For Your Yuppie White Friends- A Buncha Stuff

Hello pretties! Well, since K has decided that the holidays are a perfect time to take a hiatus from her BLOG ABOUT GIFTS (seriously, K?), I decided to fill a bit of this gap with a general post about gift ideas for the holidays. After the many years I spent in Berkeley, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and New York, I have become a fucking expert on what yuppie white people like. And despite their tendancy to drive you crazy, you may have some YWPs in your life that you need to buy gifts for.

So, without further ado, here is my Gifts Yuppie White People Will Like holiday list! Please buy any and all of the things on this list for the YWPs you love, and I promise they will be as happy as they are on free yoga day at Lulu Lemon. Happy hunting!

A collection of yankee candles
A juice cleanse
Anything DIY (preferably something that costs more than what its replicating)
Green tea that has no english on the package (it’s more healthy that way)
A North Face fleece
Anything pumpkin flavored
Something made out of distressed wood
A single-gear bike
Rock climbing passes
A cookbook by a famous chef (complete with recipes that they will never try)
Clothing for dogs
Beer that comes from a microbrewery
Things with moustaches drawn on them
Cultural appropriation
Flannel
Lastly, a gift that comes in a mason jar (literally anything)

Hope this was helpful. Although cultural appropriation may be hard to put in a box (or maybe not so hard), honestly, I know lots of people who would be fucking amped to recieve some of the gifts on there (rock climbing passes – for real, it’s this year’s Zumba).

Happy Holidays!

xo
Katie

For Your Dad- the iKettle

Fun fact about excessive drinking on Tuesday: it leads to inescapable desk napping on Wednesday.

Feel thankful that you do not follow me on Twitter, because the barrage of angry, ranting tweets I lobbed at my poor poor friends last night was not cool (and has since been mostly deleted). [Side note: I basically just discovered Twitter a few months ago because I am living in 2009. And oh my god guys, it’s kinda neat.]

AND because I was super busy tweeting, watching Catfish, and stumbling around my apartment, I didn’t get ANY work done last night and now have approximately one kajillion things to do. So, obviously, I’m writing blog posts instead because LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

Do you guys ever google encouraging phrases just to see what the internet will come up with to motivate you? No? Just me? Well. If you were smart, you’d try searching “OMG WAKE UP, SELF. AND DO WORK.” Because once you got past all the grumpy cat memes, you would have discovered this amazing kettle that will boil water for you whenever your iphone tells it to!

Now, instead of waking up every morning and hating everyone, the promise of the tea kettle boiling me up some delish English breakfast will make me an entirely different person. I could even imagine myself actually opening both of my eyes, brushing my hair, and perhaps saying “hello” to my roommate (and/or my gentleman caller. By which, of course, I mean my Elliot Stabler pillow).

Tea is my favorite thing besides burritos, planes driving around on the runway, and all-day marathons of Doug. It’s so much better than coffee! And healthier, right? Because of anti-oxidants and science? Oxidants are the worst!

Give this kettle to your loved ones and change their lives.

But DON’T google, “STOP EATING SO MANY WORK SNACKS” because you will find this.

For Your Hosts- Sexy Pillow

The good news is: I got some super fucking fancy shampoo and conditioner from the niceeeeee hotel I stayed at last weekend.

The bad news is: I saw a cockroach in my bathroom when I got home and am now afraid to shower. Ever.

BUT! The (adorable) stench of my unwashed (sexy) body was finally too much and I ventured in today. So good! I love using ANY products that are not already in my bathroom. I don’t even care if they are lower quality than my stuff. There’s something about using other people’s things that is so luxurious. Even if it’s really just some dude’s 2-in-1 Head & Shoulders that will actually never de-tangle my hair.

This is also why I love staying in all my friends’ guest rooms. But if I’m going to use all of their lotions and body washes, it’s only right that I reward their hospitality with a little gift.

Enter: my favorite pillow ever.

Perfect as a housewarming gift or hostess gift for your cute couple-friends .They can put it on their guest bed.

—

Please note that I got progressively drunker/lazier during that post and try not to judge me. I’d go back and fix all the grammatical mistakes and add funnier jokes, but that would require me to have better concentration than the 3 cups of coffee I just drank will allow. Instead, I thought I’d just add this little disclaimer and then go back to playing the desk-drums to Lorde songs, and annoying my coworkers by complaining about how cold it is in the office. Sorry not sorry.

For Your Friends- Herb Seed Bombs

I’ve wanted to post about these for a while, but was hesitant because

1. As a Persian person, I feel like writing “bomb” in a blog post and suggesting it be mailed to others is probably not the BEST move.

2. As a notorious killer of herb gardens, I feel that perhaps I lack the authority to write about growing living things.

3. I forgot.

BUT! I am busy at work and looking for an excuse to save all my stress for a few hours from now when it’s midnight and I’m writing terribly and the wine is gone and everyone is asleep and I have 4 articles to turn in ASAP. Also, I’m trying to expand my audience to the NSA-set. Hello, government overlords! (I promise these herb bombs are just harmless, hipster-nonsense gifts.) So here you go.

Send these HAND FORMED BALLS to your friends to shame them into being greener. Hopefully their garden will last longer than mine.

PS- If Big Brother comes and takes me away, I authorize my sister to post my manifesto. Spoiler: it’s mostly about goat cheese and Will&Grace.

For Your BFF- Custom Designed Body Pillow

“Objects are made by man, and used for many purposes. But we NEVER. LOVE. OBJECTS.”

So. Earlier, I was Google searching “Elliot Stabler Body Pillow” because that is what my sad sad life has come to at this point. The bad news is: no one makes one that I can just buy and have delivered and be sleeping with by the end of the week. The good news is: DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE LIKE 8 MILLION DIFFERENT LAW& ORDER:SVU FANFICTION STORIES ONLINE?! If the internet wasn’t made so that I could read terribly written stories about Benson and Stabler hooking up after particularly difficult sex crime cases, THEN I DON’T KNOW WHY IT WAS MADE. Thank you, internet gods!

The other good news is that I found a website that will let you custom design your own body pillow covers! Which means I have officially found Christmas presents for all of my friends! Roommate obviously gets Dragon Tattoo Rooney Mara. Sister gets Lee Pace holding a pie. Self gets double sided Chris Meloni/Dermot Mulroney because if your hair is not salt and peppered, then I cannot love you.

Possibilities are endless. You’re welcome.

For Your Boyfriend- BBQ Branding Iron

It’s football season! Teams! Touchdowns! Assault scandals! Meat grilling! Men thinking it’s cool to be drunk from Thursday night to Monday night! Yay!

[Important Football Question: You know those guys who have long hair/dreads and leave them down under their helmets? HOW CAN THEY STAND IT? Is it some sort of fashion statement? Because if my hair was stuck against my neck while I was sweating for three hours, I think I’d die. I get that a top bun wouldn’t fit under the helmet, but why not a cool braid or some sort of shorter haircut? Perhaps The Rachel? If someone can enlighten me as to why this hair-down thing is done, I would be greatly appreciative and also maybe able to concentrate on the actual game. (But probably not because I’ll be dying of boredom.) Digression over.]

The one really good thing about football season (besides the fact that I get to wear old college shirts on Saturdays instead of doing laundry. Go Bears!) is that every weekend is a big meat- and beer-filled party. I could pretend that I’m one of those cool “most of my friends are dudes and I’m just one of the guys but all my friends think I’m hot because I’m a dainty girl who drinks beer” ladies, but come on. Football is the worst and I don’t like watching it. Most of it is not even actual PLAY. It’s just time where everyone is standing around and drinking Gatorade. And yet, somehow, men still find a lot of reasons for loud outbursts that always startle me while I’m focusing on eating dip. But then again, there would be no reason for me to eat dip without football, so I dunno. I’m not totally against it.

Anyway, I don’t want to be sexist and be all- “buy this for your boyfriend because only men like meat and sports” but like…. I mean, I LOVE meat (saucy winky face), but I don’t really want to be in charge of grilling it. There’s something about dudes that makes them think they are virile cavemen/cowboys when a grill is around. And that’s fine with me because I’m concentrating on the dip.

Buy this branding iron for your manfriend and then he can go all John Wayne on everyone’s steaks and/or Morning Star Veggie Patties (#ughLA).

Pro-tip: wrap it in his favorite team’s colors. (Then don’t let him take the wrapping off so that he has to hold a ribboned rod when he brands things. I just like that visual.)

For Your Gal Pal- DIY Bath Tub Tea

Let’s talk about a dating issue I’m having. The problem with going on dates with stranger dudes you meet in the bar/post office/Trader Joes is that they have no connection to your real life. Obviously that means there’s the possibility that they murder me in an alley, but I think the bigger problem is that it is just so EASY to lie to them about everything in my life. There are no outside verification forces (i.e. mutual friends) who won’t let me brag about my fake accomplishments. “Oh, me? I’m a National Merit Scholar but I passed on a job with NASA because I wanted to join the Clinton Foundation and save the world. Also I am a super good cook, so I teach cooking classes twice a week. Oh, and I love Pilates.”

Except, like, NO. None of that. The rational part of my brain is like, “Um STOP THIS. They will find out the truth eventually!” but the tipsy part of me is like, “oh hey, also pretend you speak fluent Swedish. HE’LL NEVER KNOW.”

Keep your judgements to yourself, though. Because it’s worked great so far. Ha! If things progress with someone, I guess I’ll just have to become the person I made up. I’m already half way there because I watch a lot of Food Network and did Pilates once in college.

Anyway, the people who ACTUALLY know me can tell you that there is one truth in my life that will never change: I love baths. When people say that baths are gross (because you are basically marinating in your body dirt or whatever) it makes my physically angry. BATHS ARE AWESOME. Maybe you fools are weirdly dirty so your baths are disgusting, but mine are heavenly. Because I am perfect and always clean like a princess.

For the bath lovers (my best friends) in your life, how about some DIY Bath Tub Tea?

Working for a ladymag has taught me that women love DIY. We will literally never leave the house if you keep supplying us with an endless list of crafts to make. BUYING THINGS IS FOR MEN. So. After your DIY nail art dries, run to the store and spend way more money than you would have if you just bought ready-made bath salts, then DIY away! It’s a gift for you AND your giftee. Välkomna! (According to Google, that’s “you’re welcome” in Swedish? Boom.)

I was going to retype all of the DIY instructions and lie and pretend I thought up the whole idea, but I’m working on my fibbing problem. At least with you. You know me too well. Check out how to do it here.

 

(INTRODUCING) DUDES’ CORNER! Back to the Future Lego Delorian Sets

Introducing: DUDES’ CORNER! (Omg, please send us better name suggestions)– where Katie gives you semi-random, slightly nerdy, often ridiculous, and always awesome ideas for gifts for dudes.

Ladies, stop giving  your man massage coupons. They don’t give a shit about those, and you’re not very good at it anyway.

Men, stop patting your manfriend on the back at the bar and thinking that will cut it.

Be better. Be awesome. Be more like me and Katie (#humblebrag). You’re welcome. Here’s Katie….

So, K was not joking about that whole “I’m telling Katie she’s going to write for the website right now” thing.  I got a gchat from her that surprisingly didn’t involve what flavor bagel she ate that morning and BOOM – there it was.  Full shout-out on the blog.  K knows I’m a huge supporter/lover/creeper(?) of her blog, so I was pretty excited when she asked (told) me to contribute because she and her blog are hilarious.  I’m nervous.  Does it show?  I am.  Sorry, guys.

ANYWAY a little about me.  K and I met freshman year of college at Berkeley.  We both got drunk for the first time at the same party and then cried about it together.  It was a friendship-at-first-sight sort of thing, and we’ve been attached at the remote ever since.  I am currently what I like to call a “fake lawyer” in that (1) I’m waiting to get my bar results back and (2) I work at a place that I like but I get paid in peanuts.  As in, they literally hand me a bag of peanuts and pat me on the back at the end of the week.  I’m obviously kidding – that’s not true.  Pats on the back are totally inappropriate.

So anyway – on to the gift-giving.  Guys!  I get them!  Sort of.  Okay, not really.  But I am an awesome girlfriend because I give cool gifts.  The only time a massage coupon is an appropriate gift is if it’s a “massage” in the same way those sketchy places with neon lights/curtians in the window are “massage parlors.” And even then, I feel the occasion shouldn’t be rare enough that it constitutes a gift (maybe this is why my boyfriends say I’m awesome?).

My boyfriend, like me, is a lawyer (except he actually makes money because he’s a real lawyer and WHATEVER I KNOW HE’S MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN ME SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT).  He also, like me, is a giant nerd.  SO, when just this last month lego came out with “Back to the Future” DeLorian sets, he flipped out like me on Free Chipotle Day (it’s Halloween – look it up).  This finely tuned time machine now sits proudly on his desk, and it makes a GREAT gift for any fellow nerds out there who need a little desk swag.

Excited to be here!  Excited to meet you virtually!  Yayay!

Katie

P.S.  This is not called “Dude’s Corner.”  Holy crap I hate that so much.

For Your Mom- Tabletop Salad Sprayers

I have some very very very sad news to report. Brace yourselves…

… All of the plants in my herb garden died.

Our relationship was short and tumultuous. But much like every relationship I’ve ever been in, I loved them just a little more than they loved me. And despite my dedicated (er.. um… semi-dedicated?) watering and plant fooding, they left me. On the bright side, I got one home-grown jalapeno outta the deal. And a bunch of basil that I gave away to my mom before I knew my herb-boyfriends were facing their eminent demise. Our parting ceremony consisted of me cursing while I threw them in the dumpster. If only real break ups went that way.

Anyway, now I’m thinking I’ll just plant some fake flowery plants to hang instead. That way I don’t have to think about them, but if I catch a glimpse- hey, at least they look nice. Also fake plants don’t need real sunlight, which is hard to come by in my apartment.

I suppose this means my Ina Garten dreams are dashed. I’ll never be the Barefoot Contessa and make bruschetta for my gay friends and sometimes Jeffrey when he comes home to the Hamptons from his important Washington job. But then I also won’t have to throw a million goddamn dinner parties where people expect me to share the wine.

It’s fine, though, because I found these cool (and cheap!) tabletop salad sprayers that let you infuse oils in a handy contraption that will also spray them on your salads (or if you’re me, your bread/pizza/french fries). Plus, even if I wanted to make rosemary or basil oil, it wouldn’t fit enough in there to warrant a whole patio-garden. I’ll just keep buying my herbs in small bunches from Trader Joes like normal humans. (Except they only sell basil in a package big enough to feed a small country and then I throw like 4 pounds of basil away because no one can eat that much basil.)

Give these pretty sprayers to your mom or something. Good for a hostess or housewarming gift too.

Feel free to send me condolence flowers for my garden or condolence chocolates for my stomach.

For Your BFF- Just Because Sweet Treats (from Chocolate Twist)

Hey. How come no one EVER sends me flowers? Relationship or no relationship, I’m not sure I’ve EVER gotten flowers delivered to me at my home or workplace (which is way better than getting them in person. duh.) Is that just wrong? Like, what is the normal flower amount girls are supposed to receive in their lifetimes? Probably somewhere between 20 and 50 bouquets, right? Because of birthdays and anniversaries and whatnot? Or maybe even MORE if I become some sort of dancer or singer or profession where I’m bowing on stage a lot. My roommate gets flowers every other week from her parents or her girlfriend or her girlfriend’s parents. WHAT THE HECK, LOVED ONES? WHERE ARE MY FLOWERS.

Ok, but be strategic about it. If everyone sends me flowers next week and I end up watching Pretty Little Liars through a sea of roses I will be living a recurring dream (as long as Mr. Fitz is also there) know that you are just sending them because I demanded it and it will cheapen the experience.. but not totally ruin it so please feel free to send them anytime I need some flowers in my life and edible arrangements are also accepted as long as some of the fruit is chocolate covered because whowantsregularfruit?!?!

ANYWAYZ, speaking of mail gifts (as opposed to male gifs, which is also something I like sent to me), my friend got these sweet Chocolate Twist chocolates in the mail from her boss. (HER BOSS. COME ONNNNN.) She suggested I put them on the blog, and I obviously agreed in exchange for being able to eat one of the chocolates. Because I am a cheap ho for chocolate, and I accept blog bribes. I AM OPEN FOR BUSINESS. If you send me snacks, I will blog about them and I will say all the good things. And if you send flowers, then I will also marry you.

So please consider sending these chocolates to the people you love. There are cool flavored marshmallows and caramels and other delicious things. (I want the Parmesan truffles! cheese chocolate!) And they ship all over the US. Don’t leave your sad, flower-less friends out in the cold. I think sending treats and flowers is best done out-of-the-blue because they really are the loveliest of lovely things to receive when you least expect it. Which is why I will continue to not expect anything over the next week or so. 😉 😉 😉 all the winks.