible alcohol because that is easier than getting her what she really wants (a Lee Pace sex doll, I’m assuming). Plus, I’ll already have a lot of leftover glitter from the Ke$ha concert I am going to tomorrow.

21st birthdays are tough to gift for because there isn’t generally much present opening and appreciating time at the party. Everyone is just getting wasted. (Unless you’re me. I had a daytime tea party for my birthday because I’m lame BUT WHATEVER BECAUSE I MADE SCONES AND THEY WERE FUCKING DELICIOUS.) So to solve that problem, attendees generally just make MOAR ALCOHOL the gift. Which is perfectly acceptable if you want to be a normal gift giver and not The Best Effing Gifter Ever. SO. Here’s what you do- spend a little extra time fancy-ing up the bottles of Malibu and flavored Smirnoff and whatever else people drink when they are 21 so that your present will stand out. That way, even when your sister wakes up the next day and can’t remember anything that happened, she’ll see your fancy bottles and know that you love her and are sorry for eating all of the pop tarts when you were growing up.

OK! Time to go buy some neon outfits for Ke$ha and maybe see a movie by myself so that I can avoid being in this disaster of a bedroom…

For the Graduate- Universal Travel Adapter

So here’s a thing- can you develop agoraphobia? I mean I used to love going places, but now that I’m home a lot, most days the thought of leaving the apartment and being amongst the general public is daunting. I literally only get off of the couch when I’ve finally run out of Diet Dr. Pepper and have to replenish my supply. I can only handle leaving if I get out first thing to go to an appointment (and by “appointment” I mean a quick jaunt through the aisles of City Target so I can buy pretty spatulas I don’t need). But if I don’t leave by say 1pm, it ain’t happnin. There are just too many episodes of West Wing to watch and my bed is really comfortable. Once I’m in this mode, I won’t even walk out my door 12 feet to take out the trash if I hear someone else out there. I don’t want to interact with other humans. What I’m saying is…. do I have a disorder? Can it be cured with Diet Dr. Pepper? Because that’s all I’ve got.

For the people in your life who AREN’T addicted to sitting in a dark living room and staring at Pinterest all day, there’s the Module-R Universal Travel Adapter. It’s cute. Plus graduation time is upon us, and those smug recent grads have all the fucking time in the world to travel, so it’s extra relevant.

Ever since graduating college, I love to attend the graduations of other people. It feels good to know that a whole other class of young people is about enter the real world where dreams go to die. College students are so annoying! They’re lives are the best. They literally only have to focus on drinking alcoholic things and occasionally putting on their Outside Sweats to go to class. And no one judges them! I mean, YES, that is technically my funemployment life right now too. But I have responsibilities, man. Someone thought it was a good idea to let me open a credit card and now I have to say words like “credit score” and “cable bill” and “copay” all the time. For most college students, money is a magical thing that just appears in their bank accounts (via dad or student loan) and can be spent on ALL the Poptarts instead of paid to the city of West Hollywood in parking tickets and taxes. For me, it’s something I hoard so I have enough quarters to do laundry once every three months. College students just make their mom do it.

But before these coddled jerks deal with grown up problems like not being able to drink midday beers because you are expected to work (or in my case- because the bar man will secretly judge you for not being a productive member of society), let’s give them just a few more weeks of bliss. Let’s aid them in their ridiculous efforts to discover themselves by traveling to Bali or eating French cheese in Marseille. These tiny, colorful, and helpful adapters make a cheap and easy grad present. Let their parents pay for the actual trip.